


Carry On Wayward Son

by Poetry



Series: Dæmorphing [10]
Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - Daemons, Book 23: The Pretender, Daemons, Disability, Family, Gen, Retelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-24
Updated: 2013-11-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 13:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 56,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/940395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poetry/pseuds/Poetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobias joined the war because he had nothing else. Now, he has a true reason to fight. A retelling of #23: The Pretender.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic is after Kansas' "Carry On Wayward Son," the ultimate Tobias song. Additional warnings for ableism and suicidal thoughts. Beta read by [lit_luminary](http://lit_luminary.livejournal.com/).

It was my turn to spy on Loren. But then, it was usually my turn. 

See, it’s convenient for me. I don’t have to demorph or make excuses at home and school. I could spend hours every week watching her. In a strange way, I felt like I knew her. I knew her volunteer hours at the church. I knew when her support groups met and what they talked about. I knew her favorite stations on the radio.

She was listening to a classic rock station as she made breakfast. It was amazing how she did everything on her own. All of the controls on the kitchen appliances had stickers with the raised dots of Braille. She dropped two slices of bread into the toaster and set it to high. She opened the fridge and felt her way along a row of lids marked with textured stickers, stopping at the jelly jar. She pulled it out and hummed along with the final line of “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone.” 

_Maybe you shouldn’t be so amazed,_ El said. _We managed to adapt to being a hawk, so why couldn’t she adjust to being blind and amnesiac?_

The next song started. I didn’t recognize it, but it sounded like the Rolling Stones. During the chorus, Loren started singing along under her breath. “Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues…” Then she stopped in the middle of her bustling morning routine.

I knew by now what it meant when Loren froze up like that. She was remembering. Or maybe not so much remembering as realizing that there was something she ought to remember.

“It’s Blue,” said Jaxom, her zebra duiker dæmon.

Blue was one of the characters in the shadow play of Loren’s memory. Blue was the main reason we spied on her: an Andalite from Loren’s past. But there were other characters too. There was Broken Man, and Little One, and a horror for which she had no name. All of us wondered about Blue and the nameless horror, but I wondered about the others too. Why was the Man so Broken? Was Little One her child, somehow lost? 

The toaster chimed, and Loren snapped out of her reverie to get a plate for the toast. I decided an hour was enough for today. I flew back out to the woods.

Ax was working on his scoop. He’d already morphed elephant and stomped out the shallow depression of earth. Now he was making a cover he could put up to disguise the scoop and protect it from bad weather.

«Can I help?» I asked, perching in a tree above his scoop.

«Thank you for the offer,» said Ax, «but I think this will be best accomplished on my own.»

«OK then. I’m going to hunt,» I said. «Are you up for going to the valley when I get back?»

Ax twisted a stalk eye toward me. «Might we take a trip to the mall afterward?»

Ax had scaled back his snobbery toward the Hork-Bajir since I passed on the story of Dak and Aldrea, but he still needed to be bribed into tutoring Toby. «Sure. But behave yourself. And this time, come up with a lesson plan _before_ we get to the valley.»

«I received the best education my homeworld has to offer,» Ax sniffed. «I am more than capable of passing it on to a Hork-Bajir.»

I glared at him. Of course, I’m always glaring, but Ax can tell the difference. 

I went for my hunt and caught a twitchy little vole. When I got back, Ax had made some progress on the cover for his scoop. I could tell that it would be great camouflage. I may have been a predator for going on a year, but Andalites have lived in harmony with nature for centuries. Even in an alien forest, he knew how to blend in.

«You ready, man?»

«I am ready.» Ax laid down his half-finished scoop cover and morphed harrier. 

We didn’t talk on the way up to the valley. What I like most about spending time with Ax is how much we don’t have to say. There’s a kind of language in flying, and Ax has learned to speak it, though not as fluently as I do. We caught the same winds, traded thermals back and forth, and orchestrated long swoops around foothills and through high passes.

I probably think too much for my own good, but I couldn’t help but wonder if the Andalite word for a soulmate-friend, _shorm_ , comes from that same place. If there’s a language of flight, then there must be a language of the tail-blade as well, a language that _shorms_ can speak together in a bond of trust. But I would never learn it, because I would need Ax’s DNA for that, and I had no right to ask for it.

Finding the valley isn’t easy, but Ax and I have done it so many times that we can always find it despite the Ellimist’s protection. The valley is big, and there was no point wasting time looking for Toby from above when the free Hork-Bajir usually knew where she was and were happy to show us the way. 

Ax and I landed in the narrow entrance to the valley. A Hork-Bajir recognized us immediately. The free Hork-Bajir can always tell us apart from real birds. They can see _hrala_ , a fundamental particle of the universe that gathers most strongly around sentient beings. _Hrala_ passes right by birds and other animals as if they were rocks in a stream. It gathers around thinking beings in bright whirlwinds too strange and beautiful to describe. If the Yeerks ever figure out what the Hork-Bajir ability to see _hrala_ means, we’ll be in trouble. As it is, the free Hork-Bajir are the only ones who understand that a bird cocooned in _hrala_ isn’t really a bird.

“It is Tobias and _hruthin,_ ” said the Hork-Bajir. “Hello, friends.”

«The Andalite’s name is Ax, Ghat Hefrin. You know that.»

“Ax and Tobias. Friends,” said Ghat.

«Yes, we are. Thank you, Ghat,» I said. «Do you know where Toby is? It’s learning time for her.»

“Toby love learning time! Ghat will find Toby. Follow, friends.”

Ax stopped behind a tree to demorph – the free Hork-Bajir got used to the idea of morphing eventually, but like any other sane people they didn’t like to watch – then trotted nimbly after me and Ghat as she swung from tree to tree and I followed overhead. 

After a short while I became aware that Toby had skillfully hidden herself in a tree up ahead. I had a feeling about what was about to happen, and I said nothing. Toby waited until Ax passed under her tree, then dropped from it noiselessly, grabbing Ax’s tail just below the blade as she landed. 

“Gotcha!” she crowed.

Ax flexed his tail, but Toby held firm, and the placement of her grip meant that Ax couldn’t bring his blade to bear. «Let go of me, you little brute!» he cried, but Toby just grinned. Then he lashed out with one of his hind legs, kicking her hard in the thigh with his hoof. She gave a squawk of pain and lurched backward, letting go of Ax’s tail in her surprise.

“Toby!” said Ghat Hefrin. “Ax is friend! Hurt friends is bad!”

“But Ghat, I need to practice fighting Andalites!” Toby protested. “Or else how will I know what to do if I have to fight Visser Three? See, now I know that you have to watch out for the kick. Ouch.”

«Ghat, Toby is just practicing,» I said. «Ax doesn’t mind.»

«I never agreed to having my tail grabbed by a savage child,» Ax sniffed.

«Ax, you’re not helping. Look, Ghat, Toby and Ax do this every time he visits. Please don’t worry.»

“Tobias speak true?” Ghat asked Ax and Toby.

«Yes,» Ax admitted grudgingly. «It has become a habit of ours. I have learned to cope with Toby’s disregard for my dignity.»

“It’s very good practice, Ghat,” said Toby eagerly.

“Ghat see that Ax and Toby and Tobias speak true. Sometimes Hork-Bajir must learn hurt to stay free. But Toby only hurt Ax for learning time. Must say so to Ghat.”

“I say so, Ghat,” said Toby. “I’ll only hurt Ax so I can learn how to fight.”

“Good. Learn good, Toby.” Ghat swung away through the treetops.

«I guess it does take a village,» I said.

Ax and Toby both stared at him blankly.

«Sorry. It’s a human saying. “It takes a village to raise a child.”»

«I see,» said Ax, watching me with all four of his eyes. It made me uncomfortable. What I’d said didn’t mean anything, really. I was just noticing how many Hork-Bajir look after and care for Toby.

“I wish Hork-Bajir had sayings,” Toby said.

«All of the Hork-Bajir in the valley say “Free or dead,”» I said. «Isn’t that a saying?»

“They say that just because my parents say it,” said Toby.

«So they don’t know what it means? When your parents say it, they don’t know what it means?»

Toby had the grace to look ashamed.

«Look, Toby,» I said. «If you want to believe your people are stupid and worthless, then go ahead. I can’t stop you. But I don’t think they are, and I don’t think you should either. Now, do you have your assignment ready for Ax?»

“Yes,” said Toby. “Follow me.”

We followed Toby to her tree. Tucked in the cup of two branches was a duffel bag full of books, notebooks, and extra-large pencils that Toby’s hands could hold, all items that Ax and I had bought at Goodwill and brought up to the valley. She took out a notebook and flipped to a page full of calculations and diagrams. “Here,” she said, handing it to Ax. She looked a little nervous. “How did I do?”

Ax read the page with his main eyes, watching Toby with one stalk eye and scanning around with the other. «Correct,» he said. «Asssaht is 90 light-years from Earth and 10 light-years from the Yeerk homeworld. However, you could have used a swifter method for calibrating against the periodicity of the pulsar, here.» He took one of Toby’s pencils and showed her more calculations on a fresh page in the notebook. It all went over my head – I only got as far as basic geometry before I dropped out – but I understood the basic idea. Ax was showing Toby how to calculate interstellar distances using pulsars, stars which give off bursts of light on a schedule as reliable as an atomic clock. 

Toby got out a scientific calculator and pressed the buttons as gently as she could with her claws. When she wrote down an answer, Ax nodded. «Good.» 

Teaching Toby, I’ve gotten to know Hork-Bajir facial expressions pretty well, and I could tell that she was pleased by Ax’s praise. She would never have admitted it, because she mostly likes to complain about how snobbish Ax is toward other species, and wouldn’t want him to think that his opinion was important to her. To tell the truth, she’s right about Ax being a snob. But he’s also a pretty good teacher, and it’s hard not to want to impress a good teacher.

 _Like we used to be with Mr. Feyroyan,_ El mused. _When we turned in a good essay, he’d pay attention to us and no one else. He was the only one…_

«I’m certain you have noticed how near Asssaht is to the Yeerk homeworld,» Ax said. «Asssaht was the first planet to fall to the Yeerk Empire. They began the invasion by sending a reconnaissance mission to assess the technology of the Ssstram and their suitability as hosts. They were not ideal hosts. Asssaht is a very low-gravity world, and the Ssstram are crushed to death by any gravitational field greater than the one in which they evolved. Still, the Yeerks were hungry for hosts, and Ssstram-Controllers are even now deployed in zero-gravity situations.

«Their strategy for colonizing Asssaht was ingenious. Ssstram reproduce by laying unfertilized eggs in clutches, and fertilizing clutches laid by other individuals. However, the survival of offspring is limited by the availability of arsenic compounds. The Yeerk homeworld is rich in these compounds. The Yeerks infested one Ssstram, stole a clutch of unfertilized eggs, treated them with arsenate, and fertilized them. Ssstram mature quickly, and soon they had fifty more Ssstram-Controllers. They continued this practice until they were able to overwhelm the Ssstram with sheer numbers.

«Their strategy backfired, however. Using one parent to fertilize hundreds of eggs at a time meant that genetic variation in Ssstram hosts was low. A virulent disease to which few Ssstram were resistant infected and killed the majority of Ssstram hosts. Due to this disaster, and the low gravity tolerance of Ssstram, it is estimated that there are only a thousand Ssstram-Controllers.»

“Are there any free Ssstram left?” said Toby.

«Perhaps. Andalite intelligence has never been able to penetrate Asssaht itself. Our information comes from two captured Ssstram-Controllers.»

“And how did you extract the information from these prisoners?” Toby said.

«The Andalite military follows the highest ethical – » Ax began, but he remembered who he was talking to, and didn’t finish the sentence. When he’d heard the part of Jara’s story about Alloran and the quantum virus, he hadn’t wanted to believe it. But the fact of Alloran’s disgrace, and the silence from the higher-ups about what really happened on the Hork-Bajir homeworld, spoke for themselves, and Ax finally accepted it as truth. With that and the treachery aboard the _Asculan_ on Leera, the Andalite military had been pretty well knocked off Ax’s pedestal. Finally, he said, «I do not know. I only know the hosts survived. They now serve as Asssaht’s government-in-exile.»

“How does Ssstram government work?” Toby asked.

«I do not know,» Ax said, a little sheepishly. «I found xenoanthropology a very dull subject.»

“I bet you don’t feel that way anymore,” Toby said.

Ax looked at me and Toby. «No. I do not. Now, let me instruct you about the technology the Yeerks stole from the Ssstram…»

He taught Toby more about the Yeerk conquest of Asssaht, then assigned her an essay on Yeerk strategy in that first battle of the war, contrasting their strategy then with their strategy now. Some of the details of military strategy were pretty boring to me, but I could see how important it could be for Toby, the young general of her people.

«My turn,» I said, when Ax had wrapped up. «Do you have your essay on _Ender’s Game_?»

“Yes,” said Toby. She flipped her notebook to a different section, and I read the essay over her shoulder, telling her to turn the page when I needed it. Ax hung around, pretending to be bored, but I knew he would want to hear what we talked about; he’d read the book too.

I took a few minutes to absorb what Toby had said about the book. «You have a problem with the ending, when Ender realizes that making war with the buggers was wrong. You think it’s ultimately anthropocentric, because Ender can only accept that the bugger queen is like him when he realizes that she keeps her dæmon on the inside.”

“Yes,” said Toby. “Having a dæmon or not is a totally human-centered way of deciding whether someone is worthy of moral consideration. I don’t think of myself as having a dæmon on the inside. I think of humans as having part of their minds on the outside.” 

_I’m not on the outside – or at least, I only am for two hours at a time,_ Elhariel thought, but she didn’t push the issue. I wasn’t entirely sure how human we were, anyway. «OK, then. What’s your alternative? How can we decide whether someone is worthy of moral consideration, as you put it?»

“Whether they have _hrala_ ,” Toby said. “That applies to everyone, dæmon or no dæmon.”

«But isn’t that a Hork-Bajir-centered view? No other species can see _hrala_.»

“Even if you can’t see it, it’s there.”

«Some humans would probably say that you do have a dæmon on the inside, even if you don’t know it. How is that any different?»

“It’s different because it’s completely subjective who has a ‘dæmon on the inside’ or not. I’m sure some human bigots would say that Hork-Bajir don’t have dæmons on the inside, because we’re stupid and primitive. But _hrala_ is objective. You could introduce a being to any Hork-Bajir observer and they would independently agree whether that being has a lot of _hrala_ or a little. _Hrala_ has nothing to do with our opinions. It’s just there, and we see it.”

«All right. What if you met a being with no _hrala_ who came up to you and said, “Hi, nice to meet you, won’t you please treat me the same way you treat your people?”»

Toby recoiled. “Such a thing could never happen! All beings who tell stories have _hrala_. The being’s voice must have come from somewhere else, like one of your human telephones.”

«How do you know?» I insisted. «Until I met Elfangor, I would have said that all beings who tell stories have dæmons. But now I know that’s not true. So isn’t it possible you might one day meet someone who has no _hrala_ but wants to be treated as an equal? And if that did happen, how would you decide whether to treat them the way they asked or not?»

«I suppose if this being were able to ask that question,» said Ax, «then it would be intelligent enough that I must grant its request.»

Toby rounded on Ax. “ _Intelligent_ enough? Is that your standard, Andalite?”

«Toby,» I said gently, «we know your people are able to ask that question. They’d just ask it differently.»

“You’re missing the point,” Toby said. “Ghat Hefrin’s _dhalashi_ , Dref Fakash, was abused so badly by the Yeerks they permanently injured his brain. He can only speak in tiny fragments now, when he can speak at all. Ghat says he’s still himself, and I believe her. But he couldn’t ask you to treat him the way you would anyone else. I’m not sure if he knows how, anymore. But he still deserves respect.”

«But he would ask us to respect him,» said Tobias, «if he could. Right?»

“Right,” said Toby, staunchly, shooting Ax a look that dared him to say otherwise. 

«The Yeerks are perfectly capable of demanding our respect. Does that mean we should do so?» said Ax, not trying to hide his contempt.

“No,” said Toby. “They lost that right when they enslaved us.”

«Cassie would say we should, anyway, when we can,» I said, carefully. Toby didn’t know about the incident with Cassie and Aftran, and I didn’t want to tell her without consulting Cassie and Jake first. «Most of them don’t know any better. They’ve been taught all their lives that their hosts are inferior, just like Ax grew up learning that he should never talk about Andalite history and culture to outsiders. Some of them, when they realize that we’re just like them, change their minds.»

Ax took the hint and scuffed his hoof along the grass. I wasn’t sure if Toby had figured out yet that the gesture meant he was embarrassed.

“Maybe there are some Yeerks that can learn,” said Toby. “But for better or for worse, it’s too late now. They’ve been indoctrinated by the Vissers and the Council of Thirteen. We have to assume they’re enemies and treat them accordingly.”

«Toby is correct,» said Ax. «When a Hork-Bajir-Controller is on the attack, one cannot waste time wondering if the Yeerk inside its head might be reformed.»

«All right, fine,» I said. «This is war. Ruthlessness wins. But when we do have time to plan, we should think about the Yeerks as more than just enemies. It’s like Ender and the buggers, right? They’re sentient beings, and we can’t forget that.»

Ax and Toby both seemed uneasy with what I said. But they couldn’t dismiss it. They’d both had too many experiences with people very different from them. All of us were outcasts on Earth, adrift among strangers. We knew how Ender felt.

“Who are these human philosophers mentioned in the book, Locke and Demosthenes?” Toby asked, to break the long silence.

«I don’t know,» I admitted. «But Ax and I can bring you info next time we visit, if you want.»

“Please,” said Toby. “Also, did you see the part in my essay when I talked about when Ender murdered the other human boy? The older boy who gathered packs to brutalize Ender? The book called these attacks ‘bullying.’ Is this common among humans?”

I froze. I didn’t know what to say. I’d picked this book because I thought it would get Toby thinking about the morality of war. I never thought she’d bring up the bullying.

 _You don’t have to make it about you,_ said El. _Just tell her the truth._

«Yeah. It happens all the time,» I said. «Bullies are weak people who pick fights they know they can win so they can feel like they aren’t weak. There’s always somebody who thinks that’s a good way to feel better about themselves.»

“When Ax teaches me tactics, he says guerrilla fighters should only choose fights they know they can win,” Toby pointed out.

«True. But we didn’t pick this fight. The Yeerks did, when they invaded our planet. We’re the exact opposite of bullies, Toby. Now, can you show me the list of all the words you learned from _Ender’s Game_?»

Toby showed me her new vocabulary list, and I asked her to write an essay or a story for next time that used all of her new words correctly. 

“I have one more question,” said Toby. “More for Ax than for you, Tobias. Those tactics Ender used in his battles – do those actually work? Like what he did with changing formations all the time so the enemy can’t predict what they’ll do next?”

«They require intensive drilling,» said Ax, «so that each platoon can change from one formation to the next without pausing to think. It must be on the level of muscle memory. But yes, those tactics work.»

“I want to read more science fiction like this,” said Toby.

«Next time, we’ll bring you a new book,» I promised her.

Toby turned to Ax. “Can we play chess now?”

Ax hesitated and glanced at me with his stalk eyes. He wanted to go to the mall already, I could tell. «Come on,» I told him in private thought-speak. «Just one game. It’s not cinnamon buns, but I know you like it.»

«Very well,» Ax told her. «One match.»

“Yes!” Toby crowed. “I’m going to beat you, _hruthin_.” She took out the chess set I’d brought her a few months ago, thinking it would be good for her to learn about humans like to pass the time. I never thought that both she and Ax would get so into it. I had only played it a few times at chess club after school, and now Ax and Toby were both better than me, even though I was the one who taught them how to play.

They set up the board on a big rock with a surface that was more or less flat. It was a secondhand chess set I spotted at a garage sale, so the pieces were plastic and most of them were chipped. The black king had an arm of its cross missing, and there were scratches on some of the pawns. But both Toby and Ax stared at the board as if it were a tiny battlefield.

Both of them made aggressive plays toward the center of the board. They each brought out a knight, then Ax let loose his bishop. Toby was first to capture one of Ax’s pawns, but Ax managed to castle first, protecting his king. 

Toby moved the pieces as delicately as she could, built as they were for small soft human hands. Ax’s many fingers curled around his king’s chipped cross as he swapped its position with the rook. Toby’s snake neck curved down as she studied the board, while on his side, Ax rested his palms on the rock, watching Toby with his stalk eyes. It was an unlikely sight, one that any of my friends would have laughed in surprise to see, but one I always took an interest in watching.

 _They have a lot in common,_ El mused, _if you think about it. Their species are both peaceful herbivores by nature, but they’re both warriors. Toby is the leader of her people, and Ax – well, when the Andalites come, I have a feeling he’s going to be a leader too._

Toby moved a knight. “Check,” she said. Ax’s main eyes narrowed.

I wasn’t used to thinking of Ax that way. His people were so far away I didn’t often think of his role in their society. _Do you think so? Even though he broke the law of Seerow’s Kindness?_

Ax moved his knight to capture Toby’s. The move held off the threat to his king, but it opened up two of his pawns for capture.

 _When they see how we’ve used the morphing power, they’ll look past that. The commander on Leera did. They have to,_ El insisted. _Ax is a hero._

Our heart swelled with pride, for both of them. Ax is a hero, and I’m lucky that he calls me _shorm_. Toby was learning so fast, even though Ax and I weren’t really teachers. And if we hadn’t taken that shortcut through the construction site, we would never have known them.

 _You would have me,_ El said.

_Yes, I’d have you. And nothing else worth having._

“Checkmate!” Toby cried.

«That is not a checkmate,» Ax said heatedly.

“Yes it is. Look. How could you possibly stop me?”

I looked at the board and took in the arrangement of the pieces. «Sorry, Ax-man. Toby’s got you there. Your queen’s two moves away.»

«I suppose you are right,» Ax conceded. «That was a strong endgame, Toby.»

Toby grinned. “Wanna play me, Tobias?”

«No way, you’d crush me,» I said. «Besides, I promised Ax we could go to the mall after this. We’re going to get you a new book while we’re there.»

I could tell Toby was disappointed. She loves it when Ax and I visit. But the promise of a new book kept her from insisting. “All right. When will you come back?”

«Tomorrow,» I said. «Have your assignments ready for us.»

“Yes, sir!” Toby quipped.

«If you’re not careful, you’ll get as cheeky as Marco,» I said, before I remembered that Toby had never met Marco. It was easy to forget. The Hork-Bajir and the Animorphs are the only people I ever talk to, so I just assumed they all knew each other as well as I knew them.

“One day, I will meet these human Animorphs I’ve heard so much about,” Toby said. “Are they more polite than Ax?”

Ax bristled a little. I laughed. «No, not really.»

Toby’s amber eyes went flinty. “No matter. They’ll learn to respect me.”

«I’m sure they will,» I said gently. I knew Ax had, even if he didn’t show it much. «C’mon, Ax. Get wings.»

Toby watched Ax morph harrier. When she was little, she hated watching us morph. Hey, I’ve seen morphing about a thousand times, and I hate watching it. But now she watches every time, even though she must still find it as disgusting as everyone else does. I’m not sure why. Maybe she wants to understand it. Maybe she wishes she could morph too. If that’s true, she’s never said so.

As Ax and I flew out of the valley, I said, «Tell me the truth, Ax. Do you respect Toby?»

A long pause. Then, stiffly: «She is my student. As per your request. A hard-working student.»

«That’s not answering the question.»

«She is young. Eight months old, by Earth reckoning. But Hork-Bajir grow fast. She is as mature of mind as you or I. I believe what I am trying to say is – yes. I respect her. Not the way I respect you or the others. But I do.» Irony crept into his thought-speech. «How my people would deride me if they knew! Aximili, the alien-lover, who respects humans and Hork-Bajir as though they were equals.»

«The humans wouldn’t believe Ender if he told them the bugger queen was an equal. That’s why he had to hide her away.»

«The Hork-Bajir are hidden. But they cannot remain so forever. The truth will emerge. Perhaps it is not my best judgment, but when that happens, I will stand by what I believe, no matter what my people say. And they will hold me in the same contempt that they hold the inferior species, as though I were one of you.»

«Well, you’ll be in good company,» I said. «Right?»

«Yes,» said Ax. «I fear I have developed an inordinate fondness for inferior species. I think I may enjoy being inferior.»

«Hey, I think you just made a joke, Ax.»

«Did I?»

«I thought it was funny,» I offered. 

We stopped by the beginnings of Ax’s scoop to get some money. Ax and I collect change whenever we can, and the others give us whatever they can spare from their allowances. It’s not like we need much. Ax got out his human clothes, bought by Rachel of course, and morphed. I settled on his shoulder and we headed to the mall.

Ax and I are used to impersonating human and dæmon. We looked just like anyone else at the mall. Ax got cinnamon buns first, so he wouldn’t get sugar all over whichever book we bought. Then we went to the bookstore. I directed Ax to the science fiction section. I mostly brought Toby science fiction books to read, because science fiction would probably be more real to her than any other genre, but also because I know science fiction books the best. I chose a collection of short stories by Isaac Asimov and Ax paid for it.

We made it back to the woods just in time for Ax to demorph. Ax and I read the book together for a while, Ax turning the pages while I sat on a branch overhead. Ax reads faster than me, but he always waits to turn the page until I tell him I’m ready.

We read short stories until the sun was too dim to read by. Then I helped Ax with more preparations for his scoop until the sky was completely dark.

«Should be safe to make the rounds now,» I said, when the moon was high. Ax knew what I meant. I like to wait to visit our human friends until it’s dark enough that no one will notice a hawk hanging out near a house.

«Will you visit Prince Jake?»

«No. Rachel. But I can stop by and say hi to Jake for you if you want.»

«There is no need. Enjoy your visit.»

I flew to Rachel’s house. I’d been visiting her more often since… well, since David. It was hard on all of us, but I think it was hardest on Rachel. We were all a part of the plot to murder him – none of us could claim we were innocent – but it was Rachel who dealt the killing blow. We didn’t really talk about what happened, but one time we visited David’s grave together, and El always reminded Abineng how beautiful his form is, even though he settled during a bad time. As her friend, it was the least I could do.

I landed in the tree near Rachel’s window. I used to come right up to her windowsill and tap on the glass, but not anymore. It was too risky, if anyone else in the house noticed, and besides, Rachel didn’t startle well these days. I reached out with my thought-speech. «Rachel?»

She wasn’t in her room, but she must have been nearby, because Abineng walked in through her bedroom door and looked for me through the glass. Rachel closed the bedroom door behind her, came up to the window, and opened it. I flew into her room, perching on the back of her chair. «How are you?» El said. «Your coat looks very shiny today, Abi.»

“Fine. Thanks,” said Abi, standing a little straighter on his hooves, but Rachel looked impatient. “Someone’s come to the school to ask about you, Tobias,” she said.

«About _me_?» I said. «Who?» I couldn’t imagine who would care enough to ask. 

“A lawyer with a dragonfly dæmon,” said Rachel. “He says he was your father’s lawyer. Says his client is some woman named Aria. He said that she’s your cousin.”

«Aria? Isn’t that a song they sing in an opera?»

Rachel leaned toward me, so her bedside lamp illuminated her face and the logo on the long sports jersey she wore. I wondered, vaguely, if it were a hand-me-down from Tom or Jake. “Who cares what her name means?”

«My cousin?» My aunt never had kids, and my uncle Leo’s ex-wife got custody of his kids in the divorce, before I was born. I guessed she could be one of Leo’s, or maybe her mom was my aunt and uncle’s older sister Tammy, who died in a car accident when I was two. «Who does she say she's related to? I mean, who is her mother or father? What shape is her dæmon?»

“I don’t know,” Rachel said snappishly. “She wasn’t there. I got it secondhand from Chapman.”

I didn’t like the sound of any of it. Everyone who’s ever told me they were going to take care of me turned out to be lying. I trusted Jake as my leader, Toby as my student, Ax as my _shorm_ , the rest of the Animorphs as my comrades-in-arms and friends. But I didn’t trust anyone as my parent, or anything remotely like one.

But Rachel said Aria wanted to give me a home. A place to call my own. For her, I could be human, have El with me all the time. I could feel the longing in her at the thought. 

Aria didn’t have to be a parent. She could just be family. I’d seen that from the outside, between Rachel and Jake. But I had no idea what that felt like.

 _We could find out,_ El whispered in my mind.

I fled Rachel, and El’s traitorous thoughts, into the night.


	2. Chapter 2

_I don’t trust it,_ I thought as I circled over the strip mall.

_You don’t trust anything,_ El thought. _But I want to._

_That’s not true and you know it,_ I grouched back.

_Fine then. You don’t trust any adults, and for good reason. But – I want to try, this time._

_Fine,_ I snapped. _Just get hurt again._

_Maybe I will,_ El thought, and I immediately regretted my words. I was right to be on guard against DeGroot. But I couldn’t completely pretend that I didn’t have a bit of hope.

_Let’s just get this over with,_ I thought, and landed in the alley where the supplies were stashed. 

I always feel so heavy when I become human. All that weight, piling into and onto my bones from Zero-space, pinning me to the ground. I wondered if this flesh was the same I started out with, or if all mass goes into one big pool in Zero-space, and not one atom of my original body was left in the one I wore now.

_I feel heavy too,_ El mused, pinching my shoulder with her claw, as if to see if she could find out by feel whether my body was the same one I’d grown up with. _I’ve gotten so used to being weightless…_

I quickly pulled on the clothes left for me in the alley, eager to cover all the bare stretches of my smooth pale skin. Then I took up the last item Jake had gotten for me: a cane his Grandpa G had left at his house the last time he visited. The cane had been Marco’s and Cassie’s idea. In a rare moment of cooperative thinking, they figured that if this was a trap to infest me, the Yeerks would be less likely to want me as a host if I pretended to be crippled. After all, it was probably how Loren had escaped the Yeerks’ attention, even though she’d somehow met an Andalite.

To make the act convincing, though, I was going to have to injure my leg.

_The edge of the Dumpster should do it,_ thought El. _3…2…1…_

I meant to do it. I really did. I wasn’t even really afraid of the pain. But at the last second, I pulled the kick, and I only banged my knee a little. It still hurt. 

_But only a little,_ El said. _You can handle this. For real, this time._

I let out a shaking breath. _OK. Here goes._

El squeezed my shoulder tight as I bashed my knee as hard as I could into the edge of the Dumpster. My leg folded in on itself, and I sank to the ground, gasping with the pain. I really did need the cane to get back up, and the knees of my borrowed jeans were scuffed with dirt. _Sorry, Rachel,_ I thought.

_She won’t mind. Just tell her how stoic you were about hitting your own leg and she’ll be impressed,_ El teased.

I blushed. Rachel had tried to shoot down the cane plan, saying it wasn’t fair to ask me to hurt myself. It was nice to know she cared, but I also resented it a little. I can take care of myself.

I leaned on the cane as I walked, gritting my teeth with the effort of each step. I’d gotten my leg but good. There was hardly anyone in the strip mall. I was glad. I never liked crowds, but I like them even less now that I’m used to living in the woods and flying. 

When I got to DeGroot’s office, the first thing I noticed was the way the secretary stared at me. I’m not used to being noticed, but then again, a teenager walking around with a cane gets a lot more noticed than a hawk on the wing. I wondered what it must be like for teenagers who really do need a cane. They must get stared at all the time, no matter what they do. It didn’t seem fair. All I wanted to do was get this over with.

“Hello,” I said. My voice felt hoarse and heavy in my throat. It felt thick and slow using sounds to talk instead of thoughts. “Hello. My name is Tobias. Tobias Calladan. I think Mr. DeGroot wanted to talk to me.” 

The secretary’s sparrow dæmon eyed me suspiciously as she called in to check with DeGroot. El stared back levelly. DeGroot must have told her he really did want to see me, because she showed me in, holding the door open.

When DeGroot saw me, a faintly repulsed look flashed across his face for a second. Another person might have missed it, but I didn’t. Anyone who’s been bullied a lot knows why. You have to be able to read people, when you get picked on a lot, so you know when to run away. But I couldn’t tell if it was the Yeerk revulsion toward crippled hosts, or just regular old human prejudice.

I sat down in the chair before his desk, wincing a little as I bent my bad leg. The lawyer acted all concerned. I wasn’t sure if he really was. His dragonfly dæmon was small, brown, and hard to read. I just brushed him off. He told me this whole story about my father’s last statement and a relative who wanted me. I wasn’t sure what to think. I’d gone my whole life without any family who cared about me, and suddenly I had a real dad who’d cared enough to leave a message with this lawyer and a cousin who cared enough to want to take me in. 

If Zachary Calladan, the man who died, the man whose last name was mine, wasn’t my real dad, then who was he? If my real dad had left a last statement, he must be dead too. How had he died? Why had my family lied to me? I wouldn’t have thought they cared about me enough to come up with some big lie. Had they been lying about my mother too, about crazy Lauren with the deer dæmon who decided she didn’t want me anymore?

_They probably didn’t care enough to find out who our real dad was,_ El thought darkly. _Or Leo was too drunk and Zoë too busy to remember._

I walked to the convenience store, gritting my teeth against the jarring impact of every step on my knee. Ax was there, with Marco posing as his dæmon in wolf morph, as planned. I picked up a Mounds bar, giving them the signal that I was OK, and looked at a newspaper to check the date.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ax leave the convenience store, his hand twined in the fur of Marco’s ruff. Ax was getting good at playing human. Together, they looked just like any other person.

There was this huge yawning gap in my chest. I felt like I might implode. I wasn’t sure what it was. It was all too much.

_Yeah,_ said El. _I wish I were with Ax too._

Ah. Jealousy. That was it. I got mad at myself. Jealous of Marco for pretending to be Ax’s dæmon, for doing the job I usually did? How pathetic was that? I had so many other things to be torn up about, and that was first on my mind.

«I think there’s someone following you. A big guy in a suit,» Jake told me.

Someone following me. Concern for a kid runaway? Controllers after me? No way to know. I ran, gripping the cane like a weapon in my hand, El flying along beside me.

If I thought walking was bad before, running was agony. I could manage it, barely, but my leg screamed protest. I felt trapped. I was pinned down by gravity. Even El was trapped, her flight bound to my human body. For just a moment before I demorphed, El thought about Aria. If she were real, we could be together all the time. Maybe being human would feel like freedom, then, instead of a trap. But that was too dangerous to contemplate for long. I put down Jake’s grandpa’s cane as gently as I could, demorphed, and flew away, free from my pursuers and the pain.

_I can’t see them_ , I thought. _I can’t handle Ax and Marco and my stupid jealousy, I can’t handle Rachel and her protectiveness, I can’t handle Cassie being all understanding, I just can’t can’t can’t._

_There’s one friend you can see,_ El pointed out. _One friend who doesn’t know._

_Right,_ I said, relieved. _I need to bring her the new book anyway. Toby’s always so happy to get new books._

I flew to Ax’s scoop, morphed into a horse I’d acquired from Cassie’s farm, and took the plastic bag with the Asimov book in my teeth. Running as a horse wasn’t a total high like flying, but it was _work._ I had to fight to get up the hills into the Hork-Bajir valley. It felt good. I could focus on my muscles bunching and relaxing instead of the awful thoughts swirling in my head. 

I thundered down the shallower end of the Hork-Bajir valley. It was a different view than what I was used to from flying in all the time. I couldn’t see right away which Hork-Bajir I’d encounter first. In fact, they’d probably know I was there before I was aware of them. Now that was an odd feeling.

Even with all that in mind, I wasn’t prepared for what I saw and heard when I passed through the gap that opened into the valley. Two dozen of the free Hork-Bajir, most of the population living there, were gathered there. I’d never seen so many of them together.

Jara, Ket, and Toby were at the front. “Friend Tobias!” Jara said, waving.

«Hi, Jara. Hi, Ket,» I said. I dumped the bag with the book in front of Toby. «Hello, Toby. Uh, here’s your new book.»

“Toby say you come,” said Ket. “Come with teaching.” The Hork-Bajir didn’t have any use for books themselves, but they knew I used them to teach Toby, and that Toby liked them very much, and that was good enough for them.

Toby picked up the bag and passed it to Jara, murmuring words too quiet for my horse ears to make out. Then she turned to me, solemn. “Tobias, we need your help.”

My heart sank. Toby never asked for help, even from me, about the affairs of the Hork-Bajir. She asked questions only indirectly, in what-if scenarios and metaphor. This had to be serious. «What’s wrong?»

“Bek is missing,” said Toby. “He’s left the valley. We’re afraid he might be killed by humans or Controllers – or worse, infested.”

I started to demorph. As my horse eyes sharpened into hawk vision, I could see the grim expressions on the Hork-Bajir’s faces. They had so few children, and they were the valley’s hope: the first Hork-Bajir in generations to be born into freedom. Like Toby. 

«I’m so sorry,» I said. «Do you know where he went?»

“We found tracks leading out of the south end of the valley,” said Toby.

«Oh, fuck me with a chainsaw,» I snarled.

“What does Friend Tobias mean?” asked Jara.

«Never mind,» I said. «How long has he been gone?»

“Since this time yesterday,” said Toby. “A couple of hours after you left. I didn’t know how to contact you, but I knew you’d come back.”

«We need to figure out some way to keep in touch. But for now, I need to get the others. We’ll start a search.» Then, I realized something. «Could Bek find his way back? Guide someone to the valley? The Ellimist has a weird spell on this place.»

“Bek could not find his way back,” Toby said cautiously. “But the rest of us could.”

Fully demorphed, I stared at her with hawk eyes. «You leave the valley? Toby, that’s dangerous!»

“Yes, Tobias. Where did you think all the other Hork-Bajir came from? What have you been training me for? Of course it’s dangerous. But it’s worth it.”

_She doesn’t trust us,_ El thought, dully horrified.

«I – I guess I just assumed the Ellimist made it happen,» I said dumbly. 

Toby grinned. “We make it happen. We go at night and raid places where we know Hork-Bajir are. I lead my people, just like you taught me to do."

Yesterday, Toby had asked Ax – _do these tactics really work? Constantly changing formation so the enemy can’t predict what you’ll do next?_ That wasn’t just curiosity. Toby had been planning for her next raid.

«You go to the Yeerk pool? Toby, you should have told me. I would have helped you.»

“We don’t go to the Yeerk pool. You’ve told me what it’s like, I know better than that. We go to a secret Yeerk facility that’s being built. Not in Santa Barbara, but in Bakersfield, out beyond the far end of the valley. Tobias, it is very important for us to continue freeing our brothers and sisters. We - “

«You think I don’t know that?» I butted in. «You need people to fight the Yeerks. But more than that, your people deserve to be free. I know that.» Finally, desperately, I voiced El’s doubts: «Don’t you trust me?»

“What will Jake say when you tell him about the facility?” said Toby.

«He’ll want to attack it.»

“Exactly. But if the Yeerks abandon the facility, then where will we go to free our people? Don’t you understand, Tobias? Could you truly say to me that you wouldn’t have told Jake about this?”

«Of course I wouldn’t have,» I said, but then a vision of Jake flashed in my mind: his disappointment and betrayal when he’d found out that I’d helped Ax sneak into the observatory to contact his people. Could I bear to see him like that again?

Ket twined her fingers through her daughters’, then leaned her head toward me, offering up a head blade to use as a perch. “We want free for Hork-Bajir, yes?” she said.

«Yes, Ket. All of us do.»

“Together,” she said. “Together we make free. Help Bek.”

I flew to Ket’s head blade and perched there. She and Jara had a way of putting things in perspective. «Right,» I said. «Together. I’ll get the Animorphs on it. And I promise to keep Jake from attacking the facility without your approval.»

Toby nodded slowly, her eyes fixed on me, but she didn’t extend a hand or head blade in reconciliation, as Ket had. We’d have to resolve our issues later.

_I wonder how that would have gone, if not for Ket,_ El said, as I flew away from the valley.

* * *

_This hawk body feels too tight. Too small. I’m itching. Let’s morph, and I’ll touch you,_ said El.

We were circling over the alley with the Dumpster again, this time with no backup. I had been circling for too long. I landed and morphed human, but even with El in my arms, that too felt wrong.

_I wonder what it would be like to have no body at all,_ I thought. _Maybe it would be better than this._

_Don’t,_ said El. 

_This is your fault,_ I railed silently. _You’re the one who dreamed of being human and dæmon with Aria. Dreamed of cuddling up to that pony-Controller “dæmon,” ugh. I hate you for wanting that. That’s not us anymore. We gave that up a long time ago, now._

_Yeah, and how about you not noticing that her dæmon never spoke, when we’ve played Ax’s dæmon so many times? Not noticing when she went to the bathroom every tow hours? How about seeing her save a kid and thinking that made her human, when Controllers manage to fool us every day? You’re an idiot. I hate you._ El paused. _But there are people who don’t hate us. When it’s over, Ax will be waiting in the woods._

_What the hell,_ I thought. _I fight for them. Might as well live for them too._

So I didn’t just end it all in that alley, even though it would have solved the problem. Now it all depended on our ability to show no emotion at all.

I don’t think we could have shown what we were feeling if we’d tried.

I settled El on my shoulder and injured my leg again, taking care to do it on the same leg, in the same place. The pain felt good, like a punishment I deserved for believing I could have a normal human life.

I struggled with the door to DeGroot’s office again, trying to push it and keep my weight on the cane at the same time. Suddenly, the door opened all the way, and I could let go and focus on walking with my cane. Aria had opened it for me.

_I have to admit,_ said El, _the Visser is good at this._ There was no flash of disgust, or even of saccharine pity on Aria’s face. Just a smile, and a hint of concern in her furrowed brow. 

“You must be Tobias,” she said, pulling me into a hug. Her “dæmon,” a pony I knew to be a Controller after seeing him standing calm and intent next to the Visser in the helicopter, reached his head out, offering a perch for El. It reminded her of Ket’s kind gesture from yesterday, but in awful parody. She gripped my shoulder so hard it hurt. I stiffened and pulled away from the hug. It was bad enough to have Visser Three _hugging_ me, but letting a Controller touch El was more than I could stand.

“It’s okay,” said Aria, petting the pony-Controller between the ears, just as any human would her dæmon. “Tobias, we’re family. I want to take care of you.”

DeGroot came over and shook my hand. “Come on in, young man,” he said. I wouldn’t have noticed it if I wasn’t looking for it, but as he passed by Aria into his office, his dragonfly dæmon’s wings shivered. 

_He’s in on it,_ thought El. _He’s a Controller too._

In DeGroot’s office, we all settled into our roles. One Yeerk playing an affable lawyer. Another Yeerk playing the concerned family member, and a third playing his dæmon. And me, the bitter, crippled runaway.

_Focus,_ said El, scanning around the room. _They probably have Hork-Bajir waiting above the ceiling tiles…_

I forced myself not to shudder at that thought. 

"We are here today to carry out the reading of an important document left for Tobias Calladan by his father. Not by Zachary Calladan, but by his real father.”

“Whatever,” I sneered. El stared down DeGroot with black beady eyes.

We all did some posturing. I settled into my role, laughing derisively and rolling my eyes. I’d been living on my own, no one in my family had ever helped me before, and I didn’t trust any new family to help me now. It was scary how close my angry teenage runaway act was to the truth. 

So I steeled myself, and listened to the letter that had the Yeerks so interested in me. 

I heard the story of my father, how he loved and lost, while sitting next to his murderer in disguise. 

I heard how he ran away from the war (this I could understand) and became human, had a dæmon (this I _couldn’t_ understand), built a new life, and gave it all up at the Ellimist’s call. 

I thought of how he’d reached for Elhariel, so longingly, and suddenly I understood everything all too well. I thought of his fingers in El’s feathers, and for the first time since I regained my human body, I felt my throat prickle with tears.

_NO!_ cried El, silently, her claws digging painfully into my shoulder with the effort to keep still. _One tear and it’s all over!_

I’d managed my whole life without a real father. I could pretend I didn’t have one for just a little while longer.

“It’s signed Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul,” said DeGroot, “and Hala Fala.”

Hala Fala. That had to be his dæmon from his human life, whose voice and shape I would never know.

_It doesn’t matter. That’s not your father. You’re a crippled street kid, a nothing,_ said El harshly.

For the first time in my life, I knew right down to my bones that that wasn’t true. I wasn’t a worthless kid nobody wanted. Elfangor had to have known, somehow. Why else would he have reached for El, and no one else’s dæmon? He had known me, wanted to be with me, and passed on that final gift. I had a father worth having, and Ax – an _uncle_. I belonged somewhere. I meant something.

But I’d spent my whole life until then thinking the exact opposite, so El was right. I could pretend. I knew how, so well.

They bought it. Visser Three let me walk away. Through the door, I heard DeGroot say, "Shouldn't we take him? Just to be safe? Make him one of us?"

The Visser snorted. “He’s crippled trash. A waste of a Yeerk. Imagine Elfangor’s shame, if he knew his son to be a _vecol_ and a fool!”

The words didn’t sting. I knew, El knew, all the way through, that they weren’t true. 

I demorphed to hawk behind the Dumpster and soared away. I heard the words of the letter echo over and over in my mind, edging out all other thought. It was only back in my meadow that I morphed human and looked at my hands, felt my face and my heartbeat that my father gave me, and cried.

I didn’t cry because I felt betrayed. My father didn’t leave me behind because he didn’t love his life on Earth. Why else would he make his last stand here? He left because it was necessary and right. I’m not sure I would have had the strength to give up my human life if it had actually been worth living. But I knew Elfangor did.

I cried because I would never get the chance to know him. Elfangor was the best father I could hope to have, and I had only had a few minutes together with him. Why hadn’t I paid more attention?

_We didn’t know,_ said El, rubbing her head against my cheek.

I thought of that connection we’d felt with him, electric and intense, and wasn’t so sure.

_I wonder what Hala Fala was like,_ El thought. _I wonder what she might have named me, if she’d gotten the chance…_

_Our mom’s dæmon must have named you himself,_ I thought. _Though she wouldn’t remember anything. If the Ellimist erased his human life, he would have wiped her memory too. Made sure she didn’t go around talking about blue… aliens…_

A hope exploded in my chest, too fast and hard to contain. I was so used to fighting down hope, to locking it away, but today it seemed like anything was possible. I had a father, and an uncle, so why couldn’t I have this too?

_She doesn’t go around talking about blue aliens,_ said El, a sort of numb amazement in her voice. _She has better sense than that. She tells no one but Jaxom._

I thought of everything my aunt and uncle had ever told me about my mom, searching for any contradiction. They mostly just called her a crazy irresponsible freak, and cursed her for dumping me on them. One time, when I asked, Aunt Zoë said her dæmon was “some kind of stupid looking deer.” I’d always thought that Zoë and Leo called her Lauren, but there was no reason it couldn’t have been spelled the other way.

“I have to find out,” said El.

“Let’s go,” I said, and demorphed.

I barely had to think to make my way to Loren’s house. I’d done it often enough. It was only when I got there that I realized she wouldn’t be back from volunteering at the church yet. How could I have been so stupid?

_How could you not be stupid, in this situation?_

I perched in a tree by her house. _You’re right. This whole thing is stupid. We should go ask Jake before doing this._

_If we ask,_ said El, an uncommon steel in her voice, _he’ll say no._

_Maybe he’d be right,_ I said. _This is too risky._

_No!_ El snarled. _If Cassie could decide that she can trust a_ Yeerk _, then why can’t we decide we can trust her? He’d say no, and it wouldn’t be fair. Marco nearly walked on this war, and that was OK with Jake. Ax went behind his back to contact his people, and that was OK too. Cassie made herself a Controller and that was OK in the end – and we_ know _Loren isn’t one of them! We’ve done so much for Jake. This time, we’re doing something stupid and hopeful and brave. For_ us.

Loren turned the corner onto the street. She wore an off-white pullover and a flowing gray skirt. Jaxom walked three steps ahead of her, head high. She looked like somebody’s mother.

I stared at her blonde hair, a few shades lighter than mine, and her wide cheekbones, just like mine, now that I really stopped to look at them. Maybe we had other things in common, but I no longer knew my own face well enough to be sure.

She looked like somebody’s mother. And maybe, just maybe, she looked like mine.


	3. Chapter 3

I was pouring myself a glass of apple juice when I heard a knock on the doorframe to the kitchen. “Hello?” said a boy’s voice. Young, not yet broken, maybe thirteen.

Jaxom wheeled around and automatically settled into position for a fight. I drank my apple juice calmly, as if having a stranger in my home didn’t faze me. Jax saw that the boy had messy fair hair, and dressed in tight clothing. His dæmon was a little dark bird on his shoulder. Strangely, he was barefoot. He didn’t look like one of the local gang kids. No kid from around here would walk down the streets barefoot, with all their broken bottles and cigarette ash, no matter how nice the weather might be.

“I thought I locked the door when I came in,” I said tersely.

“Sorry,” said the boy. “I didn’t pick the lock or anything. I’m not here to scare you. I just want to talk. It’s important.”

He didn’t sound threatening. He didn’t sound like he was trying to sell something. He didn’t sound like _anything_. It was uncanny how even his voice was. Boys his age usually wore their hearts on their sleeves.

“You have ten seconds to convince me not to call the police,” I said. The only reason I hadn’t right away was because he was so young, and so foolishly, _innocently_ barefoot.

“My name is Tobias Calladan,” he said. “Sound familiar?”

I put down my glass of juice with a clink. Jax leaned against my legs to support me. _It was bound to happen sooner or later,_ he whispered in my mind.

_Yes. Of course. But I thought I’d be more ready,_ I thought.

_How could anyone be ready for this?_

“Have a seat,” I said hoarsely, gesturing toward the kitchen table. I took my juice with me and sat at the head of the table. I curled one hand around Jaxom’s neck. He noticed that Tobias – that my _son_ – left one chair empty between him and me. I was grateful for the space. It gave me room to breathe.

I took a long pull of juice and said, “I guess you want to know why I didn’t take care of you.”

“I – ” The boy choked. It was the first sign of emotion he’d shown. “I know about the accident. About the amnesia.”

“Leo and Zoë told you?” 

“No,” Tobias bit out. “They didn’t tell me anything about you. I would’ve visited you sooner if I’d known.”

I hadn’t expected any better of my siblings. They never visited me again, after the custody meeting for Tobias. My son, the strange baby who hadn’t felt like mine, who sat at my table. I remembered flashes of him, in my dreams, as Little One. But that didn’t make the boy seem any more familiar.

To my surprise, Jax propped his front legs up on the chair between him and Tobias so he could bring himself closer to his dæmon’s level. “I’m sorry, Elhariel. We couldn’t care for you because we couldn’t care for ourselves. We were like little children, too. We lost our names. Your names. How to read. How to go to the bathroom. After the accident, we didn’t even recognize you. I wish it could have been different.”

The bird dæmon shifted on Tobias’ shoulder. “Thank you. For explaining. I guess it’s good to know it… it hurt you too.” She hopped down to touch her beak to Jax’s nose briefly, then hopped back up.

“That’s not the only reason, though,” said Tobias. “There’s something else from my past – from our past – I need to know about. Do you remember anything from before the accident about a friend? A friend who was blue?”

The hairs on the back of my neck prickled. Jaxom thought, _Danger!_ I don’t know how we knew that my memories were dangerous secrets. Maybe because some of them were so frightening they made me wake up in the night in a cold sweat. My son had never known me. How could he know so much about me? “Maybe,” I said, pulling Jax close. “Why does it matter?”

“Because that friend of yours,” said Tobias, back to that unnervingly level voice of his, “was an alien.”

Anger flared in me for a moment. Did my son think it would be funny to come to my house, to make me dredge up old hurts, just to play a joke on me? But even as he said it, Jax recalled the scent he’d picked up in the woods by the national parkland, how it had been like nothing he’d ever smelled before, or could even have imagined. I thought of the nameless, formless terrors that haunted my dreams, and the sourceless fear I’d felt when Sam from the self-defense club had gone on and on about some service organization he’d joined. It was all so unexplainable that maybe the only explanation was an impossible one.

“Why do you say that?” I said, trying to give nothing away in my voice, like Tobias did. But I was not as visually aware as seeing people, could not hold my face or Jaxom’s posture in a way that would look neutral, because through Jaxom’s grainy monochrome vision I couldn’t read any expressions well, even my own.

“Because I met him,” said Tobias. “He has blue fur, four legs ending in hooves, a body like a deer’s, a torso like a man’s, a tail like a bullwhip ending in a blade, and a mouthless face with two extra eyes on stalks. He has green eyes, and a voice that speaks in your head. He’s kind and brave. His name is Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul.”

Tobias’ words struck a chord in me, somewhere deep inside. Some of my dream fragments made more sense, with that description. But I couldn’t just accept his words, even though he was my son. I’ve had too many people try to take advantage of my disability. 

_And he’s talking about aliens,_ Jax pointed out. _Aliens, for Christ’s sake!_

“And how can I know that you’re telling the truth?” I said quietly.

“Elfangor gave me technology from his planet. It gave me the power to morph. To change my body and my dæmon’s into the form of any animal we touch. I can show you.”

“What do you mean, your body and your dæmon’s?” said Jax.

“I’m settled,” said – what had her name been on the birth certificate? – Elhariel. “I mean my body and Tobias’ merge into the form of an animal.”

_They sound delusional,_ said Jax. _Or lying for attention, or something._

_But if he knows about Blue, my past – I have to find out. Besides, he’s our son. We’ll give him a chance._

“All right,” I said, letting out a slow breath. “Show me.”

“I’ll have to close the curtain on this window. I don’t want anyone watching.”

_Is he going to hurt us? Closing the window so no one will see?_

_It doesn’t matter,_ I thought. _Even if the curtain were open I doubt anyone around here would notice or care._

“Go ahead,” I said.

Jaxom felt the light in the room go dim as Tobias closed the curtain. It didn’t affect his eyesight much, adapted as it was to the low light of the rainforest floor. Tobias sat cross-legged in the center of the kitchen table and held out his hand. “Hold my hand,” he said. “You’ll feel the change.”

Jax climbed up on my lap to get a better view. He peered at Tobias’ outstretched hand. It would be the first time I’d touched my son since he was a toddler. I took his hand. It was soft, and sweating a little. Was he as nervous as I was? Of course. He didn’t remember me any more than I remembered him. He would have had no idea how I’d react to any of this. Or maybe it meant nothing at all.

At first I noticed nothing. Then I felt the bones of Tobias’ hand shift in my grip. I yelped and pulled my hand away. 

_The texture of his legs changed,_ thought Jax, disbelieving. _They look… scaly, almost._

“It’s all right. Take my hand again,” Tobias said gently.

“Don’t let go. At one point you won’t be able to see me anymore,” said Elhariel. “That doesn’t mean I’m gone. Just remember, I’m still there.”

I had no idea what she meant. _Maybe I should call the police,_ I thought. _Or run away. Something. Anything but watch this happen._

_He’s not a monster, he’s our son,_ Jax thought back fiercely. _If what he says is true, then I need to know about it. We owe him at least much._

I steeled myself, and took his hand again. Most of the bones in the hand disappeared, and I yelped again in surprise, but did not let go. I heard horrible crunches and pops as the bones changed.

“Are you in pain?” Jax asked quietly, staring at Tobias’ face as it pushed outward to a point.

“No,” said Elhariel. Then she disappeared. 

Jax made a tiny, pathetic sound of pain, like he’d been kicked, and curled into the fetal position. My grip on Tobias’ hand – which wasn’t much of a hand anymore – tightened to a vise. “Elhariel?” I half-whispered.

«Like I said. Still here,» said her voice in my head. It wasn’t like Jax’s voice in my head, so intimate and familiar that it was just another flavor of thought. It was more like someone had opened up my brain, found the part that understood what people said, and dropped the words in there directly. Yet it was unmistakably Elhariel speaking, and it was also unmistakably familiar. I’d heard a voice like that in my head before.

I could feel the texture of Tobias’ skin change, the contours of feathers rough against my palm. Jax, reassured, uncurled himself and peered back over the kitchen table. He saw a hawk with no tail, scaly legs ending in human-shaped feet. I was holding one of its wingtips. One of _his_ wingtips. 

“Where are you, Elhariel?” Jax said.

«We both become the hawk,» said Elhariel. «You’re looking at me right now.»

As Jax watched, Tobias finished changing. There was a hawk sitting on my kitchen table. I let go of his wing.

_He was telling the truth,_ I thought. _My son came to tell me his secrets, to help me learn about my past, and I treated him like he was playing a cruel joke on me. I can’t imagine what his life must be like. How did he end up meeting an alien who turned his life upside down like this?_

_How did_ we _end up meeting an alien?_ Jax wondered. _Could the car crash have happened on purpose? To make us forget?_

_Oh, now you sound like one of those conspiracy theorists,_ I thought automatically, but then, if aliens were real, if technology that could make people turn into animals was real, then maybe conspiracy theories could be real too.

“How did this happen to you, Tobias?” I asked, because I was suddenly afraid for him. What if the world found out? My son would never get a moment’s peace. He’d be scrutinized and glorified and vilified by all the world. I know what it’s like to be so obviously different from everyone else. But I had a feeling I knew what had happened. I knew who I heard speaking in my head like that before.

«Like I said, Elfangor gave me the power. The blue alien you knew.» He paused, and when he spoke again, his mind-voice was taut with a terrible sadness. «I don’t know how much you remember about him, but he cared about you a lot. And I – I’m sorry. He was dying, when we met.»

My heart throbbed painfully against the inside of my ribs. I thought of all my flashes of memory of Blue – no, of Elfangor – how they made me smile, all the things I’d wanted to learn about that ghost from my past. Tobias was right. Elfangor had been a friend, a dear one. And now I could never meet him and try to rediscover that friendship.

“Why?” I said, more plaintively than I’d wanted to reveal. 

«Elfangor was an Andalite. But Andalites aren’t the only aliens out there. There’s another species called the Yeerks. They’re parasites, but they don’t live in your gut like a tapeworm or in your hair like lice. They live in your brain, and everything in your brain becomes theirs. Everything you think, everything you remember, everything you do. When a Yeerk enters your brain, you become a ghost in your own body. 

«At first, Yeerks stuck to hosts from their home planet. Then an Andalite gave the Yeerks the technology to travel the stars, and they used it to enslave other species. They’ve been spreading all over this part of the galaxy. And they’re here, on Earth. The Andalites fight them, but they’re spread too thin. Elfangor landed here as he was dying and gave me and my friends the morphing technology, so we can hold them off for as long as we can until the Andalite fleet arrives. We’ve been fighting the Yeerks ever since.

«Elfangor was killed by Visser Three, the Yeerk in charge of the invasion of Earth. He’s the only Yeerk to have infested an Andalite. He can morph, like me. I guess he and Elfangor fought each other for a long time, before the end.» There, Tobias stopped, and seemed to trail off into his own thoughts.

_None of this can be true,_ Jax thought. _Blue left us to go fight aliens?_

_Listen to yourself,_ I retorted. _You’re incredulous because you can’t believe that the blue-furred, strange-smelling friend that we sort of remember after total traumatic amnesia was an alien who left us behind to go fight other aliens?_

_He didn’t just leave us behind,_ Jax said, sounding shell-shocked. _He_ died. _Protecting_ Earth. 

_And he gave the power to defend the Earth to our son,_ I thought. I felt numb. It was all so _unfair._ Unfair for Elfangor, unfair for me, and most of all unfair for Tobias. 

_You’re crying,_ Jax said dully.

_Oh,_ I thought. _Am I?_ I wiped my eyes, and the side of my hand came away wet. 

_I think he might be watching you cry,_ Jax added.

Abruptly I felt uncomfortable. Some of what I felt had to do with Tobias, but some of it was private. I didn’t want to spill it all out now. Besides, this must be difficult for him too. He didn’t need the added burden of thinking he’d upset me. He had, but it was necessary.

Another thought, alarming but easier to share, occurred to Jax. “Is Sam Singh infested by a Yeerk?”

Tobias shifted his head, so Jax was pretty sure those bright hawk eyes were fixed on him. «Yes. How did you know?» said Elhariel.

“I had a bad feeling, the way he talked about that Sharing club,” Jax said. “I had no idea why. But I think maybe it was from a memory.”

«The Sharing is run by the Yeerks,» Tobias said. «They use it for recruiting new human-Controllers. That’s what we call people with Yeerks in their heads.»

“How do _you_ know?” I said, watery, wiping my face again. “Did Elfangor tell you all this, before he died?”

«Most of it. Not about the Sharing. We found that out ourselves. But he told us a lot. He told us how the Yeerks need to leave their hosts to feed every three days. That’s how I knew you’re not a Controller.»

“You watched me for three days straight?”

«With help from my friends, yes. Sorry about that. I couldn’t risk telling you all this without knowing for sure.»

“Cassie,” I said, realization settling in. “She’s one of your friends. I wasn’t imagining things. There really was someone like Blue – an Andalite – living near her house.”

«Yeah. Sorry about the little show we did as wolves. We were never going to hurt you. We didn’t know we could trust you, so we had to scare you off.»

I thought of that night, of wandering through the national park with tingling hope that I might find some clue to my past, then terror as a pack of wolves howled and gathered in the darkness. All a play put on for my benefit. How much more of my life was a lie?

_Put it aside for now,_ Jax said. _Think of what anyone else would do if they saw a real live alien. Call the police, right? That would be a disaster. You know how people are when they see a freak._

_All right,_ I thought grudgingly. _If the Andalite is his friend, I can forgive him for being protective._

“Who is the Andalite? Is he one of your friends?” I asked.

«My best friend,» Tobias corrected without hesitation. «His name is Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill. He’s Elfangor’s younger brother.»

Longing pulled sharply behind my ribs. I wanted Tobias to bring me back to the parkland behind Cassie’s house and introduce me to his Andalite friend. I wanted to ask him about his older brother. I wanted to know everything about Elfangor, my Blue.

_Ours,_ Jax said, and that was when we began to suspect. 

“Elfangor could morph like you, is that right?” said Loren.

«I never saw him do it, but yes, he must have,» said Tobias. «All Andalites in the military have the power.»

There had been memories of love, of a handsome man who wasn’t Zachary. And if Tobias could become a hawk, there was no reason an Andalite couldn’t become a man.

“Tobias,” I said. “Can you turn back into yourself again? I need to hear your voice. Your real voice. And to see as much of you as Jax can.”

He turned his head to look at me. Then his beak started to flatten into his face. I didn’t hold him this time, but Jax watched as closely as he could, his muddy black-and-white vision registering the grotesque shifts in Tobias’ body. Jax couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t safe, and flinched a little every time a bone snapped. He didn’t look away until Elhariel had reappeared, and Tobias was once more a boy seated cross-legged on my kitchen table.

Jax extended his head in invitation. Elhariel hopped forward, cautiously, and touched her beak to Jax’s nose. This reassured him. Even hearing her voice, it was hard not to fear that she’d disappeared for good.

“This may be hard for you to hear,” I said, leaning forward and tilting my face to where I guessed Tobias’ eyes were. “But you ought to know. I think Elfangor and I were lovers.”

Tobias’ expression didn’t change. “I know,” he whispered. “He left me a letter. Elfangor was my father.”

I leaned back with a thump against the back of my chair. Jax curled into me, head tucked against my chest. 

“I hoped you’d say it first,” Tobias went on in quiet tones. “I thought you might not believe me if I said it.”

“I had a child with an alien,” I said flatly.

Elhariel’s claws scratched against the table convulsively, and I immediately regretted my tone of voice. Tobias said, “He became human. For you. He gave up his career in the Andalite military, gave up everything and everyone he knew. Morphing has a time limit, did I mention that? Stay in morph for more than two hours, and you’re stuck forever. Elfangor trapped himself in human morph. For you.”

“That can’t be,” I said. “He was an Andalite when you saw him. When he died.”

Tobias gave a harsh flat laugh, not at all like any laugh I’ve heard a child make. “Believe me, the time limit is real. Elfangor got a special escape clause. There’s this being called the Ellimist, you see. The Ellimist is to us what we are to ants. No, bacteria, even. He told Elfangor that the war was going badly and the Andalites needed him. He gave Elfangor his Andalite body back, and a chance to keep the Yeerks from overrunning the galaxy.”

“And he gave me up for it. He gave you up for it.” Abandoned by both his parents, and I could tell from Tobias’ blank face and flat voice what that had done to him.

“I forgive him,” Tobias said. “I’ve been fighting the Yeerks for more than a year now. If they win, it’s the end of everything. I understand why he did it.”

“Well, I don’t forgive him,” Jax said, impassioned, propping his forelegs up on the edge of the kitchen table so he could bring himself up to Tobias and Elhariel’s level. “Wars are fought by thousands of soldiers, or millions. You had only one father, and we had only one person we loved.”

“He did it for us too,” Elhariel said, quiet. “Earth might be lost by now if it weren’t for him, and both of us slaves to the Yeerks.”

“How can you say that?” I wanted Tobias to realize what Elfangor had done to him. But then, he didn’t know what he was missing. He didn’t know what it was like to have parents who loved him. I may not remember my life before the accident except in tiny fragments, but I can guess what my siblings are like. They only visited me once, after the accident, for the paperwork for custody of Tobias. “Tobias, you deserved so much more than… it’s his fault, don’t you see? It’s probably that Ellimist who did this to me, too, erased Elfangor from my life, and without the accident I could have had you. If your father had said no, this wouldn’t have happened to us.”

“I get it,” said Tobias. “You didn’t deserve this, and yeah, life could have been better for me too. But you don’t know what it’s like, fighting this war. You have to be ready to give up everything. Blame the Ellimist, if you want, but don’t be angry at Elfangor.”

“You can’t say that to me,” I said, tears choking my voice and running in steady streams from my sightless eyes. “How can I forgive him when he made our son into a soldier at age _thirteen?_ ”

I couldn’t speak anymore. The tears were coming on too hard and fast. Jaxom said, “I think we need some time alone. Come back Friday, same time. Don’t be a stranger.”

Tobias was already shrinking. “I’m sorry,” Elhariel said. 

“Better that we know,” Jaxom said. “Thank you.”

* * *

_I met my mother for the first time,_ I thought as I soared away from Loren’s house, _and I made her cry._

_I don’t see how it could have gone any better,_ El thought. _Is there any good way to take the news that your son is a shapeshifting alien fighter and his father was an alien?_

_There had to be some way I could have done it better than I did. What do I do now? What if she doesn’t want to see me again?_

_She does,_ El insisted. _Jaxom told us to come back._

_Why did I do that? Why didn’t I just tell her I’m her son and get to know her? Why didn’t I wait to tell her everything else?_

_Because the Ellimist has kept this from her for as long as we’ve been alive,_ said El, _and we know what it’s like to have our life jerked around by the Ellimist like that. Jaxom was right. Better that they know._

_What do I tell Jake?_ I wondered in a panic.

_Nothing,_ said El. _This is for us._

_I’m not sure I can keep a secret from Jake for that long,_ I said.

_Of course you can. You’ve never told him what was really going through your mind when we got trapped…_

I flinched internally. El never brings that up. _I think he knows._

_We can keep this secret,_ El insisted. _Besides the war, it’s the most important we’ve ever had._

Suddenly, I realized that without thinking, we’d flown toward the Hork-Bajir valley. 

_That’s probably for the best,_ El thought. _I’m not ready to talk to Ax yet._

_Ax,_ I thought. _My uncle. Uncle Ax. Doesn’t he deserve to know too? Elfangor’s kept this from him all his life. He had this whole other life as a human that Ax doesn’t know about!_

_And he has you for a nephew,_ El reminded him gently. _We’ll tell him. Eventually._

I tried to imagine telling Ax. _He’ll freak out. To him, Elfangor’s the biggest hero ever, and he abandoned his duty. He deserted, I guess you’d say in military talk. He deserted his species. He might not even believe me._

El said, _We could bring Loren to meet him first, without telling him about Elfangor. Get him used to the idea._

I considered it. _Yes. I think she’d like that too. But then he’d have to keep the secret from Jake too, and Loren would have to keep the secret about Elfangor from Ax. Too many secrets._

_I guess this is how the others must feel with their families,_ El said.

_I won’t keep any secrets from Loren. We’re going to tell her everything,_ I decided.

_Even about being a hawk?_

I felt myself falter a little in flight. _We can’t keep that from her for long, though I kind of wish we could. What will she say?_

_She’ll feel sorry for us,_ El said.

_And she’ll have a right to,_ I said. _More than any of the Animorphs. If we weren’t trapped this way, she could change her mind. She could decide we should live with her after all_ …

_This is dangerous,_ El said softly. _This is a worse temptation than Aria ever was. And if we let ourselves give in, if we give up the fight_ …

_Yeah._ I used to worry that I wasn’t of any use in the war, but I now knew for sure that wasn’t true. If six Animorphs became five, the battle for Earth might be lost for good. _But we won’t give in. Elfangor went back into the fight because it was his duty. We can do that too._

_And it was harder for him,_ said El, _because he walked away from a family he already had._

With that, the Hork-Bajir valley came into view in bits and pieces, slippery fragments sliding into my field of vision. The Ellimist’s protection had stopped creeping me out a while back, though, and I tucked my wings in for a swoop.

“Bek! Look!” I heard Jara Hamee say as I dove into the valley. “Friend Tobias! Tobias help you home!”

“Tobias is bird?” said Bek.

«Yes, that’s me,» I said, coming in to land on a tree branch next to the one where Jara sat with Bek in his arms. «How are you, Bek?»

When I showed up, Bek became shy and tucked himself against Jara’s chest. I couldn’t blame him, after what he’d been through.

“Tobias help Hork-Bajir again,” said Jara. “Tobias is true friend.”

Warmth pooled around my heart, not so different from how I felt when I learned I had a real family. That they were a different species was the least important thing in the world. They could count on me, and I could count on them, even when it was life or death.

«We will always help you,» said El.

“Is _hrala_ voice!” said Jara.

El was thrown for a moment by how Jara referred to her. But then, it made sense. Hork-Bajir could see _hrala_ , but they couldn’t hear it. Hearing a dæmon speak, to them, would be a chance to hear what _hrala_ sounded like (never mind that every dæmon sounds different.)

«I just wanted to make sure you knew,» said El.

“Yes. Jara know.”

I heard the shifting of branches far away. Then, a voice calling, “Tobias! You’re here!”

«I’m with your dad and Bek,» I told her.

“Teaching for Toby?” said Jara.

«Yes,» I said. I was here mostly to talk, but I was sure Toby had read at least some of the book by now, and teaching her would be a welcome distraction.

“Toby learn much. Good teaching.”

«Thanks,» I said. «You’re a true friend too, Jara.»

Jara beamed at me, then swung Bek onto his back and swung away through the trees.

When Toby showed up, the first thing she said was, “Are you all right, Tobias?”

«I’m fine,» I lied. «Thanks for rescuing me back there. We couldn’t have done it without you and your people. I’m sorry I got mad at you for keeping secrets. I can understand why. Your people have your own lives, your own battles. It’s not our right to know everything. We have to trust that you know what you’re doing.»

“Apology accepted. We couldn’t have done it without you,” said Toby. “I’m starting to see more of the real-life applications of what you and Ax have taught me, though I hadn’t realized the true value of morphing. Riding in there as insects meant that the Yeerks didn’t know your true strength. I’m glad you took the time to help.”

«Do you think you’ll be able to pull off more successful raids in the future?» I said.

“I hope so. Already we have four Hork-Bajir-Controllers under watch from today’s raid.” She tilted her head. “How do your missions go when it’s just you Animorphs?”

«No two missions are the same,» I said, «but usually we go in as either birds of prey or insects to do recon and figure out weaknesses and plans of attack. Then we pick morphs that will work well for whatever the situation is, and we go in with that morph.»

There was a moment of silence as Toby considered this. Finally, she said, “I think it would be very useful if I could morph. I could morph raptor and scout ahead, with much better vision and less chance of getting caught. I could come up with raiding strategies well in advance. If I got badly hurt, I could morph away the injuries. My parents wouldn’t have to worry so much about me going on raids.”

She looked me in the eye, her face close to mine. “You say you trust me, Tobias. Tell me this. Is it possible to give me the morphing power too?”

For a moment, I was paralyzed. I thought of everything we’d gone through with David. _We have to keep it secret,_ El thought. _We can’t let that happen again!_

_Toby deserves better than more lies,_ I thought desperately.

We were frozen too long. It was too late, and Toby was too perceptive. “It’s possible, but you’re not sure it’s a good idea,” she said flatly.

«Toby, you need to understand. If we give you the morphing power and you’re captured, the Yeerks – »

“If I’m captured, even without the power, the Earth is doomed,” said Toby. “I know your names and what you look like. They would have six morph-capable bodies. What’s a seventh next to that? The outcome is the same. I could sell you out to the Yeerks any time I like, but I haven’t. So what’s the real reason?”

I hadn’t really considered that. I wondered if Jake had. He probably wouldn’t approve of me talking about this with Toby, but for the second time that day, I let myself stop caring. «Listen. About a month ago, we gave the morphing power to a kid at our school, David. We thought it would be a good idea to have a seventh Animorph. He couldn’t handle it. Not only did he try to sell us out to the Yeerks, but he decided he could do whatever he wanted with the morphing power. He wanted to steal things. Hurt people. Hurt us.»

I faltered a little, remembering. Holding a blade to Cassie’s throat. Showing the slugs to David, pretending they were the Yeerks Controlling his parents. David’s body, sprawled grotesquely on the warehouse floor. I hadn’t seen Rachel kill him. I was so glad I hadn’t. It was bad enough as it was. “He nearly killed most of us. All of us except Cassie, I think. He…” I trailed off. I was going to mention what David had done to Marco, but I wasn’t sure I could make Toby, who didn’t have a dæmon, understand how terrible that was.

“So what did you do?” said Toby.

I hunched in on myself. «We killed him. We had no choice.»

Toby considered this in a heavy silence that threatened to crush me. “Did you trust this David, when you gave him the morphing power?”

«Not really,» I said. «That’s not why we gave it to him. We did it because otherwise the Yeerks would have gotten him. And also because we wanted to hope, I guess. If it worked out with David, then we could recruit more Animorphs. Then maybe we’d have a real chance.»

“So you didn’t trust him, and he betrayed you,” Toby said. “Maybe your other friends don’t know me well, but you and Ax do. Do you trust that I’ll use the morphing power for good?”

«Yes,» I said, without hesitation. «And I bet if I pushed him, Ax would say the same.»

“So will you help me? Can you convince Jake to let me use the morphing technology?”

This time I did hesitate. I’d never really defied Jake before, like Cassie and Ax had. Maybe it sounds pathetic, but I didn’t want to disappoint him. 

_This is the right thing to do,_ El said. _Besides, if we can convince Jake to give Toby the morphing power, it could get him used to letting in outsiders more. Maybe we can also convince him that telling Loren our secrets was the right decision._

I felt bad about El’s calculation, but then, I really did believe in Toby. And what she’d said about her parents worrying about her when she went on raids stuck stuck with me. I imagined Toby staggering back to the valley, bleeding from a dozen wounds, her parents holding her and able to do nothing. 

So I said, “OK, Toby. I’ll do whatever I can.”


	4. Chapter 4

I was circling over the meadow for the forty-seventh time when I saw a raptor with a telltale flash of rust red at the tail. 

My bird’s heart leapt with joy, though a pang of fear lingered. My _shorm_ may have been taken, especially since he had been gone so long. But then, if he had been taken, it would likely have been Bug fighters coming to the meadow, rather than Tobias alone.

So I allowed myself to believe. After all, if Tobias had been taken, all hope was lost no matter what I said or did. «Tobias, my friend! It is a relief to see you well. What delayed you so long?»

There was guilt in Tobias’ voice when he said, «Oh. Right. Don’t worry, nothing went wrong, I just decided to pay Toby a visit afterward. I fooled Visser Three, just like we planned. He said I was “crippled trash.” Useless to them.»

«You should have come and told me first,» I admonished him, as I landed under the shelter of trees to demorph. «I have been concerned for your welfare.»

«Thanks, Ax,» Tobias said, taking a perch above me, «but there’s no need. Listen, Toby and I talked, and she made a request. She’d like us to give her the morphing power.»

«You told her that we have the Escafil Device?» I cried. 

«I didn’t tell her exactly how the morphing power’s given,» Tobias said. «Anyway, she’s the one who brought it up. She asked if we could give it to her, and I thought about it and thought maybe we could. It’s not like she wants to become an Animorph or anything. It’s just common sense. Toby is the leader of her people. She’s their guide. They’re going to need her, to survive. If she gets hurt, it’s not like we have any Hork-Bajir doctors who can operate on her. With the morphing power, she can heal any damage.»

Now fully Andalite, I paced back and forth beneath Tobias’ tree. Every instinct in my mind blared alarm. I had already broken the law of Seerow’s Kindness. I could only imagine the reaction of the Andalite military if we gave the power to morph to a Hork-Bajir. «And if she decides she can use it to strike a bargain with Visser Three for the safety of her people?» I said.

«Visser Three would never make that deal in good faith and she knows it,» Tobias said. «Didn’t you just tell me a few days ago that you respect her?»

«I do, but we cannot take so great a risk! What if a Controller saw her morph? She would immediately become a most valuable potential host. They would never stop pursuing her.»

«Do you think the Yeerks are just sitting around with their thumbs up their butts right now? I’m sure they’d love to know where these free Hork-Bajir raiders are coming from. They’re probably looking for them all over as it is. It wouldn’t put the Hork-Bajir at any more risk than they already are.» Tobias tilted his head at me. «Anyway, that’s not the real reason you don’t want to give her the morphing power, is it?»

Stiffly, I said, «Surely the possibility of a repeat of our recent ordeal has occurred to you as well.»

«Yeah. It has. But you of all people should see why this situation is different. You said it when we voted on whether to give David the power or not. You said that guerrilla bands are dependent on total trust among its members. Well, you were right. So do you trust Toby, or not?»

«She is an eight month old Hork-Bajir,» I said.

«And what did you think of us, when you first met us? Four kids and a _nothlit_ bird?»

I averted all but one of my eyes. Tobias knew very well how I little I’d trusted them at first. That had been a mistake.

At length, I said softly, «You must understand the cause for my caution. I thought David had killed you, Tobias. I could not bear to experience that pain again.»

Tobias stared at me a long time. Then he said, «I understand, Ax-man. I’m going to go hunt, then call a meeting in the barn. Take some time to think about it, OK? And put aside your prejudices. If you can.»

Before I had time to answer, he flew away.

* * *

It didn’t take much time to mop up the rest of the Yeerk facility after our raid with the Hork-Bajir. It was kind of tense, since we all knew Tobias was stuck in a Controller lawyer’s office with Visser Three while we were doing it, but while I felt bad for him, I wasn’t too worried about it. It wasn’t so long ago that I would have laughed at the idea of Tobias doing a convincing tough street kid act, but now, it felt like one of the least risky gambles we’d taken with our lives.

So, after a job well done, I was just a little cranky to be woken up from a much-needed Saturday afternoon nap.

“Marco!” my dad yelled. “It’s Jake on the phone!”

Dia, monkey-formed, picked up the cordless phone from my night table and held it to my ear. “What’s up?” I said blearily.

“Hey,” said Jake. “Do you want to hang out in an hour? Just to chill. You can bring your homework if you want.”

‘Bring your homework’ meant that it wasn’t an urgent meeting. I didn’t have to steel myself for yet another battle. We would all do our homework together before and after the meeting. It helped keep our grades high enough that our parents wouldn’t ground us.

“Sure,” I said. “See ya.” Dia hung up the call and put the phone back in its cradle.

I yawned, rolled out of bed, and chucked my geometry textbook and a notebook in my backpack. I had a test on Wednesday, and Ax wasn’t a bad teacher if you could get him to stop bragging about how superior Andalite education was every few minutes. Dia rode on my shoulder as a thorny devil, a green and brown lizard covered in spikes that made her impossible to touch. I didn’t mind. Dia and I don’t need to be cuddly with each other. I waved to my dad as I walked out the door.

Sure enough, Cassie was waiting in the barn, sitting on a hay bale with _Romeo and Juliet_ open on her lap, Quincy in his now-usual spot on her shoulder, bat wings furled. 

I started talking before she even had time to look up. Cassie was giving me too many pitying looks since what happened with David. “Star-crossed lovers, huh?” I put on a falsetto. “Jakey-o, Jakey-o, wherefore art thou Jakey-o?”

Dia said, “Quincy, you can pretend to be Lucian, swooning on the balcony railing. You’re not exactly a dove, but I’m sure you can do a great impression.”

“It’s not about star-crossed love,” Cassie said, not missing a beat. “Not really. It’s about dumb kids who get caught in the middle of a war. You might like it, Marco.”

Rachel showed up next. “You don’t have to read that far,” she said, seeing Cassie’s place in the play. “I had that quiz on Friday. It was only up to Act II.”

“That’s because you have Ms. Gwon for English,” said Cassie. “Mr. Feyroyan takes us faster through the books, so we can have more discussion at the end.”

Rachel settled on a hay bale with enough room next to it for Abineng to stand. Now that I’ve gotten used to his settled form, I find it… fitting, more so than I ever thought anything but a predator could be. He’s beautiful, dignified, and his horns are sharp. 

“I’m happy I have Ms. Gwon,” I said. “I’ve heard Mr. Feyroyan is like the drill sergeant of teenage-appropriate literature.”

«Mr. Feyroyan is great,» said Tobias, coming in to perch in the rafters. «He’s been my inspiration for how to teach Toby. Ax, it’s all clear, you can demorph now.»

Behind one of the stall doors, I saw something blue emerge. It was only just noticeable, so we’d be able to distract Cassie’s parents for long enough for him to bail if they came in.

“How did you get back there, Ax?” I said.

«I came in mouse morph. Tobias guided me to a suitable hiding place.»

“You came in with Tobias as a mouse?” I said. “Didn’t you worry he might get hungry and forget which mouse was you?”

«Tobias had just hunted,» said Ax, «and besides, he would never eat me. I would immediately complain if he were to seize me in his talons.»

“Did he just make a joke?” I asked the barn at large.

«Did I?» Ax echoed. 

«He’s been doing that a lot lately,» Tobias said. «I don’t think it’s on purpose, but maybe he’s a comic genius and just plays dumb to throw us off.»

«I do not “play dumb,”» Ax sniffed.

“By the way, Tobias,” Cassie said. “Happy birthday.”

Tobias turned to preen his wing feathers. «Uh, thanks.»

“We should sing!” I said. “Does Ax know the Happy Birthday song?”

There was a crunch of gravel outside as Jake came up on his bicycle. Then he came in, Merl in pony form beside him, his hair and her mane ruffled from the wind as he rode. He slung his backpack on the ground. 

Ax emerged from the stall in human morph. “I do not,” he said, “but I would like to learn it. Is it a ritual associated with one’s day of birth? Rich-yew-ull?”

“Yes,” said Cassie. “Usually there’s a cake, with candles burning, and at the end of the song the birthday boy blows out the candles and makes a wish.”

“Well, if so, we should not perform the rich-yew-ull without the cake. Kuh,” Ax said. “After this meeting, we will go and purchase a cake, cake-kuh, and candles for Tobias.”

“I’ll chip in,” said Jake.

“Me too,” said Rachel.

_I didn’t mean for this to go so far_ , I thought.

_Be nice for once,_ Dia scolded me. _The kid’s probably never had a birthday party in his life._

“But first tell us what you’ve got for us,” Jake said, looking up at the rafters, where Tobias was determinedly preening his feathers. He always does that when he’s embarrassed. 

Dia became a crow and perched on my head, eyes fixed on Tobias. I couldn’t blame her for being interested. I had known all along that the lawyer was a trap, but I did wonder a little what kind of trap it was – and why Visser Three had become so interested in Tobias.

«So I was talking to Toby earlier today, and – »

“Wait up. We’re here to talk about Toby?” I said. “What about Visser Three and the ‘last statement’ you were supposed to hear? I’m guessing from the fact we’re not getting dragged into the Yeerk pool right now that you pulled it off.”

«It was fine,» said Tobias. «I played it cool. They didn’t even try to capture me. So I left and went to visit Toby.»

OK, fine. I can understand not wanting to talk about stuff. We were moving on.

«She was saying that she learned a lot about strategy from watching us plan our part in the mission, and she has ideas to improve their raids in the future. So she wanted know if we could help her with that by giving her the morphing power.»

“Excuse me?” I said. “When did you give her the idea that we’re giving it out like glow sticks at a dance party?”

I looked around. Jake and Rachel looked surprised, but Cassie looked thoughtful. Inwardly, I groaned. Of course Cassie would seriously consider this. She thinks her friend Aftran can get Yeerks to stop invading by asking nicely.

«I didn’t,» Tobias said stiffly. «She came up with the idea herself. I didn’t make her any guarantees, but I told her I’d argue her case. I think it would really help her free more Hork-Bajir, and keep her safe besides. If she dies, it would be a huge blow to her people. Morphing would heal her from almost anything that might hurt her.»

Merl became a cactus wren and perched up in the rafters near Tobias. Jake said, “You told her about the blue box?” 

«No. But she asked, and I couldn’t lie to her and say we couldn’t give her the morphing power. She’s my student. I just… couldn’t.»

I rolled my eyes. I managed to lie to my dad practically every day to keep the war secret, and Tobias couldn’t keep his mouth shut around his favorite Hork-Bajir?

“Tobias, don’t tell Toby anything she doesn’t need to know, not without asking me first. I know you like her, but secrets are all we have,” Jake said. “She wanted it only for her? Not for any of her people?”

«That’s right. She knows her people are… not really up to it.»

“Where would she get the morphs from?” Cassie said. “It’s too risky to bring her here, much less to the Gardens.”

«She doesn’t need a battle morph any more than Ax does,» said Tobias. «She really just needs an insect morph and a raptor morph, so she can scout out locations for her raids and get out of a bad situation fast. It’s easy to get her a cockroach or a fly, and I can be her raptor morph.»

“And what happens if she goes rogue?” Rachel said quietly. “What do we do then?”

Dia gave a caw, then became a komodo dragon at my side, snarling. “Thank you!” I exploded. “None of us have short-term memory problems, OK? Let’s really think about this. Toby obviously doesn’t see Jake as her leader. She can go off and do whatever she wants with the morphing power. We can’t take it back. What if she decides we don’t let her in on enough of our decisions and comes here in insect morph to spy on us? What if she decides to take the blue box and use it for her own purposes? What if she just _totally loses it_ like David?”

«Toby would never do any of that,» Tobias said. «Has she ever made any demands of us? Only this one time with Bek, and that was something that affected our safety too. Toby isn’t a stranger like David. She’s proven herself already.»

“Besides,” said Jake, speaking for the first time, “she can’t do as much damage as David. She can’t demorph anywhere near humans. And Cassie is right – she’ll have limited access to morphs.”

“But if she does go rogue,” I insisted, “and we have to kill her, how will the free Hork-Bajir react? If they figured out that we killed her, they’d turn on us in a second.”

“Toby knows that,” Cassie murmured. “She knows what would happen to her people if she were lost. David had nothing to lose. Toby has everything to lose.”

«Exactly,» said Tobias, throwing me a glare.

“Let’s vote,” said Jake. Merl flew down from the rafters to perch on his shoulder. “Tobias, I’ll put you down in favor, and Marco against. Right?”

Tobias and I nodded.

“Cassie?” Jake said.

“For,” she said. “I think Toby is responsible enough to use the power. We saw that today.”

“Rachel?”

“Against,” she said. “If it turns out she’s not as responsible as we think…” She didn’t have to finish the sentence. She was the one to kill David, and if we had another rogue Animorph on our hands, she would probably have to do it again. I wish that weren’t her job, but at the same time, I’m glad it isn’t me.

Jake turned around to face Ax. Jake always asks him for a vote, even though he always wants to abstain. “Ax?”

“I am in favor,” said Ax. “Faaay-vur.”

I nearly fell off my hay bale. Merl gave a little chirp of surprise and became a sand fox on the barn floor, her ears pricked forward.

“Toby and her raiders are a guerrilla force in their own right,” said Ax. “Unlike our own group, her force increases in number with every raid. Toby is a skilled general. This skill is not unexpected, of course, as I have tutored her in strategy and tactics. She has freed many valuable Hork-Bajir hosts, and keeps steady even in the chaos of battle. She provides another front in our war against the Yeerks, a distraction from our own operations. Giving her the morphing power will allow her to continue these efforts more effectively, and protect a valuable ally. This decision is far more strategically sound than our desperate bid to spare David life as a Controller.”

I raised my eyebrows, and finally said what everyone must have been thinking. “You want to give your precious Andalite morphing technology to an inferior Hork-Bajir? Without even a single snide comment about their intelligence?”

“I broke the law of Seerow’s Kindness because I decided that you are worthy of my trust, regardless of species. Sp-sp-species. The same applies in this situation.”

Well. Even I had nothing to say to that.

“Then I vote with you, Ax,” said Jake, smirking a little at the reversal in their positions. “We’ll go to the valley tomorrow after school with the blue box.” 

“Fine,” I grouched. “But can we ask her a few questions first? Just to make sure?”

«Elfangor didn’t make us answer questions before giving us the power,» Tobias said.

“Elfangor wasn’t spoiled for choice,” I said. “He either got lucky or unlucky with us. Take your pick.”

«Lucky, I think,» Tobias said. «Maybe even with you, Marco.»

“Yes, Marco, we’ll ask some questions first,” said Jake. “But right now, let’s go celebrate Tobias’ birthday.”

“Can we do homework after?” I said, thinking with dread of my geometry test.

«Sure,» said Tobias, «if Cassie lets me read _Romeo and Juliet_ over her shoulder.»

“Deal,” said Cassie. She went in the house to get birthday candles, a lighter, and a picnic blanket. Then we headed out to Carvel to get ice cream cake. 

We spread out the picnic blanket in a park near the Carvel. Cassie taught Ax the birthday song. She had a surprisingly good singing voice. Ax, unsurprisingly, was awful. Rachel lit the candles. We sang mostly off-key, and El ducked her head under her wing in embarrassment, but there was something resembling a smile on Tobias’ face when he blew out the candles.

“What was your wish, Tobias?” Ax asked.

“If he tells anyone, it won’t come true,” Rachel explained.

“Ah. A secret wish. Those are the most sacred of all,” Ax said.

Tobias cut a slice of cake for Ax, and actually did smile, for the first time I can remember. 

* * *

My name is Toby.

Tobias has told me that I should keep a personal journal, not just notes on how many free Hork-Bajir there are and how much food and water we need. He says it’s too easy, when you’re fighting a war, to think only of the war and forget what’s important. 

I never really understood that until now. I feel the need to write down what happened today, so I never forget a single detail.

Tobias came to the valley today, to give me the day’s lesson, he said. We discussed a short story I had read called “Nightfall.” I found the story interesting, because it depicted a civilization profoundly shaped by the cycle of its six suns. It made me think about how my people had been genetically engineered to suit our planet, and how our culture was affected by our planet, not simply our bodies. I wondered how my people might be different, now, for living on Earth, simply because of the differences in the landscape and the turn of the seasons. 

But I think I might be giving myself too much credit. I wasn’t a very good student today, because I spent a lot of the time thirsting to know whether Tobias had asked Jake whether I could have the morphing power, and if so, what his response had been. 

I wasn’t optimistic. Tobias has told his friends the story of my ancestors, and our operations yesterday had greatly increased their respect for my people and me. But I could also plainly see that their group was very tight-knit, and all the more wary of outsiders since their disastrous attempt to add a new Animorph to their number. 

But when Tobias finally put me out of my misery and told me, he said that Jake and the others were coming by with the Escafil Device, which would give me the power to morph. They would have questions for me, he said, but I was ready to answer them. It was more than I’d expected to get.

One by one, birds of prey cocooned in _hrala_ landed in the valley and demorphed. Morphing is a disgusting process, and I wasn’t particularly looking forward to it, but there is something fascinating about watching the transition from animal to human form. You can see the _hrala_ around them come together and congeal into the forms of their dæmons.

The last to arrive was a bald eagle, laboring to carry a blue box. The display the _hrala_ made around her was most spectacular, as Abineng’s form is large. A tornado of _hrala_ swirled beside Rachel, then resolved into a black-and-white striped antelope with long horns.

Then, I looked again at the blue box at Rachel’s feet. I said, “ _That_ is the Escafil Device?”

«What did you expect it to look like?» Tobias said.

“It’s so powerful,” I said. “A greater weapon than any Dracon beam. I thought it would be… more impressive.”

«The Escafil Device’s compact size and shape is one of its most useful features,» Ax said, as his stalk eyes emerged from his harrier skull. «Andalites are renowned for efficient and elegant design.»

«Still. I think Toby’s disappointed,» Tobias teased.

“I am, a little bit. You’re going to have to work harder to impress me in the future.”

“We will have to do better,” jake said, morphing away the last of his feathers. His dæmon was a fox the color of sand. “You saved our butts yesterday.”

“I was only joking,” I said. “I really was impressed, even though we had to come to your rescue.”

Jake picked up the blue box, and his face became solemn as he regarded it for a moment. “Tobias says you want the morphing power. Why?”

“I don’t really _want_ it,” I said. “To be honest, I’m terrified by it. But I think I could be a better leader to my people if I had it. I could protect them to the best of my ability. Isn’t that why you chose to take the morphing power?”

I am no judge of human facial expressions, but I got the feeling they were surprised by my question. None of them answered.

“How do you plan to keep this secret?” the human called Marco said. Tobias has always spoken of him as a silly joker, but so far he has struck me as rude, suspicious, and cunning. “Will you tell the other Hork-Bajir you can morph now?”

“I must,” I said, surprised and a little offended by the question. “I don’t want my people to be taken by surprise if I must morph in a battle. They will need to know why I am able to take more risks with my life. Besides, they don’t accept every word as I say as dogma. If I scout a Yeerk location and report the information, they will ask how I know. I can’t keep up the pretense that I get all this information from you. But I will keep the secret from the Yeerks for as long as I can. The element of surprise will be valuable.”

“And if one of them is captured?” Marco pressed.

“Then there will be more dire secrets than that of _my_ ability to morph at stake,” I said.

A grim silence followed that statement. I relished it. If nothing else, the risk of revealing their secret will make them fight tooth and claw to defend my people, if they come under full-scale attack. Tobias is my ally, but it’s good to have that insurance against their good behavior. 

“And what do you think the dangers are?” Jake said.

I very pointedly did not look at Tobias. “I know the rule. Never stay in morph for more than two hours.”

“That’s not the only danger,” Jake said.

I thought for a moment. “You’re vulnerable when you’re morphing, aren’t you? So don’t be exposed while morphing. And realize that it’s not the solution to every problem.”

“That’s about as much as you can understand before you try it yourself,” Jake said. “Do you have any questions for us before we do this?”

I had a lot of questions. I was scared. But I didn’t really trust any of them except Tobias, and maybe Ax a little, so I didn’t want to show it. “No. I’m ready if you are.”

I could feel the Animorphs’ eyes on me. I am no judge of human facial expressions, or of their dæmons’ expressions for that matter, so I had no idea what they felt. Jake nodded. “All right,” he said. “Go forth and kick Yeerk butt.”

That earned quiet laughter from the other Animorphs. “What do I do?” I said. I wondered if it would hurt.

“Put your hand to the side of the box and concentrate on it,” Jake said.

I raised my hand and pressed it to the side of the box facing me. My hand engulfed half the box, my nails curving around to the opposite face. It was such a small thing. I stared into its gentle blue light, and watched the _hrala_ dance over it in a faint sparkle. A tingle started in my palm, traveling up my arm. I whispered, “I feel it.”

“I know what you mean,” said Jake. “You can let go now.”

I pulled my hand away. It felt like I woke from a trance. “That’s it?” I whispered. “I can morph now?”

Tobias fluttered down from his perch and landed on my arm. «Yes. And I will be your first morph. Focus on me, like you did on the blue box.»

That was easy enough. I’ve spent enough time watching Tobias. I thought of his intense yellow stare, and the way he tilts his head when he asks a question, and the powerful strokes of the wings he so loves. As I focused, I noticed, vaguely, that his head had drooped forward a little, like he was drowsy. Soon he shook out of it.

«That was the acquiring trance,» he said. «Every animal whose DNA you acquire gets all fuzzy like that.»

“So, I did it?” I’d thought there must be some great trick to it.

«You have my DNA floating around in your blood now,» said Tobias. «Creepy, isn’t it?»

But it wasn’t creepy at all. It felt right. After all, I bear the DNA signature of my mother and father. I ought to have a biological marker, too, of the one person besides my parents who shaped me the most. I wondered what it would be like, to become a hawk like Tobias. To truly know what it was like to see the world through his eyes, to fly the sky on his wings.

I looked around. It was as if the world had gotten bigger, somehow. But that wasn’t it. I had gotten smaller.

«Good job, Toby!» said Tobias. «Keep thinking about changing into me. Imagine what it’s like, and it’ll happen.»

I was truly scared now, but all the Animorphs were watching. I had to be brave. I focused on Tobias, on his feathers and the _hrala_ that flowed along their edges, and thought about how much I wanted to take on his shape.

The blades on my body softened like wax and melted into my skin. I felt the loss of them keenly. Then all but one of my hearts stopped beating, my internal organs went liquid, and I forgot about that completely. I am embarrassed to admit, even in this journal, that I screamed.

“It’s OK,” said Jake quietly. “Everyone freaks out the first time. Just ride it out.”

It took me a moment to focus my attention on Tobias again. The world grew huge as I shrank, and I managed not to scream again even as my bones snapped and popped and rearranged themselves. None of it was painful, but it felt like it should be, and the lack of pain was itself unsettling. 

Then, it happened. My vision shifted.

How could I explain to any Hork-Bajir what it is like to lose the _hrala_ sense? I can only try my best. It was as if the rhythm of the universe had stopped. Everything was so _still._ All that moved in my sight was the tree branches, rustling, the grass, shifting with hidden mice, and the chests of the Animorphs, rising and falling. Yet even though they moved, everything seemed dead, because I couldn’t see the life beat of _hrala_ pulsing through it all.

«Tobias,» I said, my words emerging as the mind-voice he and Ax use to speak. Feathers broke out all over my body. «You’re practically _blind._ »

« _What_?» said Tobias.

“ _What?_ ” said the human Animorphs.

«Sure, these eyes can see many fine details,» I said, shrinking still more. «But they miss everything important. You told me that only Hork-Bajir can see _hrala_ , Tobias, but I never realized how dim the world is without it.»

“We get by just fine without seeing _hrala_ ,” Rachel said defensively.

«Be quiet,» I said cheerfully, as my chest muscles thickened into the powerful muscles needed for flight. «You all pity my people because most of us are simple in your eyes. But it is _we_ who should pity _you._ You are so limited in your understanding.»

That was when my physical morph completed, and the mind of the hawk made itself known. 

The hawk was on the ground, and surrounded. He wanted to fly, where he wouldn’t be so vulnerable. And so, without taking a moment to wonder whether I knew how or not, I flew.

Getting off the ground was the hardest part. My chest muscles burned with the effort. But then I got above the trees, and the wind caught my wings, and it was so gloriously _easy_.

The hawk mind gave me no trouble after that, because our goal was one and the same. We wanted to fly. Now, I have no trouble understanding why Tobias considers this a fair repayment for what he lost when he became trapped as a hawk. It was the ultimate rush of freedom. The mountains unfolded below me, my valley home just one pocket between them. I felt like I could go anywhere, and see everything.

But I could see nothing. Not really. If only I could see the grand currents of _hrala_ from so high! It would have made a magnificent tableau, a glimpse of the grand pattern that connected all the _hrala_ of the Earth. But I could see none of that. Only the figures of my people swinging through the trees far below, and Tobias rising to join me in the air.

«It’s wonderful, isn’t it?» he said.

«Like nothing I’ve felt before,» I said. «It… puts everything in perspective. The hope for the future of my species, all contained in that one small valley.»

«It’s beautiful,» Tobias said. «A birthplace.»

Some wild song in my heart urged me to fly and fly, just to see how fast I could go, so I did. Tobias easily kept pace with me. The ground raced below us at a pace I could scarcely believe. I said, «You’ll have to teach me all about how to use the morphing power to my best advantage.»

«I can teach you how to use the hawk morph to your best advantage. Look, instead of flapping your wings, ride the thermals. These columns of hot air you get. See?» He rose up and up without flapping his wings, and I let myself be carried aloft in another thermal. «But really you should ask Ax. He knows a lot more about the morphing technology than me, and I spent a lot of this war not able to morph at all.»

I hesitated. I had avoided Ax’s eyes all through the strange solemn ceremony I’d just been through, dreading his reaction to my request for his precious Andalite morphing technology. «Are you sure he’ll be willing to teach me?»

Tobias’ voice went soft. «Toby, we took a vote on whether to give you the morphing power. It was his vote that decided it. He spoke for you. He said that you’re a great general in your own right, and we should trust you.»

Up until then, I’d never wanted to admit how much I looked up to Ax. How could I, when he so clearly didn’t respect me on the same level he did the humans? But Ax has taught me so much, and most of all, he understands what it was like to be an alien. He will still look down on my people, and that will still hurt. But I am happy to count Ax as my ally, in a way that I begrudge the other Animorphs, besides Tobias.

«Thank you for giving me your DNA, Tobias,» I said. «I hope I will put it to good use.»


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: this story is not intended to reflect the beliefs of the author, or advance a particular religious or spiritual viewpoint. I'm just trying to honestly represent a character who is implied in canon to be a person of faith.

Tobias came on Friday, as planned, but this time he knocked first.

No, not with his knuckles on the door, as everyone else does. He rapped on my bedroom window with his beak, as I changed clothes with the curtains shut. At first I thought it was just a bird that had hit itself on my window, not realizing it was glass. Then I heard his strange mind-voice he used in morph: «It’s me. Tobias. I’m at the window in hawk morph. Can you let me in?»

“Give her a minute,” said Jaxom, poking his head around the curtain to speak to him. I fumbled my way through the last few buttons on my shirt, then opened the curtains and the window. Tobias fluttered in and perched on top of my dresser. His vague shape looked odd there. 

«You can leave while I morph,» said Tobias, awkwardly. «I know it’s strange to watch.»

“I can’t see it all that well anyway,” I said. “Go ahead.”

The truth was, I did want to watch, as much as Jax could. I wanted to understand this gift – no, this curse – this power my forgotten lover had given our son.

He glided down to my bedroom floor, then started to get bigger. He was bigger than Jaxom before other things started changing. Jax couldn’t make them out very well, but his outline grew softer, not like the hawk’s sharp angles. I could hear the grinding of bone against bone. The outlines of human limbs took shape. Elhariel appeared beside him on the floor. Tobias took up Elhariel and settled her on his shoulder, bringing himself upright. 

“Thanks for coming,” I said, trying not to let his strange entrance faze me. “Come to the sitting room.”

I led him to my little sitting room, directing him to an armchair that was angled away from the window, where no one on the street would be able to see his face. Before I sat down, I said, “Would you like anything? Juice? A snack?”

Tobias shook his head. “I’m fine.” 

He didn’t seem thin or malnourished, as far as I could tell. My siblings had done him that much good, at least. I sat in the loveseat, Jax curled up on the cushion beside me. 

I wasn’t sure what to talk about, so Jax said, “I haven’t seen you change, Elhariel. When did you settle? And what type of bird are you?”

“I’m a European storm-petrel,” she said. “I settled a year ago.”

“Was that before…”

“Yeah. Before. We… grew up quickly, I guess.”

“Well, it’s a nice form. What did Elfangor think?”

“He – he touched me.” Elhariel shifted a little on Tobias. “He didn’t grab me. It wasn’t bad. It felt like something he had to do before he died. There was this connection between us. Somehow, when he touched me, I knew things. Images, information. He passed it on. I think he knew who we were.”

“But he didn’t say anything,” Jax said.

“No,” said Elhariel. “I’m not sure we’d have believed him if he had. But maybe we would have. Who knows.”

“He should have told you,” Jax said. “It was your only chance to speak to each other.”

“I knew there was a connection between us. I just wasn’t sure what it was. I knew I’d do anything for him.”

It seemed to me that Tobias and Elhariel had had no reason to trust him, even if he had singled Elhariel out for special attention. But then, maybe Elfangor was one of only a few adults who had ever given them responsibility and respect. “Was it a coincidence? Did you just happen to walk past his spaceship? Or did he seek you out?” I asked.

Tobias shrugged. “I just happened to tag along with a group of other kids to take the shortcut from the mall through the old construction site. And when we passed through, Elfangor’s ship crash-landed. Looks like coincidence, but with the Ellimist, there are no coincidences.”

“The Ellimist. That’s the person who convinced Elfangor to leave us, and who may have taken away my memories.”

“I don’t think he – it – they are a person. Like I said, they’re beings so huge they must be from some higher dimension or something. They always say they don’t interfere with other species, but that’s a crock. They claim to want to help us, but we don’t really know what they want. All I know is that they’re powerful. Really powerful. Like the only reason they don’t destroy the galaxy and everything in it is because they don’t want to. So what happened in the construction site – an Ellimist could have made it happen.”

“Maybe that’s how he had a dæmon,” Elhariel murmured, more for Tobias than Jax or me. “The Ellimist gave him one… but why, if what he wanted was for Elfangor to fight in the war?”

Jax went rigid, ears tucked back against his skull. “What do mean, an Ellimist gave him a dæmon?”

“Well, he mentioned in the letter that he had a dæmon named Hala Fala, and Andalites don’t have dæmons, not even when they morph human.”

Jax recoiled against me. I opened and closed my mouth a few times before saying, “You mean Elfangor didn’t have a dæmon before he became human?”

“I’m sorry,” said Tobias, chagrined. “I’m used to this by now. I forgot how strange it was to talk to Elfangor and realize he had no dæmon.”

“The aliens in TV and books all have dæmons,” I said, shakily.

“Not all. The buggers in Ender’s Game don’t have any. That’s why the humans in the book think they’re just monsters.” Tobias laughed at himself, wryly. “Sorry I’m such a nerd. It’s hard not to take science fiction seriously, with the life I have.”

The corner of my mouth turned up. “It’s OK. When I was learning how to read Braille, I went through a lot of kid’s fantasy books. _James and the Giant Peach_ , that kind of thing.”

“I liked that book too,” Tobias said, a little wistfully. I thought about the book, and felt a stab of guilt. James had escaped into the giant peach to get away from his cruel aunts, who raised him after his parents left him an orphan. “Anyway,” he went on, “humans are the only ones who have dæmons, as far as any of us know. But that doesn’t mean aliens can’t think and feel like we do. It’s just different for them.” 

I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to talk to someone without a dæmon. Maybe I should wait a little longer to talk to Elfangor’s brother, until I got used to the idea. I didn’t want to meet him and run straight away in a panic. 

_But then, Tobias didn’t panic when he met Elfangor, and he’d had no warning,_ Jax thought.

_I think Tobias might be a little more open-minded than we are,_ I thought faintly.

“But Elfangor had one,” said Jax, slow and considering. “Hala Fala. Do you know what form she took?”

“No,” said El, her head drooping visibly, even to Jax.

A fragment of a dream floated though my mind: a handsome man with dark slanting eyes, an insect lanyard around his neck. That had to be Elfangor. I had never remembered anything about Zachary, and anyway, I could see similarities between him and Tobias, however vague. “He had an insect dæmon,” I said slowly. “I remember that. Nothing more specific. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” said Tobias quickly. “I – I’m grateful. For anything.”

“I can tell you a little more than that, then,” I said. “I remember vaguely what he looked like. A sharp face, brown hair, dark eyes just like yours – I think he may have been part Asian.”

“Oh,” said Tobias, and that one syllable was full of surprise, and hunger, like he’d gotten a taste of something he’d never expected, and wouldn’t be sated until he had a full meal of it. 

“I’d try to draw his face, but…” I shrugged. It was impossible. I could write well enough for other people to read, but only barely. Drawing was definitely beyond me. “What did he look like as an Andalite?”

“Andalites look a little like centaurs,” Tobias said. “Four legs ending in split hooves, two arms and hands with seven fingers each, four eyes with two of them on stalks, and a tail. A long powerful tail ending in a blade, like a knife at the end of a bullwhip. Blue fur, but you already know that.”

It was a bizarre description, but I could easily picture it in my mind. A graceful blue alien, with no dæmon in sight. “And Elfangor?”

“He was big. At least seven feet tall. Powerful, but in a kind of lean way. And his eyes. I’ll never forget his eyes. They were green, so bright they almost glittered, even though it was dark. The only light came from inside his spaceship, and the stars…” Tobias started a little. “I just remembered something. Jake went into his spaceship to get the blue box, and he said there was a picture of an Andalite family. He asked Elfangor if it was his family, and he said yes. I guess he must have started a family with another Andalite, after he rejoined the war. I can’t believe I never asked Ax about that.”

That gave me a pang of jealousy, against all sense. I wondered if Elfangor’s Andalite wife and children were out there somewhere. Elfangor was dead, but at least his Andalite wife would remember him. She would know what she had lost.

“What did he sound like?” I said. “Not sound, but you know what I mean.”

“Not like any other Andalite I’ve met, and I’ve met a handful by now. Other Andalites, their thought-speak sounds like mine, just words. Well, not exactly words, but meaning, you know? But he could express more than that. He made us feel what he felt. He sent emotions, too, and images. Before he died, he gave us courage. He knew what was going to happen, but he knew we were scared, so he gave us his courage. I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason we didn’t run away screaming and get caught by the Yeerks right away.”

It was the first time I’d heard such intense emotion from him. His voice shook as he spoke of Elfangor’s last moments. I was glad he had such powerful memories of his father – it was more than I had – but at the same time, it frustrated me. Somehow, he had convinced a group of frightened children to become a guerrilla resistance force in an interplanetary war, and make them think he was a hero for doing it. 

“You’ve never said how many of you there are,” I said quietly. “Have any of you been caught or killed by the Yeerks?”

“We call ourselves Animorphs. There are six of us. Me and four others who walked through the construction site, and Ax, Elfangor’s brother, who we found later.” He added, defiantly, “None of us have been killed or captured. Well, Jake and Cassie both were for a little while, but we killed Jake’s Yeerk, and Cassie convinced her Yeerk to stop infesting people.”

My good impression of Cassie from Mike’s Dæmon Defense was reinforced by this remark. “If they can be convinced, why don’t you do that instead of killing them?” 

“It’s not that easy. There are new people being infested or killed every day. We can’t just go up to the Vissers – that’s like generals for the Yeerks – and ask them nicely to stop. Cassie says that Aftran, the Yeerk who stopped infesting people, is trying to convince the other Yeerks, but I don’t know how successful she’s been.”

“You said you killed the Yeerk that infested Jake. How?”

“I think I already mentioned that Yeerks have to leave their hosts to feed every three days. They go to a Yeerk pool to soak up Kandrona rays, while their hosts sit in cages.” There was a hollowness to Tobias’ words, and I had the feeling that image of the hosts in their cages had been featured in his nightmares time and again. “Or worse, hang out and watch _Full House_ while the others scream. They get voluntary hosts, sometimes. Anyway. We stood guard on Jake for three days and starved out the Yeerk.”

I tried to picture it. “They control dæmons too,” I realized.

“Yeah,” said Tobias bleakly. “That Yeerk did terrible things to Jake and Merlyse. Made them stay just a little too far apart from each other, for hours…”

I shivered and pressed my face into Jax’s neck. I volunteer at my church’s crisis center, and I hear all kinds of stories. Tobias’ strange behavior for a boy his age might not be the fault of my siblings’ care so much as the effects of PTSD. Probably all of the Animorphs needed therapy, but they couldn’t share their secrets with anyone. I wondered if they would let me try. “Tell me about these Animorphs. Your friends.”

“Well, there’s Marco. He acts like the class clown, all sarcastic and annoying, but he’s actually really smart. You’ve met Cassie and Quincy.”

“Yes. Quincy recently settled as a vampire bat.” I smiled a little. “Mike and Asair had lots of ideas about what he could do in that form. Asair said his bite couldn’t do much damage, but it would sure frighten anyone he bit.”

“So you kind of know what Cassie’s like. She’s good with people. She notices things. And she tries to keep us from hurting more people than we have to. She’s also our animal expert, because of the Wildlife Rehabilitation Clinic.”

“I like her.” Even before I knew she was an Animorph, I could tell she was going through a lot in her life. Now I was starting to understand just how much. “Is her friend Rachel an Animorph too? Is that why they take self-defense classes?”

“Yes. Rachel is… she’s like fire. She never burns out, even if it’s our fourth mission that week. I mean, she’s just as tired as the rest of us, but she doesn’t let it stop her. And then there’s her cousin, Jake. He was sort of my friend even before the construction site. He stopped a bunch of bullies from pounding me. He’s like that. He just told the bullies to stop, and they did. That’s why he’s the leader of the Animorphs. He knows how to get people to listen.”

At the beginning of this speech I would have guessed Tobias had a crush on Rachel, but then I thought maybe he had a crush on Jake instead – or perhaps he just admired all the Animorphs. They’d been fighting together for more than a year, and there are no strangers or enemies in a foxhole. “The leader?” I said. “Tobias, was he the one who decided you should fight this war? Did he pressure you into accepting the morphing power?”

“No. I was the first to say we should,” Tobias said defiantly. “You don’t understand, Mom. You act like Elfangor forced us into this. He didn’t. He told us what was going on and let us decide. We could have all chosen to forget that night and never use the morphing power. All of us, for one reason or another, chose to fight.”

Mom. He had called me Mom, for the first time, in an argument to convince me I should let him fight in a guerrilla war.

_It has nothing to do with letting him,_ Jax thought darkly. _He’s not asking us for permission. But he might be asking us for forgiveness._

_I don’t know if I can,_ I thought.

“He made you feel like this was your responsibility.”

“If not ours, then whose?” said Tobias, a note of anger now stirring his voice. “What were we supposed to do, tell the police? A policeman came around the next day asking us if we had been at the construction site that night. He was a Controller trying to round up any witnesses. We can’t trust anyone unless we know for sure they’re not a Controller, and even if we do know, who will believe us?”

“You could capture a Controller cop and starve out the Yeerk, like you did with Jake,” I suggested, but even as I said it, I knew it was a long shot.

“How? We can do a lot, sure, but kidnap a cop for three days and get away with it? It would be almost impossible to kidnap them in the first place, and even if we pulled it off, our only chance would be for two of us to morph the cop and his dæmon, like Ax and I did for Jake and Merlyse. But Ax and I knew Jake pretty well, and even then his parents sent him to a shrink after. There’s no way we could convince other Controller cops we’re the real deal.” 

“So Elfangor put you in a situation where you couldn’t trust anyone.”

“Elfangor didn’t do that. The Yeerks did. He just opened our eyes to the truth, and gave us the power to do something about it, if we wanted.” More softly, he said, “Besides. There are a few people I can trust.”

And now I was his confidant. It should have been exactly what I wanted. But I only felt sad and weary. “So why did you choose to fight?”

“Huh?”

“You said Elfangor gave you a choice. Even though he didn’t give you all the information. So why did you make your choice?”

Tobias was silent for a long time. “I never felt like I had a purpose in life, before. I wanted to good for something, but no one ever… I mean, I never… anyway, when I met Elfangor, he gave me this feeling, like finally there was a reason.”

“You don’t need to have a purpose in life.” My throat was tight. I had Jax wrapped in my arms. “Tobias, you’re one of God’s creatures. You just need to _live_.”

“I feel more alive now than I ever did,” Tobias whispered. He was looking at me, and I wished more than anything I could see his expression, some other clue into his mind.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and this time it was a real effort to speak through the tightness in my throat. “I should never have let Leo and Zoë have custody of you. I can’t believe they – Tobias, you should never feel like you have to justify yourself. To anyone.”

“What about to myself?”

Now I finally understood what my siblings had made of Tobias. They made him feel like a waste of space, like nothing, like he could do anything in the world and still not deserve the air he breathed. I’ve spoken to children like that, at the crisis center. “Well, that’s the hardest thing,” I said finally. “I still can’t take you in. All I have is disability to live on. You see how much that’s worth.” I gestured around my ramshackle little house with my hand. “I can’t support you in that way. But I just need you to know. I don’t care how many times you’ve saved the world. You’re my son, and that’s enough for me. I don’t need any other reason to welcome you into my home and my life, and anything else I can give.”

“Thank you,” Tobias choked.

I gave him a minute to recover himself. I wouldn’t be able to see him cry, and if I let him be silent, I couldn’t hear it either.

“Tell me about Elfangor’s brother, your friend – what was his full name again?”

“Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill. Elfangor’s is Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul, in case you forgot.” Tobias’ voice was mostly steady now.

“Why do they have different last names?”

“Their last names may not work the same way ours do. I know for Hork-Bajir – that’s another type of alien the Yeerks enslaved – the oldest child inherits the last name of whichever of its parents is older, and any younger children get the younger parent’s last name. I guess I can ask Ax. There’s so much I never learned from him.”

“So he’s your uncle. How old is he?”

“I don’t know how Andalite years work, but he’s a teenager, like the rest of us. He’s different, though. He’s a cadet in the Andalite military. He was left behind in the big Andalite warship when all the full warriors went out to fight the Yeerks. The Yeerks shot at the warship, and Ax ended up at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. He got a message to us and we rescued him. He was surprised to find out we were human, though, and didn’t trust us right away. Not like Elfangor. Now I know why.”

“Have you told him about your father?”

“No. I’m not sure how he’ll react. He’s very proud of being an Andalite and fighting for his planet, and he thinks of Elfangor as a big hero. He won’t be happy to hear that his big brother fled the war to be a human.”

“But he’s your best friend. Won’t he be happy to find out you’re family?”

“I hope so. He’s much better than he used to be about other species, and he really is a noble person, deep down. But…” He sighed. “I understand you want to meet him, but I think we should wait longer. You see, Andalites… they like to pretend they’re the most enlightened species in the galaxy, but they aren’t. They have some really awful beliefs. And one of them is that people with, uh, handicaps, shouldn’t be seen in public. They think it’s shameful.”

Jax made an indignant noise. I clenched my hands. _Did Elfangor hold those same beliefs?_ I wondered, numbly. _He loved me once. If he could see me now, would he condemn me to a solitary, sheltered existence?_

“I know. It’s bad. I’ve been working on him, but he can be really stubborn. When I take you to meet him, I’ll tell him to behave. You’re his sister-in-law, after all, and I think that’ll mean something to him. But he’ll still probably say some terrible things, and I’m sorry about that. If you don’t want to talk to him until I’m sure he can behave himself, I can deal with that.”

I sighed heavily. “No. It’s OK. In my experience, people never change their minds until they come face to face with whatever it is they don’t understand. You’ll never really convince him, if he’s never met a disabled person. I wish I didn’t have to be the one to teach him not to be a bigot, but you and he are my only links to Elfangor left. We’re family. So I’ll put up with his crap, if you’ll excuse my language. Just not yet.”

“This war has made all of us change what we believe. I know that’s true for me, and it’s true for Ax too. I really do think he can change again, for the right reason.” Tobias’ voice roughened. “And what’s a better reason than family?”

I touched the Braille watch on my wrist. “Speaking of which,” I said. “It’s about time I made dinner. Would you like to stay?”

“What time is it?” Tobias said.

“Six.”

“OK. Let me go to the bathroom quickly and I’ll help you out in the kitchen.”

I noticed that he didn’t ask how I could cook. But then, he and his friends had been spying on me. They would have seen me in the kitchen. After he came back from the bathroom, I set Tobias to chopping vegetables. I chopped some sausage, Jax perched on a step stool to keep an eye on my fingers near the knife, and got that cooking first, listening for the hiss of the gas in the burner. Then I added the vegetables Tobias chopped to the mix, covered it all in beef broth, and let it simmer. 

Tobias was a very polite dinner guest. He mostly listened while I talked about my life, about my work at the crisis center, what I’d learned at Mike’s Dæmon Defense, my friends in the low vision support group. I noticed the way he savored the food, like each flavor overwhelmed him. My head started pounding with worry. Did my siblings ever _feed_ him? Did he have a childhood at all? What could I do?

_Loren,_ said Jax. _This isn’t a coincidence. The memories coming back, Tobias showing up out of the blue – God gave us this opportunity to get our son back. We have to take it._

So I said, “Tobias, would you like to come live with me?”

Tobias’ spoon dropped in his bowl with a little clatter. 

“I can’t give you much,” I said. “I don’t have a job. I live off disability income from the government. But I have a home, and I can make a place for you here.”

“I can’t,” Tobias said, wretchedly. 

I bowed my head. My face was hot. I couldn’t understand. Did he really think that what I had to offer was worse than what he already had? “I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “We don’t even really know each other yet. I couldn’t expect you to – “

Elhariel fluttered down and perched on Jax’s back. She rubbed her beak along his neck. 

“No,” said Tobias. “No, that’s not what I meant. I know you would do a great job. But I _can’t._ Look, I – I don’t know how to say this. Um.” He laced his fingers together in front of his mouth, muffling his speech. “Did I mention that morphing has a time limit?”

“Yes,” I said, thrown by the change of subject. “Two hours. You said that Elfangor stayed in human morph for more than two hours, so he’d be trapped that way. So he could stay with me on Earth.”

“Yeah,” said Tobias. “Well. I did the same thing.”

“No you didn’t,” I said. “I saw you morph. You’re not trapped.”

“Not exactly. I stayed past the time limit as a red-tailed hawk. For six months I was like that. My friends told Leo I was staying with Zoë. Then – “

“But where did you live? How did you eat?” I cried, interrupting him. 

“In the woods. I hunt for my food,” Tobias shrugged. “That’s what hawks do.”

If it weren’t for Elhariel rhythmically stroking Jax’s neck, I would have gone into a full-blown panic. Already I could feel the breath rasping hard in my chest. “But you’re not a hawk! You’re a boy! You’re my _son_!”

“I know,” Tobias whispered. “I know, Mom. Listen. The Ellimist gave me back the power to morph, and he let me acquire my own human DNA. But the Ellimist didn’t make me human again. I can only be human for two hours at a time. Then I have to turn back into a hawk.”

“That can’t be true,” I said, desperately. “You’ve been here for more than two hours.”

“Remember when I had to go to the bathroom? That’s when I turned back, then morphed human again. I’m sorry.”

I thought of Tobias, this quietly-spoken boy who was my own, neglected by those who should have cared for him, then living in the woods, alone, killing for every meal. Sweet Lord, he didn’t even have El to sleep beside him at night. She was nothing more than a shadow in his mind. It was more than I could bear. 

“Then do what Elfangor did!” I begged, tears streaming down my cheeks. “Morph human! Stay for more than two hours. Give up this war and live with me. I’ll be good to you, I swear. I can’t let you live like that, Tobias. _Please._ ”

“Elhariel,” Jax said quietly, turning his head around to look at her. “Don’t you want him to hold you at night?”

Elhariel leapt off Jax’s trembling back and perched on Tobias’ shoulder. He stood up. His hands were clenched at his sides, shaking.

“You still don’t understand,” he said, his voice flat and dead. “Elfangor had to make a terrible sacrifice to try to win this war. _Everyone_ who fights has to give up something. Well, this is my sacrifice. We could have a life together, Mom. But if we lose this war… there won’t be any life for us at all. So I can’t. I have to keep fighting.”

Long feathers sprouted from Tobias’ arms. For a moment, he looked like a sad angel in the lamplight. Then he shrank, and Elhariel disappeared, and in not much time I had a hawk perched on the back of my kitchen chair.

Jax stared at the hawk, more closely than he did before. This was what my son looked like. This was his life.

_No,_ Jax thought stubbornly. _No, we know what he looks like. This is a mistake. A mistake we’re going to fix, one day._

Tobias said nothing, but turned to look meaningfully at the window. For a moment, I thought about leaving it closed. Let him find his own way out. I wasn’t going to make it easier for him to fly away. 

_That is mean-spirited and pointless,_ Jax said. 

I pulled back the curtain and opened the kitchen window. “I’m sorry,” I blurted out, as Tobias fluttered to the sill. “You’re doing this for me too. You don’t want the Yeerks to take me. Thank you.”

Wordlessly, my son glided out into the night.

I loaded the dishwasher in a numb haze. I had made a terrible mistake. He had just told me that he had made a choice to fight this war, because he thought it was the right thing, and I’d asked him to throw it all away for my sake. Just as I would have asked Elfangor to do, if I’d gotten the chance.

“Broken Man,” I said suddenly, remembering the grizzled man from my dreams, who was always far away behind his eyes, never quite present. “They told us our father fought in Vietnam.”

“Yes,” said Jax, in a flash of understanding. “That’s who Broken Man is. Why didn’t we see it before?”

“Because we don’t know what war is like,” I said. “This is bigger than our understanding.”

“And we don’t know what he’s up against,” said Jax. “Not really. But remember how scared we were, with Sam?”

My mouth went dry. I nodded. 

“I don’t know what to do,” said Jax. “Let’s pray.”

I went to my bedroom and got the rosary beads. I wasn’t planning to count any Aves, but they were a comfort to hold, the wood smooth against my fingers.

I got down on my knees in my bedroom, my head bowed to my steepled hands. Jaxom was before me, his head bent upward to face heaven, because scripture taught us that dæmons are closer to God.

It wasn’t the first time I’d begged Jesus for forgiveness for abandoning my child. But after what I’d learned today, I had to ask forgiveness again, and for more besides.

“Magdalene, dæmon of Christ,” said Jax. “Forgive me for all my son Tobias has suffered at my hands, and at my brother’s and sister’s. Keep him and protect him as he fights the Yeerks, who are trying to enslave us. I don’t know if you died on the Cross for the Yeerks’ sins too, but if they can be taught to do what is right, then I’m sure you did. I wish Tobias didn’t have to kill them. I wish he would stop, but I’m not sure if I’m just being selfish. I don’t want him to be hurt, but I don’t want anyone to be enslaved either. Maybe he’s doing the right thing, and he’s braver in his heart than I am.”

“Mother Mary,” I said hoarsely. I wetted my lips, and moved the rosary beads across my palm. “I want so much to protect Tobias. I never protected him as a child, but now he’s not a child anymore, but he still needs me. You gave me a chance to do right by him, and I made a _mess_ of it. I guess the truth is that the war is his life now, and I don’t understand the war. I have to be more humble.

“So please, Mary, show me how to be a mother to Tobias. Show me how to be the mother my son needs.”

“Amen,” said Jax.

“Amen,” I echoed.


	6. Chapter 6

After I completed the morning ritual and still saw no sign of Tobias, true worry set in. It was nearly a day gone by that I had not seen him, and that had never happened without obvious cause. Finally, I spotted him in a tree at the edge of the meadow, eating a mouse.

«Tobias!» I said. «Where have you been?»

«What do you mean, where have I been? I was here all night.»

«I never saw you.»

«Can’t I spend a night by myself once in a while?»

«But you were gone all afternoon and evening as well.»

«It was nothing, OK? I just wanted to be alone. It happens sometimes.»

Normally, I would not have worried. I am not inclined to fuss over my friend as if he were my prize-winning garden. But it was his voice that worried me. He sounded genuinely distraught. Perhaps the other Animorphs, who spend less time with him, would think he was simply in one of his brooding moods. I could tell, however, that this went deeper. 

I did not think answers would be forthcoming if I pressed further, so instead I determined to follow Tobias the next time he flew off without explanation. For the moment, I said, «Forgive me, Tobias. I do not mean to pry.»

«It’s OK. I just wanted some time to think, that’s all.» A pause. «You know, I was thinking about that night at the construction site, and I remembered something. Jake went inside Elfangor’s spaceship, and he saw a picture of Elfangor with another Andalite and two kids. Did your brother have a family of his own?»

I was startled by the question. Had Tobias really spent his absence thinking about Elfangor? And had Elfangor truly had a picture of Falani-Manderay-Castant and their children on board his fighter?

«Of course he had a family,» I said, hoping to quell the conversation until I had time to consider what that meant. «He had Mother and Father and me.»

«That’s not what I meant.»

«Yes, Tobias,» I said heavily. «He married, though it was a match based on genetic compatibility. My planet is in sore need of population growth. It would have been a success. His wife bore twins, which is as rare for us as it is for humans. However, a fighter ship brought back a pestilence from the Yeerk home world. Elfangor’s wife and children were among the first infected. They died when my niece and nephew were not yet old enough for thought-speech.»

My eye-stalks drooped a little as I remembered. Ifarid and Miraxith had died first, their noses oozing blood and pus, silent but so clearly wracked with pain. Falani held on to life long enough to perform the death rites for her children. Elfangor, given personal leave from his duties, had been with her when she died. Still, he had not been sadder than he would have been for anyone else he knew well who died in great suffering. I have always hoped that I might make a marriage based on a love that would have me shear my own fur in anguish if she died. A marriage entirely unlike my brother’s.

«I’m sorry, Ax. That’s terrible.»

I shrugged. «It was a tragedy, but not a very personal one. Elfangor was very private about the affairs of his family, and Falani and the children died less than two of your years after they married. I only met them a few times.»

I remembered all three times. Once, for the wedding. Once, for the naming of the children. The last time, to visit my niece and nephew in their sickbeds, curled in misery on the sanitized grass.

«Still,» Tobias said. «They were your family too.»

«Genetic relationships are an aspect of family,» I said, «but not the only one. I never truly felt welcome in their scoop. So was I truly family? To Elfangor, yes. But not to Falani and her children.» 

«Sorry if I brought up a sore subject,» Tobias said.

I did not want Tobias to think he could not ask such questions. Indeed, now that he had, I wished that he had asked them sooner. «Do not trouble yourself, my friend. I find it quite welcome when you express interest in the Andalite home world. I have learned much of your world, and it is only right that, as my _shorm_ , you should learn more of mine.»

«Oh,» said Tobias. «Thanks. Um, can I ask another question, then?»

«Of course.»

«Why do you and Elfangor have different names? I mean, obviously your first names are different, but your other two names are different too.»

«We do not name our children as humans do. The second name, the _djesculi_ , is the ancestral place name. In the old days of my people, we lived in herds that wandered around lands that were theirs. The _djesculi_ is the land where your ancestor’s herd lived. As you grow older, you learn the stories of your _djesculi_. The stories of some _djesculi_ are held in greater esteem than others, and those _djesculi_ are given to the firstborn. _Djesculi_ with stories of lesser fame are given to the younger.

«The third name, the _schwescor_ , is the child’s own place-name. The child’s name is given as soon as he is able to walk after birth, and the third name is the land where he takes his first steps. Andalites prefer to move from place to place more often than humans do, so Elfangor took his steps in the Shamtul territory, and I took mine in Isthill.»

«Are those places very different?»

«Quite different. Shamtul has deep loamy soil, and the vegetation is quite uniform across the landscape, forming predictable associations between grasses and fungal symbionts. Isthill, however – »

«I wasn’t asking for a botany lecture,» Tobias interrupted. «I wanted to know what those places are like.»

«How can you know what they are like without knowing what the land is like?»

«Huh,» said Tobias. «Well, I’d probably describe a place by what kinds of people live there.»

«The people choose to live there because of the land. Therefore, the land must be understood first.»

«Hmm,» said Tobias. «Well, that’s one way to look at it. I guess I just never found plants very interesting.»

«Plants do not interest you?» I said, completely mystified. But then, he had never satisfactorily answered my questions about Earth plants, and I had had to learn them from books. «Then which subjects in school _did_ interest you?»

«Plants aren’t a subject, Ax. That’s part of science class.»

«You have one class for all of science! I now see why human children are so ignorant.»

«Hey! We can learn!»

We became so engaged in our good-natured argument that I nearly forgot my worry about Tobias’ behavior.

Nearly, but not entirely.

* * *

A week after I nearly ruined everything with Tobias, I heard a knock at the door.

I nearly tripped over Jax in my rush to the door. I don’t get many visitors, and certainly not after dark. No one likes to walk through my neighborhood after dark. But Tobias didn’t have to walk.

I took a moment before I opened the door to gather myself. I had prayed and reflected on this, and I wasn’t going to repeat my mistakes. I wasn’t going to force Tobias into choices that went against his ethics. I was going to listen to him.

 _Come on,_ Jax urged. _Don’t leave him waiting._

I opened the door. Tobias was standing there in his skimpy clothing, barefoot, and _oh_ , it hit me just why he dressed like this. He wouldn’t have any real clothes, living in the woods. And the way Elhariel was so stiff and awkward, not expressive in the way dæmons are. She didn’t even have a body, most of the time.

I sighed, and smiled, in sheer relief. “Come in,” I said. “I’m so glad you came back.”

As soon as we were settled in the sitting room with the curtains drawn, Tobias said, “I’m sorry.”

“What?” I said, taken aback.

“I’m sorry I dumped all this on you so fast,” Tobias said. “I can’t blame you for reacting the way you did. It was too much at once. I should have considered your feelings more. I want to keep coming back here, I really do.”

“Please, Tobias,” I said. “I’m the one who should apologize. I may not agree with your choices, but I didn’t raise you, so I have no right to dictate your decisions about something so important. I never protected you before, so now I can only protect you in the ways you ask me to. I still want to be your mother, Tobias, even if you can’t live with me. Do you want that?”

“ _Yes_ ,” said Tobias, and Elhariel fluttered down to stand on the floor in front of Jax, raising her beak to touch his nose. “I know it’s not easy to be my mother. I don’t think I’m very good at being a son. But if that’s what you want – yes.”

“I don’t want to do this because it’s easy,” I said. “No mother ever does. I want to do this because… because I can’t remember it very well, but I know I loved you, once. I owe it to you, and to myself, to learn to love you again. We found each other again for a reason. This is God’s plan. We can make it work.”

I extended my hand to him. He reached out and squeezed it, gently. Jax nuzzled the back of Elhariel’s head.

“Have you ever thought about what you would do if you weren’t fighting this war?” I asked.

Tobias blinked. “Uh. I guess I’d be going to school.”

“That’s not what I meant. I mean, what do you want to do? Play sports? Draw? Build model airplanes? Be an astronaut?”

“I’ve already been to space. Being an astronaut isn’t all that exciting anymore.”

“Tobias, when this war is over, you can be human again. I hope I can help you with that. I’m not going to pressure you to do that before the time comes. But promise me you’ll try. That you’ll think about life after the war, and what you want to do. This war is important, but it’s hard to have hope if you don’t have something to look forward to. So think about it.”

He was silent for a long time. Elhariel let Jax rest his snout on her head, passively. I couldn’t get a read on him. Finally, he said, “OK. I’ll think about it. I promise.”

All right. I had gotten Tobias to think beyond the war. That was a good step. But now it was my turn to face something scary that I’d never thought about before.

“Tell me,” I said. “What are they like? The battles you fight.”

“They’re terrifying,” Tobias said. “We never really know what we’re doing. Jake is our leader, and he’s good at it, but he’s still just a kid. We try to find out about what the Yeerks are up to. Sometimes I spot something while I’m flying around. I do that a lot, just scout out the area, follow known Controllers around. Sometimes I see something going on. Or we see something on the news that looks suspicious.”

“Then what happens?”

“We go check it out. Sometimes as birds, sometimes as cockroaches or flies. Those can get anywhere. Or if something’s out in the water we become dolphins or sharks. Whatever fits. We try to figure out all the ways we can try to mess up whatever the Yeerks are doing. We have a meeting and plan what to do. All of us contribute, then Jake makes a decision. Unless it’s something really important. Then we have a vote.”

“What have you voted on?”

“Well, we voted on whether we wanted to fight this war in the first place.”

“And you all voted yes.”

“Basically. Marco wanted to vote no, but he decided to do it because Jake’s brother is a Controller, and Jake is his best friend. And we voted on whether to rescue Ax from the…” 

Suddenly, Tobias trailed off, and got a distant look in his eyes.

“What?” I said.

“I just realized something,” he said. “We knew Ax was trapped in the Dome ship in the ocean because he sent out a thought-speech message. It was supposed to only be directed at Andalites, but Cassie and I heard it. We thought it was because I was trapped in morph, and Cassie’s the best of us at morphing. I’m still not sure why Cassie heard. But now I think maybe I heard it because… because we’re family. Maybe because I _am_ an Andalite, in some way.”

I hadn’t really thought about what that meant for Tobias. Yes, it meant something that I had loved an alien, but if Tobias _was_ part-alien, if only in spirit, well – his identity must be confused enough, spending only a fraction of his time as a human.

“You really should tell your friend Ax,” I said. “You have my permission to mention me. He can give you so much you don’t have right now. The Andalite culture is your birthright. He can teach you about your heritage.”

“You have a right to it too. You loved him. We don’t know how or where you met Elfangor – maybe you even went to the Andalite homeworld. You must have known a lot about Andalite culture.”

Jax mused _, Anya at church was so worried about how she and Amitai were going to raise their kids both Catholic and Jewish. That culture gap doesn’t seem so wide, now._

 _How would we have raised him together?_ I thought, but it brought me so much confusion and pain that I had to shove it away immediately. 

“All right. Take me to meet him. But I’m not sure I have the emotional energy to deal with any cruel remarks he might make because of my blindness. It’s already so much. Please speak to him about it first and try to make him learn.”

“I will,” Tobias said eagerly. “He has to see that you’re not a bad person just because you’re blind.”

 _That’s not exactly the point,_ Jax thought. _The point is that being blind means just that: we can’t see so well. But people attach all these feelings to it. Pity, disgust, fear, all of it their feelings about it, not ours. I’m not sure he sees that yet._

_No, he doesn’t. But his heart’s in the right place, I think._

“What do you and Ax do for fun?” I asked.

Tobias seemed taken a little off guard by the question, flustered and silent.

“Is it so strange that I want to know about you?” I said. “There’s so much to learn.”

“Ax and I go to the mall sometimes,” Tobias offered. “He morphs human and I pretend to be his dæmon. He buys gadgets for his scoop – that’s his home in the woods – and he plays video games at the arcade and I help him. We buy books and go back to the woods and read them together. About every other day we go up to visit Toby. She’s another type of alien, a Hork-Bajir. They look like dinosaurs on two legs covered in blades. Most of them are not very bright, but Toby’s nearly a genius. She’s the leader of the only group of free Hork-Bajir in the galaxy. All the rest are Controllers.”

 _It’s not so different from what we do for fun, if you take away all the morphing and aliens,_ Jax observed wryly. 

“I’m glad you have a friend outside the Animorphs,” I said. “I hope I can give you that escape too.”

Tobias shifted a little. “What about you? What do you do for fun?”

“I also have friends I like to visit, from church and my low vision support group. I like to read, mostly in Braille, because most large print isn’t large enough for Jaxom to read. I listen to music. I even sing in church choir. I took a correspondence course to learn how to read music in Braille.”

“What do you sing?”

“I sing alto in the choir. Jaxom is a baritone. Mostly we sing the regulars, Dona nobis pacem and In excelsis deo by famous composers, but sometimes we do more modern things.” 

“Could you – could you sing something?”

I ducked my head. “Our voices are nothing special. Usually we’re singing in a big group. But if you want to hear something – sure. Hey, Jax, do you remember your part for that Benedictus we liked?”

“Think so,” said Jax. “Perch on my back, Elhariel, you’ll feel the vibrations when I sing.”

We sang the two-part Benedictus, our voices rising, falling, interweaving. We tripped up a couple of times, but kept going. Tobias probably wouldn’t notice.

“You’re good,” said Tobias. “You’re really good.”

“I’ve never felt someone sing like that,” said Elhariel. “It was so cool.”

“That was Latin, right?” said Tobias. “What does it mean?”

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord,” I said. “It’s from the Gospel of Matthew, when Jesus and Magdalene ride into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey on Palm Sunday. Sounds a bit silly, I know, but donkeys weren’t as undignified back then as they are now.”

Tobias’ mouth quirked a little. “I don’t think donkeys are undignified. I’ve been animals with much less dignity. A seagull, for one. They’ll make absolute fools of themselves for the smallest scrap of food. I nearly stole a potato chip from a little kid on the beach.”

 _So he gets into the mind of whatever he morphs,_ Jax observed. 

I mentally filed that away. It must affect him, living with the mind of a predator all the time. No wonder he was so expressionless and strange in his human body. 

“Could you sing something else?”

Jax and I kept singing. We’d never sung for someone alone like this before, but we’d also never had such a rapt audience. Finally, he said, “One time, when I was watching you, I heard you hum along with that song ‘Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone’ on the radio. It was nice. Could you do that one?”

“Sure,” I said. It was a sad song, but I liked it. It came out when I was a girl, but of course I don’t remember. Jax and I sang in unison. As we sang, El fluttered up to the arm of Tobias’ chair. Tobias reached out to stroke her head with two fingers, and joined in, singing in an uncertain alto, “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, and she’s always gone too long, any time she goes away…”

I shivered, and my voice nearly failed. Gone too long. Yes, she was gone too long, and I didn’t know what it was doing to her and Tobias. All I could do was hope it didn’t destroy them before this war was done.

“What time is it?” Tobias said, at the end.

I touched my watch. “Almost nine.”

“Oh. I have to demorph. I’d better go.”

“Go out the back door and demorph in the backyard. There’s a fence and some trees back there. No one will see. Here, let me show you.”

I took him to the kitchen and pointed out the back door. “Here.”

Tobias hesitated, then gave me a short, awkward hug. “Thanks. This was nice. I’ll come back and let you know when Ax is ready for a visit. We’ll plan it out.”

“Thank _you_ ,” I said. “And feel free to come back sooner if you like. Any time at all.”

* * *

A week later, I saw Tobias leave the meadow just after sunset, without a word of explanation or farewell. It was happening again. I had to follow him and learn what he was keeping secret.

Tobias is a better observer in the air than I, but he also lacks an owl morph. It was a small matter to morph to great horned owl and follow him at a distance from which I could see him, but he could not see me.

I followed Tobias to an unpleasant section of the city. There were almost no trees here, and where the ground was not bare, the grass was left to grow tall and uneven. I realized that it was the neighborhood where the sightless _vecol_ , Loren, lived. 

Tobias morphed to his human form in an alley and walked to Loren’s house, eyes wary and scanning the dark street. He knocked on her door. Loren opened the door. “Come in,” she said. “I’m so glad to have you back.” They went inside, and Loren drew fabric across the windows of her house so I could not see within.

I was shocked at Tobias’ behavior. He was meant to observe Loren, not socialize with her. He was taking a risk, and for what gain? I nearly came within thought-speak range of the house so I could tell him to leave at once, but I feared he might startle at my voice and betray unusual behavior to Loren.

Enough time passed that I was forced to fly back to the woods and demorph. When Tobias returned, I said, «Tobias, what have you been doing inside Loren’s house?»

«You’ve been spying on me!» he cried.

«Only because you have given me cause for worry, disappearing with no explanation. I have been right to worry. Your behavior is foolish and dangerous. I ought to inform Prince Jake immediately.»

«No, Ax, please don’t!»

«Why not? Why would you take this risk?»

«Because she’s my mother!»

I rocked back a little on my hind legs.

«It’s not like I knew all along. I haven’t been hiding it from you. I only just figured it out. My aunt and uncle never told me much about her, but I put the facts together and I realized it had to be her. I’ve only just gotten to know her. She doesn’t remember me because of the accident, but she wants to be my mom, she really does. We’ve been getting to know each other, and she’s – she’s _nice_.»

My hearts ached. It pained me to know how my _shorm_ had been mistreated by his family, so that his mother’s kindness was a miracle to him. It pained me that his mother was a _vecol_ who could not care for him and left him to neglectful relatives. I was glad he had found his mother again, even in the reduced state left to her by the accident. The longing in him for his mother reminded me of my own, and for a moment I fiercely missed everything about her, down to the way she was always so clumsy with her tail, except when she was gardening, and every stroke of her blade pruned the precise twig she had aimed for.

But I was also wary.

«I am glad you have found your mother, Tobias, truly. But there are more unusual coincidences in this situation than I like. Visser Three has not attempted to track you since you went to the reading of your father’s last statement, but we cannot be sure he has lost interest. Loren has memories of an Andalite. What if the Andalite is Visser Three? He could be using Loren to find you, or learn from you.»

«If he wanted to infest me, he could have done it already. I was totally at his mercy in DeGroot’s office. Anyway, we know that Loren isn’t a Controller, and she’s not likely to become one, with that attitude your people gave the Yeerks about handicapped people.»

«We did not give the Yeerks attitudes of any sort!»

«Oh really? You just gave them technology, is that it? You know, the more I learn about the Yeerks, the less I think that’s true. Cassie says they think of themselves as miserable blind slugs when they don’t have a host. What kind of species thinks of themselves that way? Every species thinks of themselves as normal, from what I’ve seen, unless some other species comes along and makes them think something different. I wonder who made the Yeerks that way. I wonder why Yeerks would look down on handicapped people when compared to a Yeerk in its natural state, Loren’s like fucking Superman.»

«Why would a Yeerk want a _vecol_ for a host when it could have an intact human?»

«Well, there you have it. That’s exactly it. Why would they infest Loren to get to me when’s she a blind scarred headcase and I’m crippled street trash? You know what, Ax, it is kind of unusual that my mom happens to have memories of an Andalite. You’re right. But can you let me handle this for now? I’m going to tell Jake soon, I promise. We’re going to work this all out. But I need time. This is my family. I’ve never had this before. I just need a little more time to get it all together in my head. You know what that’s like, Ax, right? To have family stuff you’re just not ready to talk about?»

I thought of how Tobias had helped me deceive Jake and gain access to the observatory so I could make contact with the homeworld. So I could speak with my parents again. _Aximili-kala,_ I heard my father say in my memory. I felt ashamed. Surely I could repay Tobias for that favor. «Yes. I do. I will keep your secret, Tobias. But I think it is best that you tell Prince Jake soon.»

«I will. But don’t spy on me again, OK? I’ll be more level with you, Ax, soon, but I need you to be more level with me, too.»

«Very well. You must answer my questions when I ask, though. I only spied because I felt you would not give me any satisfactory answers.»

«Sorry. It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just… new. And so much harder than I thought.»

«Family always is.»

* * *

It was six days later that I found myself alone with Tobias in a compartment of a primitive human vehicle called a train, heading south through the human political entity known as Canada. Canada, as far as I could discern so far, was a vast and frozen wasteland. I wondered why any humans would live there at all, much less form a polity to govern it.

I was very cold in the train compartment, but my recently acquired seal and polar bear morphs were the only ones that were tolerant of the cold, and neither of them would be suitable inside the train. In any case, I was far too exhausted by my many recent morphs to manage another, so I did my best to sleep despite the grim surroundings, the movement of the train, and the icy burn of air through my nostrils.

Some vague dream took me, of the Venber walking into warmth and screaming as they melted. Tobias’ voice brought me to wakefulness. «Visser Three wasn’t lying.»

I stirred and peered at Tobias. He was perched on a crate of whatever goods the train transported. 

«He told me I had a family. He wasn’t lying.»

I knew Tobias had a family. He had Loren, the _vecol_ , and I hoped he knew he had me, even if we weren’t bound by genetic relatedness. But I had a feeling that was not what he meant. I said, cautiously, «Aria was a lie.»

«Yeah. She was. But why lie to me? As far as he knew, I was just some street punk. He was lying to me for a reason. He knew the truth. My father left me a letter. The lawyer was a Controller and showed it to Visser Three. Then he read it to me.»

All traces of exhaustion left me. Tobias had never before spoken of what happened that day at DeGroot’s office. I focused on him with all my eyes. «What did it say?»

«It started…» Tobias began. Then he did something I had never heard him do before. He choked, as humans do when they are about to cry. «It started: “Dear Tobias.” He barely met me. I didn't even know. But he said, “Dear Tobias.” He said he wanted to love me, even though he never got the chance.»

«I do not understand.»

«Did you know Elfangor spent years on Earth, before the Yeerks invaded? He lived as a human. Permanently. Until the Ellimist gave him a chance to join the fight again, just like he did for me.»

«He did not – » I began, because it was not true, could _not_ be true, until I realized that ludicrous as it was, as much as my mind and my hearts rebelled against it, it would explain everything. It would explain the silences, the distant stares, the moments of utter disconnect, those shameful missing years, everything about my brother I never understood. Distantly, I felt myself droop, like a flower shaded from the sun.

«My brother disappeared, when he was an _aristh_ like me,» I said. «Before I was born. My parents thought that he had died in the Taxxon rebellion. They mourned for him. Then, years later, he reappeared, without any explanation of where he had been. The only reason he was not cast out of the military was because of his valor in combat immediately following his return.»

It was one of my first memories. I still remember my parents’ joy when they told me I had a brother, who was a very brave warrior and helped protect the planet. They told me he was coming home, and I would finally get to meet him. I was nervous, waiting with them at the spaceport for his ship to arrive, even though they told me Elfangor had seen holos of me and was very excited to meet me. I remember thinking he was much smaller than I expected him to be, but also much kinder. Later, I noticed how stiffly he moved all the time, as if he could not shed the mannerisms of a soldier and walk smoothly and easily as all other Andalites did when they come home. Could that have been because he had grown accustomed to a human body?

«My parents begged him to explain. I asked, too, when I was small. He refused to speak of it to anyone. But how…»

«He told me,» Tobias said, his thought-speak shaky. «The Ellimist gave him one chance, I guess, to leave a message for his son, before he was torn away from his family and zapped back to his Andalite life. He left me, so he could be a hero. But he wanted me to…»

I finally understood, then, what Tobias was telling me. Elfangor had lived for years as a human. Long enough to father a human child. 

«Tobias,» I said, overwhelmed, because all of this meant so much, a net of emotion binding me motionless, but most of all I felt gratitude to the universe for this gift, because Tobias was my family, both in my hearts and in truth, and it was more than I could ever have asked for.

«He left me, Ax!» Tobias wailed. It was a terrible sound, like I had heard little Ifarid and Miraxith make on their sickbeds. «He could have stayed with me! He could have loved me! But instead he fought, and he fought, and he died right in front of me!»

I saw that Tobias was shaking all over. I reached out to steady him by the shoulders, and my touch was also a kiss, because I let my palms press into the contact. This is what I did at the naming of my niece and my nephew – my _younger_ nephew – as they leaned against Falani on wobbly legs; I kissed them on the shoulders, gently, steadyingly. 

«That's not what I meant,» Tobias said, leaning into the support of my hands. «I'm not mad at him for choosing to go back to the fight. It was the right thing to do. But I watched my father die, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.»

I knew Elfangor had done as he must. But oh, how it pained me that Tobias had not received the naming ritual, his birthright. I would have been a child barely old enough to speak, then, but Elfangor would have held his hand, and given him his name, and taken Tobias’ first steps with him. And I would have been there, and my parents – Tobias’ grandparents, too.

I had been fortunate, so fortunate, to find my lost nephew across all the expanse of space. I could not give him the naming ritual he deserved, though I would have given up my own childhood with my brother if it meant Tobias could have him. But even now, the sun was beginning to rise. It was not the same sun under which Elfangor had named Ifarid and Miraxith. But it was the sun that gave life to this world of Tobias’ birth. I could give him his name, by these first pale rays of light.

«We would have celebrated, if we had known. There is a wishflower ritual, to wish an infant's safe arrival into the world. There is a ritual for new life rising, at dawn, to welcome the new addition to the family.»

«I couldn’t do that. I’m not an Andalite.»

I responded without hesitation. «You can, if you would like. Acquire me.»

«What?»

«Acquire my DNA. Morph me. You have my permission. I can perform the ritual.»

«I think it’s fourteen years too late, Ax.»

I held back my disappointment, but it choked me like blood beneath my hooves. If he did not want the ritual, of course I would not give it. But he _deserved_ to know his name.

«Don’t listen to him,» said Elhariel, and I listened closely, because it was rare that human and dæmon spoke contradictions of each other. «He wants to. He's just weirded out by the idea of morphing into you.»

«If you were an Andalite, you would look very much like me.» I tried to imagine what he would have looked like, but all I could imagine were fierce yellow hawk eyes staring from Elfangor’s face when I had first met him, and he had been young. «You are the equivalent of my age, and you are my nephew. I think it is fitting.» I waited, poised on a chasm. Would Tobias’ fear win out, or Elhariel’s longing for what was theirs?

When the acquiring trance came over me, I surrendered to its peace with open hearts.

The trance broke, and I let go of Tobias to give him space to morph. He glided down from the crate, and I watched an Andalite body emerge from the hawk. He was my twin, of course, but he held himself differently, with a sort of childish wonder I hadn’t felt since the academy taught me to suppress my natural optimism long ago. This body was mine, but it was also his.

We turned our stalk eyes toward the narrow strip of dawn light that fell between the doors of the train compartment. «As new light gathers on the horizon, so we gather to welcome new life,» I said, knowing that it should have been Elfangor who spoke these words, but filling myself with their purpose.

I knocked my hoof against its mirror. «May your hooves run swiftly.» And one day, we would run through the woods together, for the sheer joy of it.

I touched my tail blade to his. «May your blade stay sharp.» I would teach him that, too, how to use his tail with grace and speed.

I leaned forward and twined my eyestalks with his, filling half my vision with the brown-gold-green color that was mine and his. «May your eyes see truly.»

I reached out and kissed his chest, feeling his hearts beat fiercely against my palm. «May your hearts beat the song of your spirit.»

«As your ancestors before you once roamed the Paths Sirinial, and your father before you walked his first steps on the Plain Shamtul, and your mother before you walked her first steps on grass unknown, we invite you to walk with us always, however far we may wander. Now we take our first steps together, Tobias-Sirinial-Canada.»

I broke the kiss, and pulled my eyes back, and turned toward the rising sun. Without any signal, we took our first steps as a family in perfect unison, our hooves striking rhythm on the floor. The pink alien light fell across our fur and touched it with purple.

«I wish Loren had been here for this,» said Tobias, stalk eyes on me, main eyes staring at the light. «She would have liked it.»

The peace of the ritual drained away from me. I turned all my eyes to stare at Tobias. Of course. How could I have forgotten? Tobias had told me Loren was his mother. The Andalite in her memories was not Visser Three, but _Elfangor._

«Do the Yeerks know about her?» I said, stiff with fear.

«No. Elfangor didn’t say anything about her in his letter. If they’d known, they would have used her against me. They haven’t gotten to her, Ax. She wants to help.»

«You told her,» I said. I knew I should be furious with him for sharing our secret, but I could not find that anger in me. She was my sister by marriage. Elfangor must have loved her, become human for her. So much about his marriage to Falani became clear to me now. Now Loren was a _vecol,_ and remembered him very little. The Ellimist’s work, no doubt. It was a tragedy I could hardly bear.

«Yes,» Tobias said defiantly. «I told her everything. And now she’s starting to remember more. She knows what he looked like as a human. He had a dæmon, Ax. I don’t know how, but he did. She was an insect, and her name was Hala Fala.»

My mind began to blur. It was too much. It was impossible, and yet – «That was his _Garibah_ ’s name.»

«What’s a _Garibah_?»

«A Guide Tree. They are very old trees with a kind of consciousness. Every Andalite bonds with one after the naming ritual. We are able to thought-speak with our _Garibah_ and share emotions. When we die, the _Garibah_ ’s consciousness becomes dormant, until the next Andalite child bonds with it and awakens it. While Elfangor was gone, Hala Fala became dormant. That is why we thought he died. But perhaps, somehow, she became his dæmon.»

And for the first time, I understood what it meant to have a dæmon. I missed my _Garibah_ , Firi Dria, with a sudden longing so intense I swayed on my hooves. I understood, now, why humans could not be separated from their dæmons by more than a few meters. If my Firi Dria could move about, as a dæmon could, I would be tempted to keep her with me always. 

«It’s all connected,» Elhariel whispered. «Dæmons and humans, Hork-Bajir and _hrala_ , Andalites and Guide Trees. We all experience the same thing, in different forms, by different names.»

Perhaps it was true. We would never have known, if Tobias and Elhariel had not listened and learned from Hork-Bajir and Andalites. No one had seen it, but Tobias had. He was something unique in the universe.

«How much does Loren remember of Elfangor?»

«I don’t know. We’re hoping that if you meet her, it’ll help bring back her memory.»

I wanted to meet her, very much. But I could not help but balk at breaking a _vecol_ ’s seclusion. And, I had to admit, it horrified me to think that the human Elfangor loved had been reduced to that state. «I will meet her, if it is not an intrusion.»

«No, not at all. She wants to. But you have to treat her right. None of this _vecol_ stuff. I know it’s sad, what the Ellimist did to her, but she doesn’t want a pity party. She’s a person, a good person, and her blindness doesn’t define her. Not even close. Will you treat her as a sister-in-law, not as a _vecol_?»

Elfangor had kept this secret from me all his life. He had kept it planted in his hearts throughout his second marriage. He must have thought of Tobias as he watched his children die. He had fled the war to be human, and perhaps that made him a coward. But he left Loren and Tobias out of his duty as a warrior, and I could not blame him for his cowardice, however much it hurt to know, because he had paid so much to be the hero he became. I needed to know exactly how much he had lost. I needed to learn about the family I might never have known, if will and chance had not led me here.

«Yes. If Elfangor loved her, then she must be a most remarkable human. I will give her all the honor she deserves.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can listen to the Benedictus Loren and Jaxom sang [here.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXqENmau7WE) Loren sang Garfunkel's part and Jaxom sang Simon's.
> 
> To read the last scene from Tobias' point of view, check out part III of [Five Questions Ax Asked Tobias (and one that Tobias asked Ax).](http://archiveofourown.org/works/226844)


	7. Chapter 7

On a sunny Saturday morning, I took the bus out to the edge of town and walked down the road to the national park.

It didn’t take long for Tobias to spot me, of course. «Hi, Loren. Here, walk toward the tree line. I’ll fly low enough so you can see me.»

I walked into the protective shade of the trees along the meadow. Tobias swooped down and landed in a tree. «This way.»

He guided me to a kind of hollow in the ground the size of a big living room, with a generator, a computer, and some storage bins. «This is Ax’s scoop. Andalites live in scoops. There’s this camouflage cover he puts up when he’s away or it’s raining, but he likes to have it down whenever he’s around. Andalites are big on open space. I’m sorry there’s no place to sit, but it’s not like Ax and I need chairs. Oh, here he comes.»

“It’s OK,” I said. “I don’t need a chair.” I leaned against a tree trunk, trailing my fingers against the edge of Jax’s ear.

He emerged from deeper in the woods, accompanied by that otherworldly smell that had vexed us for so long. He was just as Tobias described, but it was another thing entirely to see him for ourselves. Jax has always been able to see movement better than details or colors, and the way the Andalite moved was as alien as his scent. His legs didn’t hit the ground in the same sequence a horse’s or a deer’s do when they walk. His torso didn’t lean back and forth with his steps like a human’s does. His stalk eyes swiveled up and down and back and front, ceaseless, and his tail maintained a perfect curve, poised to strike, no matter how his position changed. 

It sparked something in my mind. Elfangor had moved just like that – no, more clumsily, I had to admit. He didn’t have a dæmon beside him, but it didn’t feel like he was missing one, and the panic I expected to feel wasn’t there.

The Andalite came near, and now all four of his eyes were fixed on me. «Hello, Loren,» he said, his voice smooth and precise in my head, and for a moment I didn’t know when I was, whether this was a flash of memory or reality. But it was both, Aximili’s thought-voice layered with the echoes of the times I’d heard Elfangor say the same words. «It is an honor to meet you face to face.»

I flushed a little. That was right, he had seen me before. All these children who called themselves Animorphs had, when they were spying on me. “It’s nice to meet you too, Ax. Can I call you Ax? It’s all right if not. Elfangor always preferred his full name.”

That last spilled out of my mouth before I’d even known it was true. But now that I’d said it, I knew it had to be. The name had become so natural to me it seemed strange that Jax and I had called him Blue only a month ago. 

He twisted an eye stalk toward Tobias, questioning. His other eye stalk gave an uncertain twirl. Then he said, «Once, I would have said the same. My people communicate in thought-speech, so to us the idea of shortening a name to save effort is absurd. But I have become accustomed to the name Ax, and I have learned that it stems from affection and familiarity, not laziness. So you may call me as you wish.»

I nodded. After a pause, Ax said tentatively, «Did you always call Elfangor by his full name?»

“I – I’m not sure. Probably not. He must have had a human name, and I would have had to call him that. But I know Elfangor is what he liked best.”

«His human name was Alan Fangor,» Tobias supplied. «He said in the letter. I guess he wanted it as close to his real name as he could get it.»

“Does that mean your name ought to be Tobias Fangor?”

«No. That’s not the way Andalites do names. My real name is Tobias-Sirinial-Canada.»

I blinked. “Okay, I recognize the Sirinial part from Elfangor’s name, but where did Canada come from?”

«Tobias told me of our relationship when we were in Canada, and I performed the naming ritual there. He took his first steps as an Andalite of our family in Canada, and that became his _schwescor_ , his place-name.»

“Elfangor’s place-name – uh, his _schwescor_ – is Shamtul.”

«Yes. Elfangor took his first steps on the Plain Shamtul. It is a fertile inland plain, very flat, located in the temperate zone of our largest continent. It is – »

«Ax, she might not want to hear a botany lecture.»

“A botany lecture?”

«Andalites are really into plants, and once you get Ax going about the vegetation of a place – »

«Very well,» Ax said. «Let us speak of Elfangor instead. He is the one who binds us all, is he not?»

Yes. He felt like an invisible presence, there in the woods among us. He had left his mark on all of us, but none of us fully knew him. Well, maybe I did, once. But I can’t remember anymore. I said, “Tell me about him, Ax.”

«He was a great hero. He fought back the Yeerks at the Tharbrin Nebula, when – »

“I don’t care about that. Tobias already told me he was a hero, and maybe I knew that too, before the accident. What was he like as a brother?”

That caught Ax short. There was a long silence. «He was… distant. I loved him, and he loved me, but he always held something back. Now I finally understand what that was.»

I laughed bitterly. “Even I don’t really know what it was. I loved him, I know that, but I don’t know what it was that made him abandon his people and everything he knew. I don’t have the answer to that. I’m sorry.”

«He loved you. Is that not enough? I saw him suffer through a second marriage utterly without love, or even affection, only courtesy. I can see it plainly, because I know how strongly Elfangor could love. He loved me with all his hearts, and from what I know of humans, I see no reason why he would have loved you any less.»

I stared at him. “You really have learned something by living here. I can only hope that if I ever visited your world, I could come to appreciate it as much.”

There was an awkward silence, then, and I remembered that the Andalites would in no way appreciate _me_. 

«He would have liked you to, I think. He had been to many worlds, but he knew intimately well the night sky from the homeworld. I remember, as a child, I could point to any star and he would know its name and where it was. He was not often home from the war, but I treasured our time together at night, running through the fields and gazing at the stars.»

«Can you see our sun from your homeworld?» Tobias asked.

«Yes, just barely with the naked eye. Though that did not matter to me then. Andalites were aware of this star system, but we considered you humans primitives. Beneath our notice. It was foolish, of course. We considered the Hork-Bajir to be primitives, and they have become crucial in this war.»

“Tobias, you mentioned Hork-Bajir before. You said you and Ax have a Hork-Bajir friend.”

«Yes. She is our student. An attentive and dedicated student.»

«I went flying with her yesterday,» Tobias said. «She’s really coming along.»

“Hork-Bajir can fly?”

«No. We gave her the morphing power. She was practicing her hawk morph.»

Tobias’ words were a spark that lit the fuel of a dozen desperate prayers. I felt dizzy. Jax leaned against me to shore me up. I tried to speak as calmly as I could. “You can give people the morphing power?”

«Sure. We have the blue box Elfangor used to give us the morphing power.»

_This is our chance,_ Jax said, trembling a little with joy and hope. _The one we’ve prayed for. If we can fight with him, we can protect him, as Elfangor could not. We can make this right._

I wetted my lips and said softly, “Could you give _me_ the morphing power?”

Ax and Tobias made surprised, wordless exclamations – but joyful ones. I held my breath in excitement.

«You are very shrewd, Loren,» said Ax, with an undercurrent of excitement. «It is a clever idea. You will no longer be blind and disfigured. The technology will cure you. Surely this is what Elfangor would have wanted.»

«Oh, Loren, we have to find a way to convince Jake! You’ll be able to _see_!»

The anger roared so sudden and swift I thought I might be sick. Jax’s ears were rigid and quivering, every muscle tense. _DNA. Morphing is based on DNA, Tobias said that once. The accident didn’t affect my DNA. I’ll go back to the body that’s written in my DNA, I’ll get my sight back, I’ll get my_ memory _back._

Jax thought darkly, _And all they care about is that we won’t be blind and scarred anymore._

I couldn’t stop my voice from shaking with rage as I said, “Is that why you think I asked for the morphing power? Do you think I’m that selfish, and that obsessed with finding some kind of cure, that I’d ask you for that reason? I didn’t even know until you just told me that it would do that. I asked because I wanted to _protect my family_. And now you’ve told me, and my blindness _still_ isn’t the important part, because the morphing power could cure my brain too, restore my _memory._ Did you think of that? No? Of course not. You don’t really see me as family, do you? Just some poor _cripple_ who Elfangor loved back when she was whole and pretty.

“How dare you talk to me about what Elfangor would have wanted? You know even less about our relationship than I do. Did you even know him at all? You talk about his heroics in the Andalite military. Well, where is your heroic Andalite military now, while you and my son and four other children are fighting their battles for them? I want to protect you because I can see that no one else will. But clearly you don’t see what I could do to help you, because the poor pathetic blind woman _needs_ help, she doesn’t _give_ it. Well, I _can_ help, and I _will_ help, if you can get over your goddamn shortsighted bigoted arrogance.”

« _Mom_ ,» said Tobias, brokenly. «Wait, I didn’t mean – »

“This meeting is _over_ ,” I hissed. “Just _listen_ to me, _think_ about what I said, and come back to me when you’re ready to treat me like your sister-in-law, like your mother, not a sob story.”

With that, I turned away, and walked toward the tree line.

* * *

«I do not understand.» I felt lost and frustrated. «Does she not want her blindness and scarring cured?»

«Shut up, Ax,» Tobias snapped. «That’s not the _point_. Don’t you get it? Loren hates Elfangor for giving us the morphing power. She hates this war. She doesn’t want me to fight, but she knows I will no matter what she says. She asked for the morphing power because it was the only way she could see to protect me. To protect _you._ For _fuck’s_ sake, Ax, she did exactly what any of the Animorphs’ parents would do if they could. That has nothing to do with being a – a _vecol,_ and everything to do with being our _family._ ”

I thought of my own mother. Forlay did not have the morphing power, but if she were stranded here on Earth with me, she would demand it, and never mind that she was a female with no military training. She would stop at nothing to help me. I missed the certainty of that knowledge, knowing that there was someone for whom my welfare came before all else. I didn’t realize just how much I missed it. And I had just had the chance to have that same dedication to my welfare, for both myself and Tobias, and I had thoughtlessly pushed it away.

I let my tail blade fall to the ground and become sullied with dirt. I contemplated giving myself _unschweet_. I deserved no better. 

«We are such _idiots_ ,» Tobias hissed. «What’s Loren going to do, walk around with her face and her eyes fixed like she’s had some kind of miracle cure? There’s no way the Yeerks wouldn’t notice her then.»

«That is not at issue. Surely you see that the Chee could hide the cure, with their skill at holograms, and it would not violate the terms of their pacifism.»

«Oh,» said Tobias, and was silent for a time. «So she’d have to live as if she were still blind and scarred anyway.»

«Yes. I am sorry she must keep up the appearance of a _vecol._ But after the war, she could end the pretense. She could live normally.»

«Stop calling her a _vecol_ , Ax. And anyway, I don’t think any of us are going to live normally. Not even after the war.»

It was my turn to fall into thoughtful silence. Finally, I said, «I was a fool not to think of her memory. No, I was worse than a fool. I behaved dishonorably toward my _taf ratheen_. To restore sight and wholeness to Loren is a great good, but to restore her memories of her family and her life is a far greater one. For our sake, so we may learn of the bonds that bring us together, but even more so for hers.»

«If she could remember what brought Elfangor to Earth, how they met, what they did here together, that would be…» Tobias trailed off. We both knew how much that meant, to both of us. «What’s a _taf ratheen_?»

«There is no direct analogue in your language. It refers to a female relative bound by love, rather than blood. That may be by marriage, or by the bonds between _shorms_. Loren is my _taf ratheen_ twice over: once by my brother’s love, and again by yours, my _shorm_ since before we knew we were family.»

«So we owe her. Big time. What can we do to make this right?»

«Are we in agreement that she should be given the morphing power? I know Elfangor loved her, and now I can plainly see why. That is enough to earn her my trust, and there is no question of her dedication to our cause.»

Tobias hesitated. «It would kill me to see her hurt. There’s always the chance she won’t make it, same as any of us. Probably more, since she’ll have so much less experience than we do. But if she doesn’t get to decide whether I can risk my life for this, then I don’t get to decide for her either. I say yes.»

«As an adult, she brings many advantages to our group. And her memories, once recovered, may be of strategic value as well.»

«So we convince Jake. Again. He’s going to be _pissed_ that we’ve told her everything we have.»

«What we have done is hardly worse than the risk Cassie took with that Yeerk,» I sniffed.

«Agreed, but I don’t know if Jake will see it that way.»

«But that is not our first task. First, we must apologize to Loren.»

«How do we convince her we’ve learned our lesson?»

«We could tell her about the Chee and their holograms. Then she would see that we have fully considered the consequences of her proposal, beyond our thoughtless first reactions.»

«And _you_ better not call her a _vecol_ or have another pity party about how much her life will suck until she’s cured by the morphing power. The morphing power isn’t going to make her life better, Ax, not even with the cure. It’s going to make it a whole lot worse.»

«Still. Do you not think of how she has not yet truly seen either of us? That she will finally have the opportunity to do so?»

«I think she may have seen more of you than you think. But you’re right. I do think about it. But don’t say anything like that to her.»

«I still do not understand. She seems… indifferent toward her blindness. Like it is a part of her, as my hooves are a part of me.»

«Maybe that’s how she thinks of it.»

«But it’s not natural. The Ellimist inflicted it on her. Doesn’t she understand this?»

«Sure she does. Look, Ax, I don’t know why Loren thinks the way she does, not really. But I don’t think someone who actually lives from day to day with a disability can think about it the way you do.»

«On my world, they do. _Vecols_ willingly seclude themselves from society.»

«Huh. I wonder why they’d want to do that,» said Tobias, and I recognized human sarcasm in his words. 

That stung. «Because they do not want to be reminded of what they have lost.»

«And you think being stuck away from other people all the time _doesn’t_ remind them of what they’ve lost? Jeez, Ax, can’t you put yourself in someone else’s shoes for five seconds? Imagine what that would be like, having a disability, and then have to live alone and ignored on top of that. No one wants to live that way. Loren _definitely_ doesn’t want to live that way. And I don’t think Elfangor would have wanted that for her, either.»

«Elfangor’s beliefs about _vecols_ were no different from mine.»

«Well, you’re starting to come around at least a little, so if Elfangor was no different from you, then I’m sure he could have changed his mind too. And for Loren, I _bet_ he would.»

I thought of the ferocity in Loren’s sightless eyes as she said _protect my family_. She had so clearly included me in that statement, even though she had only just met me, and I had treated her as – as a _vecol_. She had so few memories of her life before the accident, and she clung to them with such determination.

«Yes,» I murmured. «Yes, I think he would have.»

* * *

The next evening, I heard a knock at my door.

I suspected who it was before I opened it. My friends almost always call before they visit. My family, I’d already learned, never does.

But it wasn’t Tobias I saw when I opened the door. Instead there was a different boy in spandex and no shoes, his mop of curly hair dripping in the rain, a hawk dæmon perched on his shoulder. The boy’s and the dæmon’s heads were tilted at the same angle as they peered at me.

«Hi, Mom,» said the hawk.

_Not a dæmon,_ Jax thought, astonished. _Tobias. But they look so like…_

«Could you let me and Ax in? I hate getting my feathers wet.»

_Ax has a human morph. Right, yes, Tobias told me that. It looks nothing like Elfangor’s, but of course it wouldn’t._

“Yeah, sure, come along,” I mumbled, thrown off balance. 

As soon as we were all in the sitting room, Ax said, “We came here to apop-pop-ologize. Gizzzze. We behaved disgracefully yesterday. Ter. Day.”

I gave Tobias a questioning glance. Ax hadn’t spoken this way yesterday. Did he have a speech impediment in human morph?

«I’m using private thought-speak right now, directed only at you. Ax plays with words a lot when he’s in human morph. He’s not used to having a mouth, so he can’t really help finding spoken words kind of weird.»

I blinked. I hadn’t known thought-speak could be private.

“You can use thought-speak if you’d rather, Ax,” I said neutrally, not meaning to imply that I couldn’t understand his spoken words.

«May I? The others find it disconcerting when I use thought-speak in human morph.»

I could see what they meant. It was strange to “hear” Ax talking without his mouth moving. But I read using touch, and see the world through a zebra duiker’s eyes, so I guess I’m used to getting things through different senses than other people do. I could get used to it. “Yes, you may.”

«Listen,» said Tobias. «We thought about what you said. We really did. And you’re right, the morphing power isn’t just going to magically give you a normal life. Your disability is what protects you from the Yeerks. But Ax came up with a solution.»

I flinched internally at Tobias’ use of “a normal life.” He still didn’t get it, not really. But he was getting closer. 

«We have allies in this war. They are called the Chee. They are androids sworn to pacifism, but they aid us in whatever way they can. They have helped us in the past with their advanced holograms. We can ask them to provide you with a holographic emitter to give you the appearance of your disabilities. That way you would not draw undue attention.»

“Could the hologram affect the way I see, too?”

«Certainly.»

“Then the hologram would have to make me blind, too. Project blackness over my eyes.”

«What? Why?» said Ax and Tobias at once.

“You’re getting better, but you’re still not there, are you? I can’t pretend to be blind all the time if I’m not. There are a million little things I do differently from a seeing person. Jax always has to be positioned so he’s looking at whoever I’m talking to. If a bright light goes off or something moves past me and Jax isn’t looking, I don’t react. If something is too high for Jax to see, like the flame on my stove, I have to tilt my head to listen for it instead. There are so many details, and I’m no actress. Whenever I’m anywhere that someone besides you and the Animorphs might see me, I have to be blind.

“And it’s more than that. You think you’re giving me a gift, just with lots of complications. But you’re also taking something away. How could I see my friends in the low vision support group, pretending to still be blind when I’m not? Even with the hologram I’ll feel like a fraud. They’re my community. They helped me build my life from _nothing_ after the accident. After I get your morphing power, I won’t belong with them anymore. Not really. And I’m going to have to live with that, even as I pretend to still be going through the same struggles they do.”

«You’re right,» Tobias said heavily. «We didn’t think of that. I’m sorry. But you’re right.»

There was a pause. Then Ax said, «Thank you.»

I raised my eyebrows, bracing myself for whatever Ax might say next.

«Thank you for what you are offering to do. I will not insult you by thanking you for offering to fight to protect us. You are doing what is your duty as a mother and a _taf ratheen_ – a mother and sister by bonds of love. But I thank you for your offer to undertake a deception perhaps more profound than anything our human friends must perform for their families to cover their activities. It is a deceitful and difficult thing you would do for a noble cause.»

I nodded, but Jax was still suspicious. _What if he thinks it’s a burden because we have to pretend to be blind, not because we have to lie to most everyone we know?_

«I think it weighs upon our friends as heavily as what they do in battle,» Ax went on, «and they are only obliged to deceive their families whenever we have a meeting or a mission, not on a constant basis.»

Jax’s suspicions relaxed – a little.

«I don’t think you’re giving them enough credit,» Tobias said. «They have to lie more than that, because their grades have gone down and they’re more tired and, well, haunted than they should be. But the point still stands.»

My heart ached again for these children. I had to at least try to give them what therapy I knew how to give.

“All right. Apology accepted. But that doesn’t mean you get to stop thinking about what your words mean. This is only the beginning. I’m your family, and this,” I said, waving my hand across my face, “is who I am. Even after I morph, and this is gone, it will still be a part of who I am.”

«Yes,» said Tobias. «And the memories will be, too.»

«We are very eager for you to have those, Loren, and to hear their stories whenever you are willing to share them.»

The corner of my mouth curled upward. “So am I.” The eagerness in their voices reminded me of everything they’d lost, or never had in the first place. Even Ax, who had known Elfangor, but never all of him. Jax wanted to move forward, to make some gesture, but Ax didn’t have a dæmon, and Elhariel and Tobias were sharing a body right now. There was no acceptable script for him to follow, nowhere for him to direct his expressions, so he stayed still. “What comes next?”

«We talk to Jake,» Tobias said gloomily. «He is _not_ going to be happy.»

“Why not? Once I’ve morphed, I’ll have memories of Elfangor, maybe even of the war in general. And I’ll be another soldier. I don’t know much about war, but I’m pretty sure seven is better than six.”

«It can be better than six, if the bonds of trust are just as strong between them. Otherwise increased numbers can be a liability. That is the key. We cannot trust anyone with our secrets, for fear of being betrayed to the Yeerks, and we have told you nearly all of them. Tobias and I know we can trust you, but the others will not be so certain.»

«They’ll be twitchy,» Tobias agreed. «What if you turn against us? You know our names, our allies, and if you have the morphing power it would be really hard to stop you from running to the Yeerks with everything you know. Not that we’re saying you’d do that, but I’m trying to give you their perspective.»

“I’m your mother, and your – your _taf ratheen_ , or whatever. Would they really suspect me of selling you out?”

«How do they know you’re really my mother? I never knew you. What if you’re a Yeerk plant?»

“It’s a matter of public record. I have papers from when I transferred your custody over to your aunt and uncle. And anyway, if I did try to betray you, what _would_ they do?”

The change in body language was so sudden and intense even Jax could see it. Ax went rigid, and Tobias flinched as if struck.

“Oh, Mother Mary and Joseph,” I whispered. “It’s happened to you before. You had a seventh, and he betrayed you.”

«Yes,» Ax said solemnly. «He nearly betrayed us all to the Yeerks, and he would have taken Elfangor’s Escafil Device, that gave Tobias and the others the morphing power, and used it for his own purposes.»

That hit me hard. I hadn’t any idea _how_ someone got the morphing power. 

_It comes from a device Elfangor owned,_ thought Jax. _It belonged to him, and the Animorphs have it. We would get the morphing power from_ him.

“And he could just turn into a bird and fly away.”

«Or turn into a dog and follow Rachel’s little sister home from school. He did that. And worse.»

I shivered. I had only seen Tobias morph between hawk and human, and hadn’t really thought of the implications of what the morphing power could do. The Animorphs could follow anyone, anywhere, and their target would never suspect a thing. Who could watch out for every stray dog on the street, every ant at a picnic? Jax couldn’t see most insects at all.

“So what did you do?”

Ax and Tobias looked at each other. Then Tobias said, «We killed him.»

It shouldn’t have made my blood run cold. This was war. Ax and Tobias must have killed more times than they could count. I knew when I signed up for this that I would have to kill too. But hearing Tobias say that they’d turned on one of their own and murdered him – it chilled me. They were capable of this, my son and my brother-in-law.

_Elfangor must have been capable too,_ Jax said.

I let out a shaky breath. “Okay. Okay, I see how serious this is. Your people aren’t going to jump and ask when I can start.”

«They’re going to ask some tough questions. If they let you get that far at all.»

“But your friend Toby has the morphing power, and got it not long ago by the way you tell it. You convinced them to let her have it.”

«That was different. Toby was born to the first free Hork-Bajir, who I helped escape and found their own colony. She was named after me. We helped protect their colony from the Yeerks. She’s known who we are all her life, so there was plenty of trust between us to begin with. Besides, there’s nothing she could gain from working with the Yeerks and she knows it. They would just want their escaped hosts back, no matter what the cost, and all she wants is to protect her people.»

“And what would I gain from dealing with the Yeerks?”

«They would make any promise to you. Your value to them would be great. Protection for me and Tobias.»

“They wouldn’t keep their promises. I know they wouldn’t. Listen, I remember the Yeerks a little, from before. I get this awful feeling whenever you talk about them, and when Sam told me about the Sharing, I knew there was something off about it even before I met any of you. I think Elfangor and I must have known about the Sharing, or at least suspected.”

«Interesting,» Ax murmured. «I look forward to learning more about what you and Elfangor might have known. But the point stands that while we believe you, our friends have every reason to doubt.»

“Bring me to the meeting. I can speak for myself. I’ll make them see.”

«I do not think that would be wise. Let us introduce them to the idea first. They may react violently if they think you an intruder or a spy.»

Right. This was a secret army we were talking about, greatly outnumbered and desperate, even if they were also children. 

“All right. Okay,” I said, though I dreaded a little how they might describe me in their own words, even after all their apologies and assurances. “So you’ll handle it the first time. When?”

«We can call a meeting for tomorrow after school,» Tobias said. «We’ll let you know right away what happens.»

“Okay,” I said, though I wasn’t sure I could just sit quietly and wait for my fate to be decided. I ran my fingers through Jax’s fur, rhythmically, calming myself. 

«So, Ax,» Tobias said. «This is Loren’s house.»

I flushed. “It isn’t much.”

«I know. But Ax should get to see it, right?»

«Is there a kitchen?» Ax asked eagerly.

“Yes,” I said. A surprised laugh nearly bubbled up my throat. “Are you hungry?”

«No. But I enjoy human foods very much.»

«Andalites don’t have a sense of taste like ours. Ax gets pretty intense about human food.»

I remembered the way Tobias had savored every bite of the simple meal I’d cooked, and understood. He hadn’t been starving, but his hawk body didn’t have a sense of taste like a human’s. The flavors had been fresher, stronger, for him than for me. Like colors would be, when it was my turn to see them for the first time in thirteen years.

“Would you like a glass of apple juice?” I said.

«I have never tried it, but I would like to.»

“What do you feed him when he’s in human morph?” I asked Tobias.

«Uh. Junk food, pretty much.»

“You need to try something healthy for once.” I got up and moved toward the kitchen.

«Can I help?» Ax asked.

“I manage to feed myself at least three times a day, boy. Stay put.”

_He really is such a foolish little boy,_ Jax thought as I poured the juice. _Our son, too. These are the soldiers keeping the world from total enslavement by the Yeerks._

I called up the memory of Tobias saying «We killed him» then, and Jax had no reply to that. They were children, but there was no doubt they were soldiers too.

I brought back the juice and passed it to Ax. He drank. «It is sweet,» he said, with simple, surprised pleasure. «A more complex sweetness than soda, and does not dry the mouth.» He took another drink. «This is a healthier drink than soda?»

“Yes. Not nearly so much sugar, which is bad for us if we have too much, and it has important vitamins from the apples.”

«I am not concerned for the health of my human morph, but it is a good drink.»

«Hey, Jaxom,» Elhariel said. «Could you and Mom sing that pretty Latin song for Ax?»

“The Benedictus?” Jax said.

«Yeah. That one.»

I suddenly felt even shyer than I had when I sang for Tobias the first time. Ax was an alien. There was no telling whether he’d like human music.

_He likes human drinks,_ Jax said.

“All right,” said Jax.

We sang the Benedictus, filling the room with the warp and weft of our voices. At the end, Ax said, his thought-speak somehow hushed, «I did not know human voices could produce such beautiful sounds. I have heard human music before, but it was distorted and artificial. Your voices ought not to be distorted at all. They are very fine just as they are. The way you sing, it is much more like our music.»

«What is your music like?» Tobias asked.

«Traditionally, there are three who play together. One with a drum, one who stomp-dances with her hooves, and one who thought-speaks _djafid_ – he transmits a tapestry of emotions and images instead of words. Elfangor had some skill at _djafid_ , though I have none.»

«That’s what he did at the construction site! He didn’t just use words when he spoke to us. He gave us images of the Yeerks, and he gave me a whole jumble of images about Kandrona rays and Yeerk pools, and when he died…» Tobias’ voice went subdued. «When he died, he gave us his courage. I think that’s the only reason we didn’t all run away screaming and give ourselves away right then and there.»

«You never told me,» Ax said. «His last gift to you… he used _djafid_ to…»

“He sang you brave,” I finished, softly.

«Yeah,» Tobias said. «Say, Ax, does Visser Three use it too? That creepy feeling you get when you’re near him?»

«Yes, I think he must do it intentionally. It would be like him. And I believe I have heard of Alloran performing _djafid_ , before his disgrace.»

Something woke up in the depths of my mind. “Visser Three,” I said. “That’s the Yeerk who killed Elfangor. He’s your biggest enemy, isn’t he? And Alloran is the name of his host?”

«Yes,» said Ax, pure hatred darkening his thought-speech. 

“Alloran,” I whispered, feeling like I was in one of my dreams. “The Visser. Alloran-Semitur-Corass.”

«Say that again,» Ax hissed, with such urgency it frightened me.

“The Visser. Alloran-Semitur-Corass. Sorry, I don’t know why I – ”

«Did Tobias tell you that name?»

«No,» Tobias said.

“Then how did I…” I shook my head. “I must have known Alloran too. And the Visser. It’s all so familiar.”

«You knew Alloran as well as Elfangor,» Ax marveled. «But _how_?»

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m sorry. I just don’t know.”

«We will find out when your mind is cured by the morphing technology, then,» Ax said firmly. He got up, Tobias maintaining perfect balance on his shoulder. «We will speak with you tomorrow, Loren. Thank you for the juice and the music.»

“Be careful where you morph,” I said. “This is a rough neighborhood. There are all kinds of people out at night.”

«I know where he can go,» Tobias said. «Don’t worry. Good night, Mom.»

“Good night.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains disturbing content. More disturbing than usual, anyway.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t ready to explode with curiosity when I got to Cassie’s barn after school. I thought I was never going to find out what happened with Visser Three at that law firm, and now Tobias was calling a meeting to tell us about it. 

Diamanta strutted into the barn as a flamingo, just because. Everyone else was already there. Ax was in human morph with Tobias perched on his shoulder, looking just like a boy and his dæmon, instead of a blue centaur alien and his bird-boy BFF.

“So, Tobias,” I said, throwing myself on my stomach on a hay bale and propping my chin up on my hands, “what’s the deal? Did you find out your dad is Darth Vader? That would explain a lot. Visser Three could learn some real villain flair from Darth Vader. I bet he was jealous.”

“Shut up, Marco,” said Rachel. “This is serious. Ever heard that word before? _Serious._ It means stop cracking dumb jokes and listen.”

 _She’s right,_ I thought. _I wouldn’t like it if Tobias cracked jokes when I was about to talk about my mom. I’d be ready to strangle him, actually._

Dia eyed Tobias. _I think he_ would _be ready to strangle you if he had hands._

«Thanks, Rachel,» Tobias said. «I’m sorry it took so long to tell you guys about this. What I heard in that office came as a shock. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to tell you, but now I really think I should. See, the man I thought was my father wasn’t actually my dad. The lawyer read to me a statement from my real dad. So if you’ve been wondering why Visser Three suddenly got so interested in me… it’s because my real dad is Elfangor.»

My brain shut down for a second. Blue screen of death. I think everyone else’s brain did too, because the barn was dead silent for a second. Then we all started yelling at once. I think my contribution was, “Excuse me, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Elfangor was an Andalite and you’re not.”

«He morphed human,» Tobias said loudly, to cut us off. «Past the two-hour limit. But the Ellimist only let him stay human long enough to get married and have me. Then he turned him back into an Andalite and put him back in the middle of the war.»

The silence that followed that bombshell lasted longer. Jake was looking at Tobias like he’d never seen him before, and Merlyse studied Ax’s face just as closely. Finally, I hissed, “That son of a bitch. He’s been fucking with you for _generations._ ”

“Makes me wonder what else he’s hidden from us,” Jake said darkly.

“I’m so sorry, Tobias,” Rachel said. “God, no wonder Visser Three went to all that trouble. I’m surprised he didn’t infest you anyway.”

“Did he know?” said Cassie. “When he met you at the construction site?”

«I think so. He asked me how my mother was. I told her I thought she was probably dead. He was… sad. I thought he was just sorry for me. But I guess I must have broken his heart. She’s not dead, though.»

“She’s not dead?” Jake leaned toward Tobias. Merlyse’s amber coyote eyes blazed. “Did Elfangor mention her in the letter? Do the Yeerks know who she is?”

«No. He didn’t mention her. And she’s not a Controller,» Tobias said fiercely. «Loren’s my mom. Ax and I talked to her, and she’s remembering Elfangor more and more. She wants to fight with us. She wants to be an Animorph.»

Dia became a komodo dragon and _hissed._ I jumped off my hay bale, my hands tightening into fists. I could feel heat rising to my face. “Do you two have some kind of _BRAIN DAMAGE_?!” I roared. “Visser Three pretends to be your cousin and then you run off and spill your guts to the first person who you think might be your mom? You might just be that pathetic, Tobias, but _you_ , Ax? Are you fucking SHITTING ME?”

«Loren knows things she could not possibly know unless she is who she says she is!» Ax said, in thought-speech even though he was in human morph, face flushed.

“Unless, I don’t know, the Yeerks _told her_? You two fell for the same fucking act, your IQ points put together aren’t enough to – ”

«Jake, tell Marco to calm down!»

“Tobias, Ax,” said Jake, voice low and silky and dangerous. “How much did you tell her? Does she know our names?”

Tobias hunched in on himself a little, and Ax winced, his tan face gone sickly gray. «Yes, but she wouldn’t – »

Dia bared her teeth. “You told her our names? If they take my dad I am going to tear you apart myself, you little – ”

At the same time, Rachel said, “They could come for my sisters, Tobias! I can’t believe you – ”

“Where is she now?” Jake said, his voice still smooth with that deadly calm.

«She’s at church. She’s busy. Why do you – »

“I don’t care what she’s doing. The two of you are going to bring her here.”

Ax was already heading for the barn door. But Tobias flew off his shoulder, perched on top of the door, and said, «No, Jake. I won’t bring her here so you can treat her like our enemy!»

“For all any of us know, she _is_ our enemy. This is a _security breach._ You remember what happened last time we had a security breach. _Go._ ”

«How do I know you won’t hurt her?»

“I’ll hurt her if I have to,” Jake said. Merl’s teeth weren’t bared, but the matter-of-factness of his words made them only the easier to believe. “Tobias, you’re the one who told me, at the beginning of all this, that I had to step up and be a leader. Well, I didn’t want to, but here I am. I’m ordering you to bring Loren out to the woods behind the barn. So am I your leader? Or do you follow my orders only when you like them?”

Jake and Tobias stared at each other for a moment, and I swear that Jake’s look was even more intense than Tobias’, for all that his eyes are soft brown instead of a hawk’s piercing yellow. Then Tobias said, «Get wings, Ax. I know the way to Loren’s church.» Then he glided away.

Jake quivered a little, and Merl became a strong black horse so he could lean against her. He massaged his temples and let his weight sag on her side. Abineng paced back and forth, agitated. Cassie and Quincy just stared into space. I sat back down on my hay bale, hard, and picked up Dia, so I could feel her weight in my lap.

Jake said, “All right. Now that they’re gone, I need your advice. What do we do about her?”

“Lock her up for three days,” Rachel said. “I don’t care how much we’ve spied on her. We need to be sure she’s not one of them.”

“And then what?” I said. “Someone’s going to notice she’s missing. The Yeerks might notice she’s missing.”

“Keep her with the Chee?” Jake said. 

“And if she wants to leave, they can’t stop her,” Rachel said. “The Chee can’t keep anyone who doesn’t want to be there.”

“The Chee…” Cassie began, then her eyes widened. Quincy whispered a quiet word to her, and she covered her mouth with her hand, as if to hold in what she was about to say.

“What is it, Cassie?” Jake said urgently.

Cassie bit her lip and looked at Quincy. He nodded. She huffed out a breath and said, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… Aftran could find out for sure. If Loren is who Tobias thinks she is. Where her loyalties lie. Even her memories of the Yeerks and the Andalites, if they’re real, and still in her brain somewhere. She could see it all.”

There was a grim silence after that. Cassie was right. If we put Aftran in Loren’s head, we would know the truth. I don’t like how much trust Cassie puts in that Yeerk, but she does go to the Yeerk pool every three days to recruit for her peace movement, and she hasn’t given us away, so I figured she would give us the truth.

Rachel said what we must have all been thinking. “If we go around putting Yeerks in people’s heads without their permission, are we any better than them? And what if it turns out she is a traitor to the Yeerks? What do we do with her then?”

Cassie clasped Quincy between her hands and pressed him to her cheek. Her eyes shone.

“I guess I’m the one who’s going to say it,” I said. “Look, it’s either kill her for what she knows and maybe we’ll have killed someone who would have been on our side, or kill her knowing that she’s a traitor. Or… we have someone on our side who knew Elfangor. Who might know even more than that, if we can get her to remember.”

“Will she still be on our side?” Cassie said. “After we do that to her?”

“If she is who she says she is, then it’s her fourteen-year-old son who’s on the front line. If my mom could – ” I clenched my jaw, unclenched it. “She’d put up with anything.”

Cassie said, “So we’d be taking advantage of her concern for Tobias as a mother, so we can get another soldier we can trust.”

“Do you have any better choices?” said Jake, quietly.

The only sound was the pace of Abineng’s hooves across the barn floor, and the hoots and caws of caged animals.

“Can you go get her, Cassie?”

Cassie nodded, silently, and disappeared into a stall to morph osprey. 

The rest of us, Rachel, Jake, and I, looked at each other grimly. I felt a kind of – I don’t know, brotherhood with them. The six of us are all in this together, but the three of us, we’re the ones who find it easiest to face down the tough decisions. To sell our souls for the sake of winning the war, Cassie might say. Maybe she’s right. But that doesn’t mean we like it any better than the others. It eats at us, and we have that guilt, because we know that maybe we find it easier than we should.

So we didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. We each knew what the others were feeling. I never like talking about my feelings anyway.

* * *

I was in choir practice. This was the small a cappella choir, which I normally don’t sing with, because I find it harder to hold my tune when there isn’t a piano. But I needed something to keep my mind off the decision that a group of teenagers was making for me, so I went to the a cappella rehearsal and muddled my way through as best I could. 

The conductor was lecturing us about when to take breaths during the song when I heard Tobias’ voice in my mind. I couldn’t help but blink and startle at the suddenness of it, but Jax silently assured me that nobody had noticed.

«I need you to come with me, now.» 

His tone was so urgent I didn’t delay for a moment. I grabbed my purse, and when the conductor gave me a questioning look, I said, “Sorry, I forgot I have to leave early today,” nodded to my fellow altos, and walked outside. 

«Take the bus out to the national park. Ax and I will fly with you.»

I turned to Jax, and as if I was speaking to him, said, “What’s going on?”

«The others aren’t happy we told you their names. If the Yeerks ever get you, they and their families are all toast.»

 _Why did he tell us, then?_ Jax wondered, and said aloud, “Not much,” to fill the silence.

“What are they going to do?” I pretended to ask Jax.

«I don’t know. But I won’t let them hurt you.»

“The right thing, I hope,” Jax said, as my mouth dried with fear. He nudged me on the shin, and I started walking toward the bus stop. 

My mind filled with wild imaginings as we sat on the bus, Jax curled up tight in my lap to make more room for the dæmons who needed it. Were they going to put me to some kind of test? Make me take a vow of secrecy? Kill me? 

_I can see why they would,_ Jax said. 

_What do you mean?_

_If someone had done something that put Tobias in danger of being taken by the Yeerks, wouldn’t you consider it an option?_

_God help me. I would. We’ve only just met him, really. But I would._

_That doesn’t mean I’m resigned to our fate, whatever that might be,_ Jax said. _I just… want to see it the way they do. They’re as scared as we are._

The stop near the national park was the last. I got out of the bus with a few other people. 

«Look up, Jaxom,» Elhariel said. «Can you see us?»

Jax shook his head. With her hawk eyes, Elhariel would surely see.

«Then walk toward the forest,» Ax said, «and we will guide you from there.»

I wish I knew just where their voices were coming from. It was strange, following a voice in my head, even though I knew the voice was real. I walked into the woods and tried not to think what was going to happen. There probably wasn’t much I could do but plead my case, and after years of dealing with Medicaid bureaucrats I’m used enough to that.

 _Except Medicaid bureaucrats aren’t paranoid child soldiers with everything to lose,_ Jax commented.

There was a blur of movement up ahead. «See me now?» Elhariel said.

“Yes,” Jax said.

«OK. Follow me and Ax.»

We followed two raptors drifting from tree to tree through the forest. We came to a little clearing. There were three children. The boys must have been Jake and Marco, though I didn’t know which was the short one with the snake dæmon and which was the tall one with the horse dæmon, and I recognized Cassie and Rachel. Abineng, newly settled, lashed his tail and stared. I imagined Quincy might be in a similar state, but Jax couldn’t make him out from this distance. The shorter boy was holding what looked like a coil of rope. My skin crawled with fear. I tried my best not to let it show.

Next to Cassie was a _thing._

It was angular. The sunlight glinted off its metal skin. A robot, not quite like a human, but the same general shape. 

«Here she is,» said Tobias.

I stood and waited. 

“Who are you, Loren?” the tall boy said. His voice was sharp and searching.

“I’m Tobias’ mother,” I said. “And Ax’s sister-in-law.”

“You say you want to fight with us,” the tall boy said. I guessed he must be the leader, Jake.

“Yes,” I said. “This is my family fighting this war. I’ll do anything it takes to protect them. And this is my planet, too.”

«Jake,» Tobias said, sounding nervous. «Why is Delia here?»

Jax glanced at the robot. Jake ignored Tobias and spoke to me directly. “There’s only one way we can know for sure you’re not the enemy. Only one way we’ll let you fight with us. We have to look into your brain.”

«NO!» Tobias and Ax screamed at the same time. The insides of my skull and Jax’s rang with the force of it. 

A raptor flew to the ground and began to grow. «I will not let you do this, Prince Jake. _Never. Never_ will I let you put a foul slug in Loren’s brain!»

«Jake, you can’t seriously be suggesting this! Cassie, Rachel, Marco, tell him he can’t do this!»

I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on, but Ax and Tobias weren’t the types to get this upset over anything short of disaster. My blood pounded in my ears, and Jax cowered behind me, only his head showing from between my shins. 

“Sorry, Tobias,” Rachel said grimly. “This is the only way.”

“What on Earth is going on?” I said, my voice a little shrill. “What do you mean, look into my brain? A slug? Do you have a _Yeerk_ with you?”

«I’m sorry I told her your names!» Tobias wailed. «Please, I’ll do anything, don’t do this to her!»

Jake’s voice was filled with an unshakable calm as he said, “Loren, this Yeerk is our ally. We’ve worked with her before. Her name is Aftran. She’ll only be in your brain for a couple of minutes, as long as it takes to make sure you’re not working for our enemies. Will you do this?”

FWAPP!

Something blurred at Jake’s head, too fast for Jax to follow, and Jake fell to the ground, unconscious. His dæmon’s legs folded under her, and she lay in a painful heap. The others all cried out in shock; I sucked in enough air to give a little gasp.

Ax, fully demorphed, stood over Jake. His tail, held very high over his head, wavered a little. «Enough of this. If you mean to kill her, just do it, don’t make her suffer this torment first!»

Cassie knelt beside Jake. She took his pulse and lifted his eyelids. “Just knocked out,” she breathed. Then she looked up at Ax, and spoke quietly but firmly. “Ax, I need you to back away. I’m not sure I can trust you right now.”

 _I hope to God we can find some way to resolve this,_ Jax thought anxiously. _Ax has already turned on his leader for our sake…_

“Ax,” said the shorter boy, Marco, incensed. “What the fuck did you _do_? He’s your prince!”

«He is not my prince,» said Ax, backing away, his voice shaking with anger.

Jake’s dæmon stirred. “Wha’s going on?” Jake slurred. “My head hurts.”

“Jake,” said Cassie, “I need you to morph for me. Can you do that? Pick any animal you like, and morph.”

I didn’t understand why Cassie was saying that, until I remembered: morphing comes from DNA. It heals injuries. I was about to see what might happen to me, if I got out of this alive.

Jake’s dæmon became a golden retriever and stumbled over to his side. “Homer,” she said. “Let’s be Homer.” Suddenly, Jake’s legs cracked, the bones shifting oddly beneath muscle and skin.

Jax looked away. I said, quietly, “I don’t understand. Where is the Yeerk?”

“I’m here,” the robot said. I jumped a little. I’d nearly forgotten about it. It spoke with a woman’s voice. “Inside the android’s head.”

I stared. A Yeerk living inside an android? 

_That would solve the host problem, I guess,_ said Jax.

“I’m sorry about this, Loren,” the Yeerk said. “I don’t like to be inside the mind of someone who doesn’t want me there. But I’ll try not to look at any more than I have to.”

“You’re inside its head,” I echoed, still stuck on that. “How?”

The voice changed in tone a little, more cool and precise. “I would rather not explain the technology in detail until I know you are trustworthy, but Aftran is suspended in a small tank in my head. She is alive and well as you are.”

 _That was the robot talking,_ thought Jax. _Weird._

 _Alive and well as I am,_ I thought. _Huh…_

«Ax,» said Jake’s voice coldly, this time in my head. Jax turned and looked at Jake. His dæmon was gone. He was a golden retriever. His teeth were bared. «If you don’t like this, you should have thought of it when you shared our secrets with someone you weren’t sure you could trust.»

«She knows things she could not possibly know! She knew the name of Visser Three’s host body!»

“You didn’t think that maybe she knows because Visser Three _told her_?” Marco said heatedly.

«She says she has documents proving she’s my mom!» Tobias said.

“I’m sorry, Tobias, but how do you know they aren’t fake?” Rachel said. “The Yeerks could do that, easy.”

“Aftran,” I said, raising my voice a little to cut through the shouting. “You’ll have to come out of the android’s head to go into my brain, right?”

“Yes,” said the android, its voice more like the first time it had spoken. “Someone will lift me out and put me to your ear.”

 _They go in through your ear?_ Jax thought, horrified.

The shouting had died down. I was pretty sure everyone was staring at us.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “Um, this may seem like a stupid question, but do you have DNA?”

“Yes,” said the Yeerk called Aftran. “Different from yours, but yes.”

“Would it be okay if Tobias or Ax morphed you?” I said.

Someone gasped out an “Oh!” I think it was Cassie.

“More than okay,” said Aftran. “If you would be more comfortable with one of them in your brain, then by all means.”

“There,” I said. “Jake, I agree. I’ll volunteer for your test of loyalty, if Tobias or Ax is the one to do it.”

“Fine by me,” Marco said. “Though if she is a Yeerk traitor, you’d better be able to keep it together.” He hefted the coil of rope, and said grimly, “We’ll have a situation on our hands.”

“I wonder,” Cassie said. “Would a Yeerk be able to access the memories you’ve lost?”

“Probably,” Aftran said. “I’ve never done it myself, but other Yeerks who’ve had hosts who got a concussion or something say that when a human loses memories, they aren’t gone. The connection to them is just broken. But that broken connection wouldn’t affect us.”

Jax’s ears pricked up. I said, “I hadn’t thought of that.”

«That would be really great,» Tobias said. 

“I feel much better about this than making Loren open her brain to a total stranger,” Rachel said.

Jake began to get bigger. His doggy face flattened. «All right. Let’s do this. Which of you wants to do it?»

Ax recoiled. «Morph a _Yeerk_?»

«I’ll do it,» Tobias said.

«Okay,» said Jake, talking over the sounds of his flesh liquefying. I had no idea how he could sound so calm while that was happening. «But Marco has a point. If she does turn out to be a traitor, well, you need to be ready to deal with that, no matter how much it hurts.»

«I can do this, Jake,» he said. 

Elhariel said, «Jax, are you sure this is okay?»

Jax laughed dryly. “Of course I’m not sure. Does anyone want a family member to see everything in their head? But if it’ll give us the chance to fight with you, if it even has a tiny chance of getting our memories back, it’s worth the embarrassment.”

«Okay, then. Okay. Are you ready, Aftran?»

The android’s head seemed to open up like a grotesque metal flower. I couldn’t see inside, but the Yeerk was in there. Tobias flew over and perched on the android’s shoulder. The android took a small shape out of its head and held it up to Tobias, who touched it with a wing. He spent a few moments there, still, then put her back inside the android’s head. He glided down and stood on the ground.

«Someone be ready to pick me up,» he said, and started the morph. 

His legs disappeared into his body, and he sprawled on the ground, wings wide for support. Then his wings were gone too, and he shrank until Jax couldn’t see him anymore.

«Ew! Slime!» Tobias cried. «Augh, it’s in my mouth, I can’t breathe.»

“Is he all right?” Jake said. I looked at him. He was human again, his dæmon some kind of goat beside him. He had no signs of a concussion. Completely clear-headed. He really had been cured.

“We breathe through our skin,” said Aftran, from the android’s now closed-up head. “You’ll be fine.”

«Tobias, if you experience any abnormalities or physiological stress, you must reverse the morph,» said Ax. He sounded equal parts worried and revolted.

«I’m fine, I’m not suffocating, but I can’t see or hear _anything_! How am I supposed to know what’s going on?»

“ _Excuse_ me,” I said, then remembered that he couldn’t hear me. 

“Is he done morphing?” Rachel said, bending over to look at the ground where Tobias was. “Oh, _gross._ He still has a beak.”

“I’d appreciate it if you’d stop calling me gross,” Aftran snapped. “That’s my body he’s morphing.”

Marco had gone over to see. “Sorry, pal, but this is totally disgusting. He’s going to go inside her _brain._ ”

“At least you’re not the one who’s getting a Yeerk in the brain,” I grumbled.

“I think he’s done,” Rachel said. She looked at Ax, who had not taken a single step closer to Tobias. “Do you want to do this yourself, Ax?” 

Jax gave him a pleading look that I hoped my alien brother-in-law could interpret. I would much rather it be him.

Ax pointed his stalk eyes toward the ground, then back up, quickly. «I – I cannot,» he croaked, and if he’d had a mouth, I would have said he was about to throw up.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” Rachel said. She bent down and picked something off the ground.

«Whoa, what happened? Did someone grab me?» Tobias said.

Rachel walked up to me. Her hand was held too high for Jax to see Tobias. I picked Jax up, as much for comfort as to give him a view. In Rachel’s palm was a fat dark slug. I swallowed hard to fight back the wave of nausea clawing up my throat.

“It’s Tobias,” Jax whispered. “It’s just Tobias.”

I remembered what Tobias said about infestation. The Yeerk takes complete control. Nothing left of you but a prisoner behind your eyes. 

_Tobias won’t do that,_ Jax said.

“Ready?” Rachel said.

“I guess,” I croaked.

She lifted Tobias to my ear. I could feel slimy tendrils feeling their way into my ear canal. I couldn’t keep myself from bending over and retching, though nothing came up. I held Jax tighter to my chest, and Rachel extended a steadying hand to my shoulder. She was close enough that Jax could see the grim expression on her face.

I felt the slug – no, Tobias – start to push its way into my skull. I squeezed Jax so hard he gave a little squeak of pain. Then, abruptly, my ear went numb. I felt a strange sense of pressure building in my ear, then nothing at all. 

_Jesus and Magdalene, give us strength,_ Jax prayed, tilting his head toward heaven.

Everything got fuzzy then. I was thinking through a thick fog. Jax was limp in my arms, and I was losing my grip on him. Someone held onto me from behind, and I sagged against the support. Jax dropped down from my arms and just barely kept his balance as he landed.

 _What’s going on, Loren?_ Jax wondered helplessly as he leaned against my legs. 

_I don’t know, dear,_ I thought. I tried to reach toward him, to stroke his head. I couldn’t. Not a muscle responded to my command.

«Sorry, Mom,» said Tobias’ voice inside my head. Truly inside, like never before. «I can’t get used to this, it’s so – complicated, and unfamiliar, and I don’t want to do anything to you I don’t have to.»

 _Do whatever you have to, just get this over with,_ I snapped. 

It began. Rachel, supporting me from behind, spoke in worried tones, but I wasn’t listening. I could feel Tobias rifling through my thoughts, my emotions, every wild dream I’d had of what our lives could have been like together, every fierce vow Jax and I had made to each other, every prayer we’d spoken at night when only God was listening. That was what he looked at first: why I wanted to fight.

I felt a little of what he felt too, to my surprise. The exchange was not entirely one-sided. I felt surprise, bordering on awe. For a moment, I wondered why. Then I realized that it must have been surprise at how much I love him. That made me sad, made me want to cry, but my eyes remained dry.

Then came the memories. He saw me broken after the accident, knowing nothing, not even Jaxom’s name. It was as if I was living that moment over again, Jax staring at me on the hospital bed, trying to remember my face, my name, knowing only that I was _his._ I lived again through years of every type of therapy imaginable: physical, occupational, emotional, how to go to the bathroom. I heard, again, Leo asking why I couldn’t just try harder and take care of Tobias myself. I saw, again, Tobias’ chubby baby face, his little hands reaching for me, Elhariel a pencil-thin baby snake dangling longingly toward Jax, and I didn’t even know how to hold him without accidentally dropping him.

Oh, how it hurt Tobias, to see that.

I remembered, with a hallucinatory intensity that was more than real, my joy when I was able to walk to town on my own. We stopped by a church, and through Jax’s vision I saw the bricks and the steeple rise above us, dim and indistinct but so lovely. I heard a choir singing inside, and went in. The church smelled old, and as I walked in a kindly woman at the door said, “Hello, sister. Would you like the Braille copy of our hymnal?” and I knew I had found my true home.

I felt on my skin the caresses of Lenny from my low vision support group, who I took to my bed not because I loved him (though he loved me) but because it was so good to be desired with the face I wore, to discover that my blindness was no disadvantage in the giving and taking of pleasure. The guilt burned in me, now as then, for how I had used Lenny, in all his innocent love, and _Tobias you shouldn’t be seeing this!_

An answering burn of embarrassment from Tobias, and the memory faded into background.

And I lived again through the past month or so, and Tobias got to see from my side all the pain and confusion I felt, how my heart broke for him time and again. 

The violation was total. I had no secrets from him.

«I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,» Tobias said. «I’m done with that part. No one could doubt your loyalty, after what I’ve seen. Not that I thought you were lying. But now, I’ll try the other thing.»

I could feel him rifling through my brain again, all the way back to the accident, my first concrete memory of waking up in the hospital, and then _back._ My mind swam again. I think I would have passed out if it weren’t for the anchor of Tobias in my brain.

The memories didn’t flood back. They came back in strange fits and starts, like when you’re eating breakfast and the smell of butter on toast reminds you of the dream you thought you’d forgotten. 

I remembered passing by Elfangor on campus, me on the way to the registrar, him walking to class in the physics building, stopping to steal a kiss before continuing on our separate paths.

I remembered Dad spending hours out on the porch, surrounded by empty beer cans, staring at nothing. I remembered the shouting matches with my siblings about what to do about him. 

I remembered being a Controller, the Yeerk’s hostile presence in my mind, controlling my movements, impersonating me perfectly.

I remembered holding Tobias for the first time after he was born, exhausted and proud. I remembered not remembering Elfangor, then, but perhaps there had been an echo, because Jaxom bent his head to the barely-distinct golden-russet bubble that was his newborn dæmon-daughter, and said, “Your name will be Elhariel.”

I remembered the colors of alien skies.

«Too much,» Tobias gasped. «Too much at once, even the Yeerk’s instincts don’t know what to do. I’ll leave now. Good luck.»

A numb pressure in my ear, and then I felt his tendrils on the outer shell. Fingers pinched him and pulled him out. My whole body shuddered, and I sank to my knees, scrabbling for Jax. He turned and looked at me, saw how pale and shaken I was. We held close to each other.

«She’s clear,» said Tobias. «I swear. One hundred percent. She’ll fight for us, no matter what. And… I did it. She remembers everything.»

“Hey.” I sensed someone kneeling before me. Jax turned his head from me to look. It was Jake, down on one knee, his dæmon a little fox. “Hey, Loren, I’m sorry about all this. Are you okay?”

I laughed through tears. “No.”

“Can you forgive us for this? Will you still fight for us?”

“I was infested once,” I said. “Not by Tobias. For real. I remember. Chapman and I were the first humans the Yeerks found out about. Of _course_ I’ll fight. Of _course._ ”

“ _Chapman_?” said Marco. Someone cut him off with a sharp, hissed word.

«Do you trust her now?» Ax said. «Has she done enough?»

“Yup,” said Marco. “She’s Tobias’ mom, and Elfangor’s wife. Welcome aboard the crazy train.”

“It’s all right, Ax,” I said. “I wouldn’t have wanted to fight if the others couldn’t trust me. Now they know. Jake did… well, not the right thing, exactly, but the only thing.”

“We’ll get around to asking you questions about your memories later,” Jake said. “But before you join us, I have to know a few things. Can you take orders from me, even though you’re older?”

I nodded without hesitation. I was scared of Jake, to be honest. In his place, I’m not sure I could have done what he just did. I’d much rather try to do the right thing even when there is no right thing. He was much too young to be the leader of a guerrilla force, but he’d become one in truth. “You’re not a child,” I said. “I can see that. You’ve all been doing this on your own for more than a year. I’ll listen.”

“Even if I tell you that you have to leave Tobias or Ax behind?”

“Would you ask me to do that?”

His dæmon tilted her head, flicked an ear, and without any words, I knew he would. He said, “I’d try not to. But I’d rather one of them die than let the whole war be lost. They know that.”

«I have not agreed with the orders Prince Jake gave today,» Ax said, turning his stalk eyes toward him. Jake turned his head to look back, and I wondered if they had somehow talked privately about it before Ax had spoken. «But he is my prince, all the same. I would want you to follow his orders, even if it meant leaving me to die. My cause is more important than my life.»

«Me too,» said Tobias. «I wouldn’t want to live just so I could see the whole Earth be taken over.»

“Okay,” I said, to Ax and Tobias, not to Jake. “If that’s what you want. But I’ll still try to find a way, if I can do it without risking everything.”

“That’s good enough,” Jake said. 

His dæmon said, “My name is Merlyse, and Marco’s dæmon there is Diamanta.”

“I’m Jaxom,” said Jax, probably unnecessarily, but it was nice to at least pretend that they hadn’t spent months spying on me.

“Do you want to get the morphing power now, or later?”

“Might as well,” I said, “since we’re all here.”

“We’ll meet you out past the horse troughs, Cassie,” said Jake. “Come on, follow us.”

I followed the group through the woods, while Cassie and Aftran walked in a different direction. I walked numbly, nearly tripping at times. My head felt like it was going to explode. At one point, two thoughts came together in my brain that made me trip for real this time and stagger against a tree trunk.

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” I said. “You said Visser Three killed Elfangor. I _know_ the Visser. It was Elfangor’s carelessness that let it happen. He left Alloran unconscious in that ship, where the Visser could just move from Chapman to him. Elfangor didn’t even notice he was infested until it was too late. He taunted Elfangor with it, he was so _devastated._ He never got over the guilt. And the Visser killed him in the end. Of course he would. It was personal.”

«No,» Ax whispered. «Surely you must have remembered that wrong.»

“Don’t you dare,” I said, gripping the tree trunk to get my balance again. “Don’t you dare question my memories, now that I have them. Your parents’ names are Noorlin-Sirinial-Cooraf and Forlay-Esgarrouth-Maheen. Elfangor’s favorite flower is the _derkesh_. He told me. I remember.”

Ax fell silent. I started walking again. «How old was he?» Tobias said.

“The same age you are,” I said. “But he hadn’t been fighting as long. It was a stupid mistake. But he had a lot of weight on his shoulders, and his alone. Chapman was a dirtbag and I barely understood any of what was going on. His responsibility, me and Chapman and Alloran and the two Yeerks, and he couldn’t keep all the balls in the air. He dropped one, and he paid for it. There’s not much more to say.”

“Huh,” Jake said. “I guess that explains a few things.”

“Chapman, though,” Marco griped. “I can’t believe _Chapman_ was in _space_.”

“How do _you_ know Chapman?” I said, curious.

“He’s our vice principal,” said Rachel, “and a high-ranking Controller.”

I shook my head. “I guess it figures that they’d pull him back into the war. He started it, really. Showed himself and me off to the Yeerks as a new host species to try. Still. I’d hoped he’d learn better, after he grew up a little. It’s a shame he never really got the chance.”

“Chapman’s the one who told the Yeerks about us?” Marco said. “I say to hell with him, then. He got what was coming to him.”

I didn’t agree, but I wasn’t sure how to convince Marco, or even if I could. Even for a guerrilla fighter in a secret war, he seemed to be the most paranoid of the bunch.

We made it to wherever we were meeting with Cassie. She was there already, holding a softly glowing cube in her hand. I stared at it. 

“Well, here it is,” she said. “Delia’s waiting back in the barn.” She held it out to Jake, who shook his head.

“Tobias or Ax should do the honors,” he said.

«With permission, I will do it,» Ax said.

«Go ahead, Ax-man,» Tobias said, and I inclined my head. 

Ax took the cube in a slender hand. «This was my brother’s,» he said. There was fondness there, but no reverence, not like before. Better that way, probably, however painful a change that might be. «He would have wanted you to have this. Not just because of its power to heal you, but because he would have wanted you to fight in the name of the planet and the family he loved. So take up the fight he could not continue, and take this gift from him.»

I blinked rapidly to hold back my tears. I lifted Jax up so he could see as much of this moment as he could. He saw detail down to the number of fingers on Ax’s hands (seven each) as he held out the cube to me. I was reminded that Elfangor’s hands had held this cube, too.

I pressed my palm to its face. Jax gazed into its light. I thought about the power it was going to give me, and felt my hand tingle, then my whole body. I gave a breathless little laugh. “It tickles.”

«Andalites try to make our technology pleasant when we can,» said Ax, a smile in his voice. «Even when it is not practical. It is a quirk of ours.»

“Is it done?”

«Yes.»

Reluctantly, I let my hand fall.

“Seven Animorphs,” Rachel said. “Welcome aboard.”

“We sure rolled out the welcome committee, didn’t we?” said Marco, with false brightness.

“Do you want to come to the barn and acquire your first morph?” Cassie said.

I shook my head. “No. It’s going to be a big deal for me, when I morph for the first time. I want to plan it out. Ax told me you have allies who can make holograms so no one notices what the morphing does to me.”

“Delia, the android who shares a body with Aftran, is one of them. They’d be happy to help.”

That was weird. I’d have to ask them more about the androids, and about Delia especially, later. “Make a list for me of the types of morphs I need to get, and I’ll think about a good way to do the first morph. I can’t be reintroduced to vision all at once. I’ll come with you to the barn to discuss my options with Delia.”

“Yes ma’am,” said Cassie.

“I like her,” said Rachel. “Come on, Jake. With seven Animorphs, we are so going to kick butt. Especially since we have time to teach Loren what’s what.”

“I think so,” said Jake. “And I’m glad we have someone else who remembers Elfangor. That feels… right.”

I had a feeling they were all looking at me. “I’m not ready to deal with all of this yet. Honestly, I’m still mad at him for leaving me and Tobias behind on Earth. But I also do want to remember. I’ll think about it and tell you what you definitely need to know, OK? You can have one of your meetings and I’ll tell war stories.”

We all walked back to Cassie’s barn. Tobias and Ax guided me away from the rest of the group, partly so Ax could stay away from prying eyes, and partly so we could talk.

«So if you and, uh, Chapman were in space,» said Tobias, «how did you get back home? Somehow I don’t believe the Andalites would drop you off on the way to soccer practice.»

I searched my mind and with effort came up with an answer. “We were in an Andalite fighter, not a Dome ship. Elfangor kicked Alloran off the ship; he was too dangerous to keep aboard. He brought me and Chapman home, crash-landed the ship out in the ocean, and got us out in escape pods. He gave Chapman some kind of drug to make him forget.”

«How did you and Chapman – »

“Sorry,” I said. “I can’t take any more questions right now. Like I said, it’s too much. But I’ll tell you a lot more, okay? This is your heritage, your right as much as mine. I’ll share it with you. Not like Yeerks do, but like we do. With stories.”


	9. Chapter 9

The day after the violation of Loren, Prince Jake came to visit me at my scoop.

«Tobias isn’t around, is he?» said Prince Jake as he demorphed.

«No,» I said.

«Good. You said while Tobias was, uh, with Loren, that you wanted to talk with me privately.»

«Yes,» I said, and waited for him to demorph. Now that Prince Jake was here, I wished I could be alone again. My mind was full of dark thoughts, of Elfangor and Alloran and Visser Three, and the sight of Tobias in Yeerk form slithering into Loren’s ear.

“I’m sorry we had to do that to her,” Prince Jake said at last, to break the silence. “But we did have to.”

«I see that now,» I said. «And I am sorry I attacked you, Prince Jake. But as an _aristh_ to my prince, I must make a complaint. You were in the wrong. You should have told us your plan.»

“I didn’t know what the plan was when I sent you to get her,” Prince Jake said. Prince Merlyse, shaped as a very large deer with spreading antlers, paced along the edge of my scoop. “And there wasn’t time to convince you it was the only way. If she was a traitor, we didn’t have a moment to spare. So I went over your head. I had to. You weren’t thinking clearly.”

«I believe there is a human saying that it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission. You did not ask for my permission, but you could ask for my forgiveness, and more importantly, hers.»

“Do I need to ask forgiveness?” Prince Merlyse had stopped pacing, and Prince Jake laid a hand on her flank. “It was the only thing to do.”

I considered this in silence. I had been reluctant to agree that this had been the only way, but then, I had had much less to lose by a potential betrayal than any of the others. If the other Animorphs were taken, as great a loss as that would be, I could fight on, or make my escape to the homeworld. But for them, it was their families, their planet, they fought for. 

«It was the only thing, short of killing her outright,» I said. «But it was not the right thing.»

Prince Jake and his dæmon exchanged a brief glance. “Yeah. I get that. If it was my mom. Well. I know what I’d say. So. Do you forgive me, Ax?”

I studied him and Prince Merlyse. I had never thought him capable of what he had done yesterday. Now that I knew what he would do, I must admit I was afraid of him. I still call him Prince, but every time I do, a small part of that fear is there. But it also gave me confidence, because I knew that he could do what was necessary to cripple the Yeerks by the time the Andalite fleet arrived. And perhaps, if the Yeerks were already crippled by that time, I would not need to worry about whether the fleet would fare as well against the invasion as I hoped.

«I forgive you, Prince Jake,» I said. Then I added, because I thought it was something Tobias might say in my place, «Friends?»

Prince Jake blinked in surprise. Then he smiled. “Yeah, Ax. Still friends.” He looked around at my scoop. “This is a pretty cool setup you have here. Where’d you get the generator?”

«I found it broken behind an electronics repair store and retrieved it in human morph. Cassie let me keep it at her house until night fell and I could take it to the woods. Apparently, the owners of the store thought it was irreparable.»

“Not for an Andalite,” Prince Jake said, smiling. 

«Of course not.» I lifted the cover of the scoop a little so Prince Jake could see. «I have camouflage for the scoop for when I am not present, of course. I plan to acquire a computer, and Tobias says I should find a television as well.»

“A scoop? Is that what you call it? It’s more like an Andalite bachelor pad.”

«What is a “bachelor pad”?»

“Never mind. It’s cool, Ax. It’s about time you and Tobias had a place of your own set up. Actually, I feel bad I didn’t suggest it sooner.”

I shrugged. «We find ways to entertain ourselves.»

“Still. We should visit you out here sometimes. TV in the woods? Sounds fun.”

«Yes. I hope to show Loren when I am done.»

“How are things with her?”

«That is not your affair,» I said evenly. «I forgive you, Prince Jake, and I promise I will share with you everything you need to know as our leader. But even if we are all Animorphs now, we must have some privacy as a family.»

Prince Jake held his hands up. “Okay, I get it. Sorry.”

«In two days, she will morph for the first time. We will be there.»

“Tell me how it goes, okay? I know I, uh, don’t really have any right, but I do want this to work out for her. Not just because she’s fighting on our team, but because, well…” Prince Jake turned to Prince Merlyse for a moment, as if speaking to her instead of me. “She really impressed me yesterday. Not everyone could have held up the way she did. I want this to go well.”

«It will. We will make sure of it.»

* * *

The door opened to my knock. “Come in, Loren,” said a tall, friendly-voiced man with a greyhound dæmon.

I followed him inside, wondering vaguely if I was in the right place. I was in a foyer with a living room beyond it, a TV playing at low volume. There was a small woman with long black hair and a teenage boy sitting on the couch. Both of them had canine dæmons too, though I couldn’t tell what kind.

 _Of course we’re in the right place,_ said Jax. _He knew your name._

“Where are the androids?” I blurted out.

The tall man laughed. “We’re the androids. We have our holograms up right now.”

Two little dogs ran up to Jax and sniffed him, tails wagging. Jax sniffed them back and inspected the greyhound dæmon. “You’re a hologram?” he said.

“Yes,” said the man’s voice, coming from the dæmon’s mouth. Jax jumped a little, making the little dogs take a step back. Even dæmons the same gender as their humans don’t sound exactly alike. 

“My human name is Daniel King.”

“And I’m Phiroth,” said his dæmon, in a pleasant soprano. Jax shuddered a little at the fake dæmon. She was perverse in a way that Tobias pretending to be Ax’s dæmon hadn’t been.

“Uh, pleasure to meet you,” I said, though it wasn’t a pleasure at all.

Mr. King led me to the living room. “You’ve met Delia,” he said, gesturing to the woman, “and Nguu Lang. Erek and Damaris play the role of my son.” The teenager’s dæmon, a rough collie from what Jax could tell, waved her fluffy tail.

 _Play the role of my son._ That made me feel a little sick again. “Hi,” I said, flashing a fake little smile. “I’m Loren. This is Jaxom.” I didn’t sit. The uncluttered living room didn’t make me feel welcome. A large dog came up to me, and I petted its neck absently. These androids were really into dogs, weren’t they? 

Jax looked to Delia/Aftran, wondering if she would say anything about the last time we’d met. 

“Why don’t you show her the tech, Daniel?” Delia/Aftran said. 

“Sure,” said the android. He opened a drawer in the entertainment system that housed the TV and took out a piece of clothing. “We wove the tech into a skintight suit, since that’s the most you can take with you when you demorph. The emitter’s effect will be turned on and off by your voice, Jaxom, since no one can morph you and impersonate you. To calibrate it, I just need you to say a keyword to turn it on. I recommend something that sounds innocuous, but that you wouldn’t say in normal conversation.”

Jax thought about it for a moment, then said, “God fucking damn it.”

That drew laughs from Delia/Aftran and Erek. I shrugged. “We don’t swear. But lots of people do, so no one’s likely to notice.”

“OK, now I need a phrase to turn off the hologram. This doesn’t have to sound innocuous, since you’re not going to turn off the hologram anywhere that’s not secure. But it should still be something you won’t accidentally say in conversation.”

Jaxom considered, then said, “End farce.”

Delia/Aftran laughed again. “Oh, I _like_ you.”

“You volunteered to invade my mind without my permission,” I snapped. “I don’t think I like _you_.”

“You should be grateful,” she said, and I got the distinct feeling it was Aftran speaking, not Delia. “Think what would have happened if I _hadn’t_ volunteered.”

I gritted my teeth and said nothing. She was right, of course.

“Well, it’s all set up,” said Mr. King, ignoring the exchange. He passed me the leotard.

“Don’t wear it the first time you morph,” Aftran said.

Jax’s ears flattened against his skull. _What is she trying to say?_

“I’ve been inside Cassie’s head. She didn’t have this problem because she’s a naturally talented morpher, but all the others couldn’t manage clothes the first time. You wouldn’t want your holographic leotard to get lost in the ether.”

I scratched the dog I’d been petting along its jaw. I could feel it drooling a little on my pant leg. I remembered something. “Cassie suggested that I try a dog for my first morph. May I acquire this one?”

“You want to try out a dog morph? Excellent,” said Erek. “We love dogs. We believe they’re infused with the spirit of our creators, the Pemalites.”

 _Androids who worship their creators,_ thought Jax. _It seems twisted somehow. Wrong._ _Those Pemalites played God when they created a race of beings capable of worship._

 _And yet, they_ are _capable of worship,_ I thought. _There’s something a little reassuring about that. Something that makes them different from the computers at the library._

“Champ is a very handsome German shepherd,” Mr. King said. “We got him from a rescue. Go ahead.”

I pet Champ, and Jax turned around to look at him. He was big and powerful and wagging his tail like the world’s sweetest puppy. I thought about how his fur felt beneath my palm, what it would be like to share this body with Jax and smell the world through its nose. Champ’s tail stopped beating. He went very still.

“Is this normal?” I said nervously.

“Yes,” said Aftran. “This is the acquiring trance. Keep going.”

I kept petting him and concentrating on him until his tail started wagging again. “Wow,” I said. “That was weird. I guess I did it.” I gave Champ a grateful pat on the shoulder.

“Thank you,” I said, holding up the leotard. “This must have been a lot of work.”

“Not so much,” said Erek. “It’s nice to be able to help, in the ways our pacifist programming allows.”

“You’re pacifists?” I said. I felt a pang of jealousy. As a soldier in this war, I would have to kill, to stain my soul with murder. These androids managed to help without sullying themselves.

“Yes,” said Aftran/Delia. “We work in other ways.”

Jax studied Aftran/Delia. We’d made assumptions about Aftran, because she was a Yeerk. But Tobias had been right. Yeerks did have goodness in them. They were God’s people too.

Perhaps more so than I, who was soon to violate the most solemn of his commandments.

“Still,” I mumbled. “Thanks.” And I left.

* * *

Loren requested that I arrive at her home a short time before Tobias did, so we could speak in private. 

It was evening, so I flew to her house in owl morph and landed on a tree branch near a back window. «Loren,» I said. «Please open your westernmost back window.»

With my owl ears, I heard her say near the window, “Hmm, is this the western one? I’m not sure.”

«Yes, it is.»

“Andalites must have a mean sense of direction,” I heard Jaxom say before they opened the window. 

I glided in silently. «Thank you. Now please block the windows so I may demorph.»

“Oh, so that was you who flew in,” Jaxom said. “We didn’t hear a thing.”

«Owls are excellent at going undetected.»

Loren drew an opaque cloth across the window, blocking view. I demorphed, and saw that Jaxom was watching intensely. Loren flinched when my stalk eyes burst from my skull, and when my spine bent with a wet snap. I did not count these reactions against her success at her first morph. The process still disgusted me at times.

I swept my stalk eyes around the room, much dimmer now in my own vision. I guessed that it was similar to the room where we had fought in David’s house. It had a bed, a mirror set low to the ground, a bookshelf, and a small door that most likely led to a closet. I had read enough books to know that this must be Loren’s bedroom, and that it was a private space. 

«I will morph human and accompany you to the living room,» I said.

“No. It’s OK. Stay here for now. I want to talk to you like this. With your real face.”

«As you wish.» I was apprehensive. Perhaps Loren had invited me early so she could further lecture me on her rights as a _vecol_. I had already faced up to enough of my own inadequacies on that subject that I wasn’t eager to hear more. 

“Listen, Ax,” said Loren. Her unseeing eyes stared at a point somewhere above my minor heart, while Jaxom angled his head up as far as he could to look at my main eyes. “Do you know anything about how Tobias grew up?”

«Yes,» I said darkly. «I do not know details, but your siblings mistreated him.»

“Tobias’ aunt who had custody of him wasn’t exactly my sister – she was my sister-in-law when Tobias was born, my _taf ratheen_ , I guess you’d call it. Leo and Zoë had been married then, and they got custody of him as a couple. But then they divorced about seven years ago, and I guess they passed him back and forth ever since. Anyway. I knew they wouldn’t be good guardians for him. But I thought I’d be worse. I was wrong. I should have gotten him back the moment I was able to live independently. I don’t know the details, but he didn’t have a childhood, Ax. He had nothing. No bedtime stories, no family traditions, nothing. Do you get what I’m saying?”

«I do.»

“Elfangor kept up all the rituals, you know. Even though he said he couldn’t do them right in a human body, on this strange planet. ‘How can I do the moon phase rituals with only one moon?’ he’d say. But he figured out ways, and got me to try them too. And I had my traditions, and he gave them a try. We would have raised Tobias in both our traditions. Jesus, how we would have argued, but we would have, still.”

«Elfangor did the moon rituals? On Earth?» I had given up the moon rituals here on Earth, just as any Andalite must who is on a mission in space. That Elfangor had adapted the rituals to suit this planet made me feel astounded, reassured, and a little afraid all at once. I was reassured to think that Elfangor had not abandoned the Andalite traditions entirely when he left the war to become human, but I was also afraid, because it seemed easier than I would have thought to combine what was sacred to Andalites and humans – and if that was so, I could not be sure where to draw the line between them.

“Yes,” said Loren, “and nearly killed himself with a knife doing the wood-carvings, the first few times. But do you see what I mean? If Elfangor could do these rituals on Earth, then so could Tobias.”

«You want me to teach him,» I said.

“To initiate him, I guess. Like Elfangor did with me when we got married. I have a tradition I want to do with him. It’s called a baptism. It’s usually done on babies. The ritual is so they can be reborn in water and the Holy Spirit. It brings the child into the traditions of the church.”

«Reborn in water and the Spirit,» I said slowly. «Yes, that is appropriate. Water gave birth to us, and to be reborn into its flow is to receive the spirit of all life that originated there. Andalites do not have a ritual exactly like this baptism, but I think it would be well for Tobias to morph from my DNA and perform the morning ritual with me.»

“’From the water that gave birth to us.’ Yes, that’s right. Okay, we’ll do the baptism before dawn, and then the morning ritual. That’ll be good. I think it’s something he needs. He should be here any minute now, but let’s plan some more for this later.”

«Thank you,» I said. «I would not have thought of this on my own, but it is an excellent idea. Tobias should know where he comes from.»

“And who loves him,” said Loren.

* * *

When Tobias and Ax came into the living room, both human, I stood up and said, “Okay. I’m ready.”

I was barefoot, dressed in torn old jeans and a threadbare T-shirt. Aftran had said I wouldn’t take them back with me, when I demorphed from this, so I decided on clothes I wouldn’t mind losing.

“What do you need us to do?” Tobias said.

The simple question reassured me. They were here for me. They were ready to listen. Or Tobias was, anyway. 

“First off,” I said, “I want to remind you, though I hope you know this by now, that this isn’t the part of the movie where the music gets all inspirational.” Jax looked pointedly at Ax, to remind me, and I corrected myself. “Uh, sorry, Ax. What I mean to say is, this isn’t a celebration. This is a transition. A difficult one. From now on, nothing is the same for me. Do you remember what that’s like?”

“I do,” Ax said. 

“Yeah,” Tobias said, a little roughly.

“So no applause, no victory laps, no congratulations. Tell me you understand.”

They both said that they did.

“Okay. Now pull the curtains closed, then turn off all the lights.”

The room went dim. The only light was spillover from the kitchen. In this dark, Jaxom didn’t see much worse than any sighted human. It equalized us. Yet I felt terribly vulnerable. I said, “What do I do now?” 

«Concentrate on the dog you acquired. Hold its image in your mind. Imagine becoming it,» Ax said, switching to thought-speak.

“That’s all?” I said. It seemed like so little, to do so much. But touching the blue box had been kind of like that, too. I pictured Champ, though it wasn’t an image in the way Ax probably meant. I saw him dimly through Jax’s eyes, but I also felt his rough fur, the thump of his wagging tail against my leg. I thought about what I would be able to smell with his keen nose.

I wouldn’t have known anything was happening if Jax hadn’t said, “Loren. Your toenails. They’re long. And sharp. Oh, Lord.”

I curled my hands, and felt sharp nails scrape against my palm. My skin itched, and fur erupted from my forearms. I gave a little cry, and the changes stopped.

“Go ahead,” said Tobias. “Keep thinking of the dog. If you stop, the changes won’t come.”

I considered it, for a moment. What if I reversed the morph now? Would I still be myself, or was it too late to go back to the way I was? 

_We’re about to become a dog, oh Loren, this is madness, why must we?_ Jax wondered.

 _Because what if they die, and we could have been there to save them?_ I thought. I focused on Champ again. He didn’t question himself. He wasn’t about to join a war. He was a dog. He had doggy friends, and a world of smells, and nothing to be afraid of. 

My ears crawled up the sides of my head, became long and pointed. The fur raced up my chest, my neck, my face. I felt it when my scars melted into my skin, never to return. I felt my pelvis crunch and grind, and I was forced to balance on my hands, which weren’t hands anymore. 

_Can’t we take another break?_ Jax said, but I focused fiercely onward. I thought of being a guard dog for Tobias, walking with him as he went barefoot on the sidewalk, and the changes kept coming. 

My organs lurched terrifyingly in my chest, then shifted. My spine lengthened out into a tail. The room became larger around me as I shrank. Then I gave a cry of real alarm as everything went black.

«Aaahhh!» Jax cried. «I can’t feel my hooves! I can’t – » He scraped a paw along the floor. «Oh. Oh. Here I am.»

 _This is what it is for some blind people,_ I thought. _People whose dæmons can’t see either._ We didn’t have anybody like that in our low vision support group – it was very rare – but it happened. 

“Are you all right, Jaxom?” Elhariel said.

«I’m fine, it’s just – this is what it’s like, huh?»

“Yes. That’s what it’s like,” Elhariel said.

Jax didn’t know what to say to that. If he said it was awful (which was true) Elhariel might take it as pity, but if he said it wasn’t so bad (which was also true) then it might sound callous. There was no right answer but to offer his head for her to perch on, and he couldn’t do that, so he kept on morphing.

Our vision came back, much the same as it had been, all murky grays. Depth perception was better, but the real difference was that it was all centered in one body. Jax didn’t have to see for both of us. We both saw, from the body we shared, and it was so disorienting we nearly staggered.

But then smell came, and vision became nothing more than an afterthought.

I could smell my house: a residue of soap on the ground from the mopping I’d given the floor yesterday, the rot of the garbage in the kitchen, a smell ingrained into the armchair that I realized was myself. 

There were two other human scents, too. They both smelled strangely blank, like they’d been dropped into this room out of nowhere. Their smells had no history or layers to them, just plain old human. What a strange mystery! I came forward to find out more, my tail wagging a little as I went.

The humans wore clothes, and when I came close, I smelled pine and rotting leaves on their clothing, like the woods. I sniffed the darker human, trying to pick up on anything else. Maybe the human would pet me!

“Tobias, I do not think Loren would engage in this behavior, yur, if she had mastery-ry-ry of the dog’s instincts. In. Stincts.”

“Hey, Loren. Loren, are you with us?”

“Jaxom. Come on, you know who you are. Come back to us.”

Which was when Jax realized he was sniffing Ax’s crotch. 

«Ah! Sorry!» he cried, taking a step back. 

«Wow,» I said. «Uh, well. I was not expecting that.»

“It is okay,” said Ax. “Kay. Oh-kay? This is your first morph. It is always challenging. Ing.”

 _Now it makes sense why they don’t smell like much of anything,_ Jax thought. _They only just morphed human. Their human bodies have been… well, wherever our bodies are now, I guess._

«I like the dog’s mind, though,» I said. «It loves smells. And being pet. It’s a pretty happy mind in general.»

“Yeah, Jake and Marco told us that about dog morph. Sounds fun.” Tobias scratched me a little between the ears, which made me feel relaxed and loved all over. I could feel my tail wagging. 

«I’d like to practice sniffing things out in this morph,» I said. «I’d take any excuse to stay in this morph a while, really. But that’s not what we’re here for. It’s time to face the music. Turn around, boys.»

As soon as they turned around, I missed their gazes on me. It had been nice to know that they’d been watching over me. Bearing witness. But this was something Jax and I would have to experience for ourselves. We would be reborn, naked as I had first come into the world, and nothing would be the same.

 _It’s still good, though,_ Jax thought. _To have them there. Even if they’re not watching. I guess it’s time._

_I’m not sure I can do this._

_If Elfangor were here, he’d want us to do it._

I choked. I remembered, now, Elfangor’s words about _vecols_ as he transitioned into human society. _Of course he’d want us do it. He wanted Tobias to do it, and we’re actually an adult. Besides, it’ll make me_ normal _again, right?_

_He changed his mind._

_Some. Not as much as he could have. It was easier for us to ignore, back then. I guess we just don’t know what he would say._ I steeled myself. _But never mind that. We have to focus back on our own bodies, right? To demorph? What am I supposed to focus on? I don’t even know what my body is going to be like._

 _I know what mine will be like,_ Jax thought. _Let me do this._

Jax felt his hooves on the sidewalk. He imagined the world through his eyes, wider and flatter. He felt my hand on his neck. And we began to change.

The room shrank back to its normal size. The bones of my legs rearranged themselves into hands and feet with a series of snaps and pops. My spine shortened, leaving my tail hanging like an empty sleeve before it shriveled away. The fur on my body receded into patches, then nothing. My face flattened. Jaxom appeared by my side, and I held onto him for comfort as my neck and pelvis creaked and groaned into place, my eyes tightly shut. When the transformation was over, I was kneeling naked on my living room floor.

I could feel the difference already, in my face. There was none of the tightness I was used to from the scars. I could feel something else, too, faintly through my closed eyelids, but I ignored it for now. I took Jax’s face in my hands and guided it so his nose was inches from mine. _How do I look?_ I asked.

I saw my own face through Jax’s eyes. It was beautiful. Not beautiful like Lenny had once breathed into my ear as we lay entangled on my bed. Beautiful like Lila at church, who used to be an actress, or like women on billboards. It wasn’t a kind of beauty I’d ever associated with myself. It pinched at my skin more than the scars ever did.

 _The ones on your chest are gone too,_ Jax said. I ran my hands over my bare chest. The skin between and just below my breasts was smooth. I felt as if I had been flayed.

 _It’s coming through my eyelids, Jax. The tiniest bit of light._ I pulled him into my lap and squeezed him. _I’m scared._

 _Open your eyes,_ Jax said. I did.

There was nothing but light at first. I knew from Jax that the kitchen light was only a faint glow in the living room, but it whited out my vision with its radiance. My eyes watered and spilled over. Jax licked the tears away.

As my eyes adjusted to the light, a shape formed in front of me. I slowly realized it was Jax’s face. I could see the dark pools of his eyes against his lighter fur, the tiny cones of his horns. His ears flicked uncertainly.

I dropped a light kiss on his nose. “I see you, Jax,” I whispered. I put him down so I could get a better look at him. His stripes stood out on his back, black on tan. I brushed his back and stared at his tan fur, the color just visible in the dim light. It was the first color I’d seen since the accident. Jax’s, and therefore my best beloved color in the world. He looked like a tiny, perfectly formed deer, though I knew that really he was an antelope. 

_You really are so dear,_ I thought. _I can’t imagine why every other dæmon doesn’t snuggle you on sight._

Jax laughed silently. _I’m glad they don’t._

I looked around my living room. It was just as plain as I’d already known it to be, though now that I saw color it struck me just how drab it was. 

Then something astonishing happened. I knew where my bathrobe was. I couldn’t see it right now, but Jax was facing the other way, and he could see it draped over the arm of the chair. I could see in more than one direction now, just like any other person whose halves could both see. 

I reached behind me, grabbed my bathrobe, and belted it on. “You can turn on the light now,” I said. “I’m decent.”

“Are you sure?” Tobias said.

“I’ve had my adjustment period,” I said. “Besides, there is an upside to all of this. I really want to see your face.”

Ax turned on the lamp, and the world flooded with light again. I sat down in the armchair and gathered Jax onto my lap, squinting my eyes against the onslaught. I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand.

 _Oh, if I thought that was color I saw before…_ Better that my living room was drab; even as it was, the world felt like a kaleidoscope. Shapes stretched and blurred beneath the weight of their colors, beige and brown and blue-gray. “Hold on a minute,” I said, my voice strained with the headache building inside my temples. 

_I’m looking at the kitchen door,_ said Jax. _It’s ajar. There’s light coming through it. Can you see? Focus where I’m looking._

I looked down at Jax, and was instantly mesmerized. He was so many shades of brown, darker on his face and neck and lightening to a sandy contrast against the black stripes on his back. The stripes didn’t have neat borders, either. They were broken up a little by stray overlapping hairs, black on tan and tan on black.

_Come on, Loren, focus._

Jax was looking elsewhere. I could follow the direction of his gaze. I saw a portal of warm yellow light, framed by an off-white wall. A wooden door, rectangular, with a round brass knob, flung open. My kitchen door.

_Okay. That’s progress. I’ll face them first, then your turn._

Jax turned his head. Through his eyes I saw Tobias and Ax, facing me, their postures tense. I turned my head in the same direction.

Boys. Two boys, thirteen years old. One taller, browner, curly dark hair shot through with gold, coltish legs, teeth caught on his soft full lower lip, looking stripped and alone with no dæmon in sight: Ax. The other paler, flyaway dirty blond hair, brown eyes blazing in a blank face, pointed chin, little black bird with white markings on his shoulder: Tobias.

I felt the tears start again, but not from the light this time. “Your eyes are just like his, Tobias.”

Tobias gasped out a breath like he’d been hit, and sat down hard on the couch. Ax looked back and forth between us. So much information on their faces I could never read before: the nervous flick-flick-flick of Ax’s gaze between us, the widening of Tobias’ eyes as he took in what I’d said. I’m sure I wasn’t keeping track of all the details. I had to relearn that visual language everyone else understood effortlessly – except maybe Ax.

Ax sat down next to Tobias, studied his face for a moment, then looked back at me and said, “What did Elfangor’s human, huh-yoo-mun, morph look like?”

I shrugged. “He wasn’t anything remarkable to look at. He picked the humans to acquire for his morph before he understood anything about how we see each other. He was my height, kind of slight. Brown hair with some curl, dark brown eyes, just like Tobias’. He was half Asian and half white, give or take, not surprising given the population he acquired DNA from. Oh, and his chin. He had that point to his chin, like yours, Tobias. I always said it made him look like an elf. Elfangor, get it?”

Tobias huffed a laugh. Elhariel looked at his chin, gave it an experimental peck. He looked at his dæmon, then at me, and said, “My hair is closer to your color, though. Not quite as blond, but. And the shape of my face. We both have kind of wide cheeks, you know?”

“I guess,” I said. “I haven’t looked in a mirror yet. I know how Jax sees me, but… he doesn’t get the details.”

Tobias blinked. “Well, go ahead and look at one.”

I shrugged. “I don’t want to. Not yet. This is, well, a lot. And I think the mirror isn’t a step I’m ready to take.”

“Then we must respect your wishes. Wissshhhhes. Ssshhh. But Tobias is right. I see how you are alike, now that your scars are gone.”

I flinched a little at that, but I found that I wasn’t angry. It was only the truth, after all. It would be easier to spot the likeness in our faces without the scarring. If he hadn’t said those words, I would have felt them in the sentence anyway. 

“What about Hala Fala?” said Elhariel. “You told us about Elfangor, but not about her.”

“Yes,” Ax said slowly. “Of course. Hala Fala. How did he have a dæmon?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. He just did the Frolis maneuver, and when he morphed, Hala Fala was there. Maybe the Ellimists wanted him to have her.” 

That made Jax squirm a little. The Ellimists seem to like to meddle in affairs that are best left in God’s hands. It’s a fundamental kind of blasphemy. 

Besides, I couldn’t quite remember what Elfangor had said when he morphed human and she had appeared – just my joy at seeing his soul made manifest. Maybe he hadn’t credited it to the Ellimists at all.

Elhariel said, “You said she was an insect.”

I smiled. “Yes. The most beautiful I’ve ever known. She was an orchid bee, a blue so rich and shining she was like a sapphire with wings. Orchid bees are amazing creatures. The females nest alone, but if there are lots of predators around, they build a nest communally and share so there’ll always be at least one female guarding the eggs. And the males, they collect scents from different flowers into unique bouquets of perfume. Such little bees, and they’ll travel for miles to find just the right orchid. They build their own identities, in a way. I think Elfangor embodied all of that.” I felt the corner of my mouth twist. “Though I wish he had taken that part about guarding the nest more literally.”

Tobias looked at me sideways, his brow creased, his mouth tight. He was hurt by those last words, I saw. He wished I wouldn’t talk about how much I resented Elfangor’s choices. Would I have missed that, without my human eyes?

«That is fitting,» Ax mused in thought-speak. «I think Hala Fala would have liked that.»

“Why do you say that? Did you know her well, back on the homeworld?”

«Ah! So I was right! She was the same consciousness as Elfangor’s _Garibah_?» 

“Yes,” I said. “She was a very strange dæmon, let me tell you, after spending hundreds of years as a tree. She barely spoke. But she could say so much without speaking a word, you know?”

Tobias and Ax nodded. «I think it is well that it became a pollinating bee,» he said. «Hala Fala always loved the pollinating insects that stopped to visit its flowers. It sang _djafid_ to them.»

“You miss Hala Fala,” I said.

«How could I not? It was a part of Elfangor, and he of it. Elfangor did not come home often. When I missed him, I could touch Hala Fala’s bark and be connected with that part of him.»

I felt a pang of jealousy. Ax had had Hala Fala to remember Elfangor by, when he was gone, while Tobias and I were left with nothing of him, not even memories. In that moment, he and Hala Fala felt like a presence in the room, who touched us all in fleeting and broken ways, and we were left to put together the pieces. I both hated and loved him for it.

“You were lucky,” Tobias said, very quietly.

«It did not seem to me that way at the time,» Ax said. «It seemed to me terribly unfair that Hala Fala was all I had, and it so far away from where I lived. But now, I see it differently. Now I know how very much I had.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out blackrazorbill's [art of Loren and Jaxom](http://blackrazorbill.tumblr.com/post/148407384462/loren-and-jaxom-from-the-fanfiction-series) after their morph-healing.


	10. Chapter 10

That Friday, I took the morning’s first bus out to the now-familiar stop at the edge of town.

I wore my holographic façade with a mix of relief and unease: relief, on my part mostly, because it represented my way of life for the last twelve years, and unease, for Jax mostly, because it made him feel like one of those panhandlers on street corners who pretend to be paraplegic veterans so passersby will throw them extra coins. We were more aware than ever of the other passengers on the bus, imagining, as we never had before, what their faces might look like as we passed by: staring, pitying, disgusted.

I was glad of my jacket when I got off the bus. The air was damp and chill with the night’s rain, and more so here, just outside the city. We made our way into the woods through the soft murk of Jax’s sight. Once we were well inside the tree line, he said, “End farce.”

This early in the morning, my vision was only somewhat improved by dropping the hologram. I could see starlight and moonlight slanting through the trees, suggesting outlines of silver on their trunks. I heard a faint rustle, then saw Ax emerge from a cover of leaves, looking more alien than ever in the grayness. 

«Good morning, Loren. Are you ready?»

“Yes.”

«Then let us wake Tobias.»

He walked with his tail held high and clear, and I followed. I caught glimpses, details, in the dim light: dewdrops quivering on leaves, lichens mottled on stone. Ax stopped at a tree near the edge of the forest, where it began to open out into meadowland. «Tobias. Tobias, wake up.»

«Huh? What’s wrong, what happened?»

«Nothing is wrong. Loren is here. There is something we would like to do together, as family. Join us.»

«Uh, what are we doing?»

“Come down and morph human,” I said. “We want to baptize you.”

«What? I thought only priests could do that.»

“I thought so too,” I said. “But I did some reading, and in dire situations, where a priest can’t do it, a layperson can. I think this qualifies as dire, since we can’t be sure that any priest isn’t a Controller.”

«And I will teach you to perform the morning ritual, in your Andalite morph,» said Ax. «The ceremonies are conceptually linked.»

A long pause. «Well. If you guys really want me to.»

“We do. I don’t get up this early for nothing.”

I could see Tobias glide down from the tree. «Incoming,» he said, and angled for my shoulder. I braced myself, and felt his weight settle there, his talons digging into my jacket. He butted my temple with his forehead, a strange affection, then drifted to the forest floor.

His beak ran like wax and reformed into lips, grotesque and soft on his hawk face. I clapped my hand to my mouth to stifle a cry as his finger bones burst out of his wings, bare and white. 

«What’s wrong?» Tobias said.

“Christ protect me, I thought Jax seeing you morph was bad, but I could take it, but this, I can’t…”

«Oh,» said Tobias. «You can really see it now. Look, you can just turn around.»

I shook my head. “No. I have to get used to this. Keep going.”

Tobias grew, and his talons melted into toes. His feathers softened into an awful brown carapace, which then paled and dimpled into his own skin. He looked like a huge, mutant, plucked chicken. Silently praying his gratitude that we didn’t have to watch this in full daylight, Jax pressed against my leg, and without thinking, I grabbed for the nearest physical support to hand: Ax’s flank. He started at the contact, and I flushed as I remembered what touch was to Andalites. I withdrew my hand.

Mercifully, Tobias’ flesh had reformed around his finger bones, no longer horribly naked. Elhariel flickered into existence and immediately perched on Jax’s back, her weight a reassurance. He was as tall as my chest now, watching me with his own brown eyes instead of the hawk’s amber. His bones creaked and snapped, a more familiar horror, and dirty blond hair hatched like parasites from his scalp. 

Fully human, he came for me and gave me a hug. I realized I was trembling in his grasp. “It’s okay,” he said. “You’ll get used to it. It’s still horrible, but you get used to it.”

_What else will we get used to?_ Jax wondered.

I pulled out of the hug and reached into my tote bag. I pulled out another jacket, a white windbreaker. “Wear this. You’ll catch your death in that morphing suit.”

Tobias gave a surprised laugh. “You really are my mom, aren’t you?” he said as he put it on. 

“Yep,” I said. “Come on, let’s go to Ax’s creek.”

We followed Ax until we heard the sound of water burbling over rock. I paused when it came into view. The molten silver pattern of moonlight on water mesmerized me.

«It is a good stream,» Ax said. «On the homeworld, we would use this as an element in our landscape art.»

“I remember,” I whispered. “Elfangor kept the most gorgeous garden at our house, all the neighbors were so jealous, but he always wished we had a nice stream or pond in our backyard. ‘I could do so much with water plants,’ he’d say.”

Hala Fala would visit all the flowers, carefully walking their petals, and Elfangor would then know exactly when to harvest the peppers, and how much water the daisies needed, aiming the stream of the garden hose with a precise hand, however clumsy its five thick fingers seemed to him. But I couldn’t speak all of those details yet. They stayed embedded like shards of glass in my chest. 

«Yes. He always loved floating plants. The _drekesh_ , gem of the lake.»

Tobias stood at the water’s edge, staring into its flow, then up at us. “What do I do?”

I came to his side and encircled his shoulder with my arm. Jax turned and nuzzled El on his back. “Ax, remember your part?”

«Of course,» he said, sounding mildly offended. I couldn’t blame him. As I’d discovered when we’d practiced this, Ax has a remarkable memory.

He turned to face us alongside the creek. «Jaxom, you have asked to have your daughter Elhariel baptized. In doing so you are accepting the responsibility of training her in the practice of the faith. It will be your duty to bring her up to keep the commandments, by loving God and our neighbor. Do you clearly understand what you are undertaking?»

«Yes,» said Jax.

«Loren,» said Ax, «you have asked to have your son Tobias baptized. Do you accept the responsibility of training him in the faith, and to love God and his neighbor?»

I bit my lip. I didn’t fully understand, not really. How could anyone know how to raise a child soldier in the spirit of God’s love? But I understood as well as I could. “Yes.”

«What name have you given your son, Loren?»

“Tobias, after one of God’s prophets, who with the archangel Raphael drove the devil from Sarah.”

«What name have you given your daughter, Jaxom?»

“Elhariel.” Jax didn’t have to explain himself. Dæmon names are supposed to be unique.

«And what do you seek for Tobias and Elhariel?»

“Baptism,” Jax and I said.

«Tobias, your community welcomes you with great joy. In its name I claim you by the sign of the cross.» Ax took a step forward and reached out with a delicate finger. He traced the cross on Tobias’ forehead. I knew what this meant to him. It was a butterfly kiss, a benediction. Tobias’ eyes fluttered shut as Ax’s finger ghosted across his skin.

I turned Tobias toward me and traced the cross next, with a firmer touch. He opened his eyes. He looked lost. _Lord, grant him peace with this,_ Jax prayed.

I took the Bible from my tote bag and opened to the bookmarked page. “I’ll read the homily,” I said. “That’s a passage from the Bible that we’re supposed to reflect on. This one’s about when Jesus was baptized. It’ll give us all plenty to think about.” 

I pressed my finger to the page. It was in Braille, of course. I’d tested out my new eyes on my food labels, in secret, and could read print in any size just fine, but I’d had this Bible for ten years. I had a history with it. I read the page with my fingers, and Jax and I kept eye contact with Ax and Tobias. “In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. And just as he was coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens torn apart and the Spirit descending like a dove on him. And a voice came from heaven, ‘You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.’”

Tobias’ eyes flicked upward, toward the sky and all its stars. Ax’s stalk eyes fixed on one part of the sky in particular, and we bent our eyes toward it, trying to pick out the star that was his and Elfangor’s. The sky didn’t tear apart. But when Tobias looked back down, his eyes were full and shining.

I turned to Ax. “My dear brother, we now ask God to give this child new life in abundance through water and the Holy Spirit.” I put my hand on Tobias’ shoulder. “I need you to kneel, with El next to you. And sorry, but your head is about to get really cold. Is that okay? I could just sprinkle water on your head instead.”

“I’ll do it your way,” said Tobias. “Whatever you think is right.” And he knelt, and El fluttered to a rock on the water’s edge beside him. I eased the jacket off his shoulders and put it back in my tote.

Jax positioned himself behind El. Together we said, “We baptize you in the name of the Holy Spirit,” and pushed Tobias’ and El’s heads into the flow. Tobias came up spluttering, cold rivulets running down his face and neck. El’s feathers shed the water more easily. “The Father,” we said, and pushed them down again. 

“The Son,” I said, immersing Tobias for the last time.

“The Daughter,” said Jax, pushing El’s head down with his snout.

I held onto Tobias’ shoulders, feeling him quake with cold as the water ran down his shoulders and chest.

“By water and the Holy Spirit,” said Jax, “receive the gift of new life from God, who is love.”

I passed Jax a white ribbon, which he draped gently over El’s neck. I took a towel from my tote and dried Tobias’ shoulders and hair, then held out the jacket for him to put back on. “It’s not really a proper garment for this,” I said, “but at least it’s white. A blank slate, because you’ve become something new.”

Jax and I sang a brief Alleluia. We didn’t quite match up on every beat, but there was joy in it. I wanted to teach him his past, of love and faith, and this was where it began.

Tobias stood up. El flew to his shoulder, taking care not to let the ribbon slip. He gripped my shoulders. “I’d hug you,” he said, “but I’m still kind of damp and cold. But thank you. If I am something new, it’s because you’ve made me that way.”

“That’s what baptism is about,” I said softly. “If you’ve never known love, you’ve never known God. That’s what makes you truly alive, whether I dunk your head in a creek or not.”

Tobias turned toward Ax. “You practiced this with her.”

«Yes. Her ritual has much in common with mine.» He pointed his stalk eyes to the east, where the stars were washed out in a thin veil of pale light. «Look. It is nearly time.»

“Time to morph you, huh?”

«Time to morph yourself. Until you can perform a _Frolis_ maneuver, my DNA is yours by right.»

“This is going to be a double morph, Loren,” said Tobias, looking over his shoulder at me. “Just as a warning. You can’t go directly from one morph to another. You have to demorph first. So I’ll be the hawk again, then the Andalite morph I acquired from Ax.”

I let out a shaky breath, and Jax sent up another prayer for strength of spirit. “Go ahead.”

The first morph I handled with some grace. Not every morph was the same, I realized, and this one was not quite so bad: no bare bones, no plucked chicken nakedness. There was one eerie moment at the beginning when the hawk’s eyes stared at me from Tobias’ face that made me shiver, but otherwise I kept control of myself.

The next morph, I was not so composed. I shrieked when the front pair of Andalite legs burst out of Tobias’ chest with a wet crack. There was one point when he still had the hawk’s talons but had already grown the wicked Andalite blade, and he looked like an angel of death. Every muscle in my body was tense until he finally completed the morph.

Something seemed to light up in Tobias, then. I remembered what Elfangor had said about Andalites: _we have such a tendency to see joy everywhere that we assume it must be wrong, and do our best to crush it._ Tobias had not yet learned to crush it – not in Andalite morph, anyway. 

He hopped a few times along the bank of the stream, snapped his tail, and kicked a stone into the water as hard as he could. His morph’s DNA may have been identical to Ax’s, but it was impossible to confuse the pair. Even at this peaceful time, Ax stood perfectly straight, his tail elegantly poised, his stalk eyes scanning in a regular pattern around him even as his main eyes followed his nephew. Tobias swung his tail in every direction, tilted his torso into every movement, and let his eyes roam as they may. It made him look much younger than Ax.

“Can I join you for the morning ritual?” I said.

«Of course,» said Ax.

«But how?» said Tobias, pausing in his gambol along the creek.

“Your father did them, when he was human. I’ll do it the way he did. Just watch me.”

We stood by the creek, side by side, Tobias in the middle, with Jax between him and me. _From the water that gave birth to us,_ we murmured, in thought-speech and aloud. Tobias and Ax dipped their right forehooves in the water, and I knelt to drink from my cupped hands. Jax dipped his snout in the water, like he does with the communion wine, even though of course he doesn’t drink. I looked up at Tobias and smiled. Andalites and humans alike understand that water is the holy source of life. It made the distances between stars seem a little shorter.

_From the grass that feeds us._ Tobias and Ax crushed the grass beneath their hooves, and I took a bite from a carrot in my tote bag.

_For the freedom that unites us._ We spread our arms wide. I felt my fingertips touch Tobias’. I thought of us, and Aftran, and the Chee.

_We rise to the stars._ We looked up at the rising sun, and the stars fading all around it. They felt more real to me than ever before – not because I could finally see them, but because so much of what had loved me and destroyed me came from among them.

_Freedom is my only cause,_ we said. _Duty to the people, my only guide._

And that’s when everything went right off the rails.

I said, “Reverence for all that lives, my sacred trust.”

Tobias and Ax said, «Obedience to my prince, my only glory.»

We stared at each other. The sunrise drenched their faces in red. The light was so intensely colored it scarcely seemed real.

«Elfangor did the civilian’s morning ritual,» Ax said.

“I…” My mouth was dry. “I didn’t realize there was any other. But I guess it makes sense. He wasn’t a soldier when he was with me.” I swallowed. “It’s okay. Go on. I’ll listen. I should learn it. I’m not a civilian anymore.”

Tobias and Ax looked at me and each other. They went on, «The destruction of my enemies, my most solemn vow.»

I bit my lip and stared at their blades, Ax’s high and ready to strike, Tobias’ held at a lazy angle that captured orange light along its edge. Elfangor’s most solemn vow had been to honor the legacy of his ancestors.

Those blades whipped around, too fast to follow. I gasped and flinched without meaning to. Their blades were poised before their throats.

«I, Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, offer my life.»

«I, Tobias-Sirinial-Canada, offer my life.»

“No,” said Jax. “No, you can’t do that. You’re trying to win this war, not die in it.”

«Sometimes the one requires the other,» said Ax, not moving his tail away from his own throat. «It is not an easy knowledge to bear. We must prepare ourselves for the possibility. And so must you.»

“I don’t know if I’m ready to offer my life for freedom,” I said. “But I’m ready to offer it for you.”

Ax smiled, the corners of his eyes turning up. «That is a good beginning.»

«What did Elfangor say?» Tobias asked.

“The same thing. Only he kissed his wedding ring when he said it.”

Fingers of light peeled back the shadows, revealing new sights: leaves and branches outlined in golden halos, schools of tiny fish in the creek, patterns of lichen on the rocks and moss on the trees. And I could see, in stereo, how similar Ax looked to his brother: pointed chin, narrow nose, a line of darker blue running along his spine, just like Elfangor. The most striking difference was his eyes: electric green like Elfangor’s, but mottled with gold and brown. 

I saw Tobias’ main eyes focus on Ax suddenly. I drew closer, and I could feel the faintest sense of an emotion that was not my own: desperate curiosity.

“Is that you, Ax?” I whispered.

«Oh.» Ax sounded as if he broke out of a trance. «Ah. Yes. I didn’t mean to…»

«Was that the _djafid_ you were talking about before? Thought-singing?»

«Yes.» Ax scuffed his hoof along the ground, in a gesture I remembered as embarrassment. «I had thought I might attempt it, then decided against it, but I… I have become emotional.»

“Of course you have, sweetheart,” I said, reaching a hand out to Ax before I recovered myself and withdrew it. “Listen. I know you said you’re not as good as Elfangor, but I want to hear you anyway. Don’t you, Tobias?”

«Yes,» said Tobias. «It’s part of being an Andalite, right? And it’s you. So yeah.»

«Really?» said Ax, his main eyes on Tobias, his stalk eyes split between Jax and me. He’d forgotten his soldier’s habit of scanning all around. «But you must remember how Elfangor did it.»

“I do remember,” I said. “That’s why I want to hear it again. And because it’s sharing a part of you. You don’t have to be good at it to do that.”

Ax folded his hands loosely before him. It made him look shy, nervous, young, nothing like I’d ever seen him. «Then come closer, both of you. I cannot project any farther than my arms’ span.»

We both moved closer. It was a bit of a tight fit with none of us touching; Jax had to tuck himself between my legs. He looked up at Ax, ears pricked.

Ax began tentatively. He was right about his skill: the images and sensations were faint, and nothing seemed to quite go together. The elegant sweep of the lakeshore in his mother’s garden came alongside his terror of the alien vastness of the Pacific Ocean as he waited in the Dome for rescue. His hunger to learn of Elfangor’s life as a human accompanied the snap of bone as it cleaved beneath his tail blade. His anguish for all Tobias had suffered clashed with the hot sweetness of a cinnamon bun, its flavors made more intoxicating through Ax’s thoughts than any liquor I’ve ever drunk. He sang his younger self, torn to pieces by all the questions Elfangor had refused to answer, and tried to harmonize it with – was that admiration for me? It was.

As he sang, the forest blazed into light all around us. Golden streamers flashed on the flowing waters of the creek. Birds filled the upper air with the dawn chorus. I could see, through Jax’s eyes and mine, the three of us, as I had never seen us before: as people living in a space between the worlds, as Andalite and human and maybe something more than that. I looked at Tobias and Ax, and what I saw was less alien than my own reflection. I could have seen it with the hologram veiling my eyes or no. We were family. And for us, that was something that transcended space and time and memory and anything that beings who pretended to be gods could throw in our path.

_Ax,_ Jax wanted to say. _Tobias. I don’t think they saw this coming. I don’t think anyone saw us coming. I think we’re something new in the galaxy._

But if he spoke, it would make Ax stop singing. So instead, we would let him keep on, for as long as he had the strength.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As thanks to my readers, I provide for you all a [playlist](http://8tracks.com/featherquillpen/carry-on-wayward-son) of the songs that inspired me while writing this story.


End file.
